Page 102 of Before You Say Goodbye

Autumn hadn’t told him that, but it was her fear. Even in the chaos, she felt immensely grateful to have someone standing beside her who understood her completely. They climbed into the car. Autumn watched Emma hit the bonnet with her fist and then dissolve back into Ben’s arms. Benjamin cried harder, holding his hands out towards where his grandma had been.

“Marley!” Maddie shouted, throwing herself at the car. “Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from your family.”

“Maddie, this is my family, too,” he said through a lowered window. He pointed at Autumn and Benjamin. “I’m coming back, OK? After everything has calmed down. Take care of Mum.”

“Marley, look at her.” Maddie sobbed. “She’s losing Bowie all over again. They all are. They can’t face losing you, too, or Benjamin, or Autumn. Please, don’t go.”

Marley put the key in the ignition and started the car, but Autumn stopped him before he could put it into gear.Above the roar of the engine, she could hear Emma shouting Benjamin’s name, over and over again. In the doorway, Bluebell was perched on the steps, hugging her knees to her chest and bawling. Pip was sitting on his haunches on the porch behind her, his head in his hands, his shoulders heaving. Marley’s hand twitched beneath Autumn’s palm, but she squeezed him tightly until he looked at her.

“We can’t go,” she said. “We can’t leave them like this.”

* * *

Ben collected his distraught family and ushered them into the living room, then came back to speak to Autumn and Marley about terms. They would leave if anyone got physical, they said, or if anyone shouted and upset the baby. Benjamin wouldn’t be sitting with anyone besides Marley and Autumn. At the end of the conversation, whatever happened, they felt it best they moved out for a little bit, until everyone came to terms with the enormity of what this meant. They agreed, so Autumn and Marley trudged back into the house. Benjamin was, mercifully, asleep by this point, otherwise Autumn would most certainly have had to wrestle to keep him with her. He loved his family immensely.

She sat on the seat of the cuddle chair and Marley perched on the arm. The family were sitting and standing in various positions around the living room: Bluebell, Emma and Maddie on the sofa, Pip by the fireplace, Ben pacing the floor behind the couch. Autumn and Marley waited for someone to speak.

“How could you do this?” Bluebell whispered.

“We never meant for it to happen,” Autumn said. Bluebell ignored her, glaring at her brother.

“How could you do this to Bowie?”

“I don’t know,” Marley said. “I’ll feel guilty about it for the rest of my life.”

“I can’t believe you let us think we still had a little bit of him.” Maddie shook her head. “All this time.”

“We thought Benjamin was his,” Marley said. “We really did.”

“And then what?” Pip said. “You’d just never tell us?”

“Well . . .” Marley faltered.

“No, we wouldn’t have told you,” Autumn said. “Because the only other person who needed to know about it was Bowie, and he did know.”

They turned, one by one, to stare at her.

“Bowie knew,” Autumn said. “We told him right away.”

“Oh, my poor boy.” Emma sobbed, holding her heart. “He suffered that all by himself. No wonder he was sick.”

Marley almost growled. “Don’t you dare.”

“He forgave us,” Autumn added.

“But he didn’t know there was a baby?” Maddie asked. Autumn shook her head.

“No,” she said quietly. “He didn’t know there was a baby.”

“Well, thank God he’s not alive,” Pip said.

“Pip!” Bluebell shouted.

“What? He’d be fucking devastated.”

Beside her, Marley shook. Autumn reached out to take his hand. They’d known this would be difficult, they’d talked about it lots in the night and her action was a purposeful reminder of their combined strength. Yes, this was awful, but they would be OK, whatever happened. Before her, Bluebell was seething.

“I can’t believe you have the cheek to touch him in front of us.”

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