Page 81 of Let's Pretend I'm Okay

“Let’s go,” I echo. As soon as I hit the floor, I speed away. “Still faster!”

He chases after me as we enter the rink. I slow down after the first turn to let him catch up. He skates ahead of me, backwards.

Show off.

I always loved watching my parents skate. It looked more like dancing than skating by the way they weaved through the crowd. I wish my mom was here, but she hasn’t been to the rink since I got sick, and she’d have a heart attack if she knew I was here now. She tries to minimize any chance of injury she can. On second thought, if she were here, she’d probably hold my hand the whole time and shoo everyone else away so no one runs into me.

I laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Papa asks.

“I missed this,” I say. I want to keep making loops around the rink, but my legs are already aching, and I’m out of breath. I don’t have the same stamina I did before. I slow down next to the wall.

Papa stops next to me. His playful expression is replaced by concern and fear. He puts a hand on my shoulder and his eyes wander over me as if he’s looking for a wound. “Are you okay?”

I take in a deep breath. I don’t want him to leave. He’s having fun. “Yeah,” I say. “I’m starting to get hungry, that’s all.”

I can tell he doesn’t completely buy my excuse because his face hasn’t lightened, but instead of pressuring me to tell him what’s really wrong, he asks, “Cheese or pepperoni?”

Without missing a beat I say, “Pepperoni.”

“Good answer.” He rubs the top of my head, messing up my hair. “I’ll order it for us. Why don’t you wait at the table?”

I nod. I hate that I have to stop, but I appreciate he isn’t making a big deal out of it. I sit down and wait, watching everyone else out in the rink having fun.

My phone buzzes. I ignore it at first, but it won’t stop. When I turn it on, there are at least five messages from Annie. She’s so excited that Daniel stopped by. Her messages keep coming in, giving me a play-by-play of the entire interaction. I glance over the messages, but I can’t bring myself to read them in their entirety.

I start typing a reply when another message comes through. A message from Daniel.

Where are you right now?

I scowl. Why would he care? Is he really so desperate to find his dad that he never expects me to take a break? I swipe his message away. I don’t want to think about him.

I can’t even bring myself to finish typing out my reply to Annie. Not yet. I will. I’m happy for her, but I need a minute.

I set my phone down and rest my head on my folded arms. It doesn’t help though. Not even a minute goes by before my phone rings. I pick it up expecting to see Annie’s caller ID, but it’s not her.

It’s Daniel. Again.

I sigh and answer it. “Hello.”

There’s a pause. He doesn’t talk right away.

“What do you want?” I ask, hoping he’ll get straight to the point because the sooner he tells me, the sooner I—

“I thought the girl was you.”

The world around me stops moving, and my heart plummets to the ground. He wanted her to be me?

I force a laugh even though I don’t find any of this funny. “Of course not.”

“You were the one making excuses to spend time with me.” Even though he’s talking, his voice is quiet, more than normal.

There’s a moment that passes where neither of us say anything. I’m not sure how to respond, and I think he’s afraid to probe any further. He’s searching for me to confess something that I can’t.

“I did that for Annie,” I finally say. But I have to be clearer. I can’t leave any room for him to wonder about my feelings. “You’re not my type.”

Another pause. “Why not?”

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