Page 101 of Before You Say Goodbye

“We have to tell everyone,” Autumn dared speak aloud the part of this they were most afraid of. “Oh my God.”

She had hoped their transgression would never be revealed. One by one, she ran the respective Whittle family members through her mind and tried to gauge their reaction. She started with Ben, then Maddie, then Pip, Bluebell, and, finally, Emma. Each was worse than the last.

“Can’t we just not?” Marley asked. Autumn recoiled, but immediately forgave his suggestion. He wasn’t thinking straight.

“We have to,” she said. She felt him nod, then shake a little bit. He urged her gently away from him and stood, stepping forward to peer into the crib. Autumn watched from afar. She was ashamed to note she felt a little bit possessive. Until now, Benjamin had been hers and hers only. She didn’t want to share him, even with Marley. But then she saw the way he looked at him, as though he were seeing him for the very first time, and she was flooded with love. Nobody could love Benjamin more than Marley loved Benjamin. Her little boy was lucky to have him. She gave them a moment and then she joined him, her baby’s daddy, beside her sleeping son.

“Congratulations,” she whispered, kissing him on his cheek. His lip trembled and he threw himself at her, burying his head in her hair. She held on to him, coaxing him eventually into bed, where they lay, sleepless, beside one another, all through that night. She held him to her, crying softly and trying to convince him they were going to be all right. She cried for Bowie and the son they’d never had, the one she’d thought she had carried and given birth to. She cried for his family, who would be so terribly pained when they heard how she and Marley had hurt him. Mostly, she cried for Marley, who, she knew, was in more pain than ever before.

* * *

They hardly touched their breakfast and it didn’t go unnoticed. When Emma asked them why, their eyes flickered to, and lingered on, each other.

“What?” Emma asked with unusual sternness. Autumn saw Marley go rigid with fear. He was incapable of speech, so Autumn spoke for him. There was no time like the present, after all.

“We need to tell you something,” she said. Her voice sounded stronger than she felt. She tried to avoid looking at Marley, but could see even from the corner of her eye that he was hyperventilating. She planted her gaze on her son, instead. He was sitting in his highchair eating a rusk. She ran her fingers through his hair, enjoying a few more moments of peace before inevitable carnage. Before she could say anything, Pip spoke.

“Are you two fucking?” he asked angrily. Autumn had already known that was the conclusion they would jump to, and she braced herself. The truth was so much worse. She trawled the table. They all looked furious. She searched frantically for a way to get out of telling them the truth, but there was none, so she set her face with a stern expression and spoke.

“No, we’re not, but what we’re going to tell you isn’t going to be easy for you to hear.”

She saw Ben’s eyes flick to baby Benjamin, then to Marley, then back to Autumn. They stared at each other, then he closed his eyes, and waited. She wondered if anyone else suspected, but she doubted it. Ben was the only one besides Bowie who’d known Autumn and Marley snuck around the house alone after dark. The others were oblivious. Autumn sighed.

“On the night of the ball, when you all went to bed, Marley and I couldn’t sleep. We were drinking in the living room and things got a bit silly and—”

Maddie gasped, dropping her fork with a clatter on her plate. She put her head in her hands and shook it.

“What?” Bluebell said, staring between her sister and Autumn.

“We had sex,” Autumn said. She forced herself to face her best friend when she said it. Bluebell opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. She turned to Marley and did the same thing. Autumn saw her shoulders stiffen and her eyes fill with tears.

“You did what?” Emma looked furious.

“Wait,” Autumn said. She wished Marley would chime in and help her, but he was staring at Benjamin and she thought he might die if she tried to force him into anything else, so she left him be. “Marley is Benjamin’s father,” she added.

Bluebell wailed and burst into tears. Pip slammed his hands on the table and stood up, stepping threateningly towards a terrified Marley. He reached for the collar of his brother’s shirt.

“Pip!” Maddie screamed. Poised, Autumn picked up Benjamin and swept him from the room. She ran into their bedroom, the room she’d shared with Bowie, grabbing a holdall she’d packed just in case. She was putting her coat on when Emma caught up to her.

“Where are you going?” she shouted.

“Away,” Autumn said. Emma stepped desperately towards her, holding her hands out to her quiet and obviously startled grandson. Behind her, through the open door, Ben was pulling Pip off Marley.

“Come here, Benjamin,” she said.

Autumn held him closer. “Stop it.”

“You’re not taking him.” Emma’s tone was sickly-sweet.

“Yes, I am,” she said. She rushed around Emma and into the living room. Marley was standing against the wall, his hands raised in submission, while Ben tried to push a desperate and screaming Pip away. Maddie was standing bravely between her two remaining brothers. Bluebell was crying hysterically andhadn’t moved from the kitchen table. Benjamin’s little eyes watched the people he loved in dire distress and his bottom lip curled outwards and down. His cries pulled Marley out of whatever stupor he was stuck in and he dropped his hands and strode towards Autumn. She held Benjamin tighter, worried he would take him from her, but he didn’t.

“Let’s go,” he said, grabbing a set of car keys off the workbench.

“Marley!” Emma shouted, giving chase. Marley pushed open the front door, pressing the remote and directing Autumn and Benjamin to the car that flashed. It was Ben’s silver estate.

“Son.” Ben was following, too. “Please stay. Come on, we can talk this through.”

“Not now, Dad,” he said. “They’re too emotional. It’s not their fault, I know, but Pip will kill me and Autumn is terrified you’ll take the baby and kick us out.”

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