Page 8 of Healing Bonds

I dropped my hands to my sides, frowning at her. “Then why are you fighting with me right now?” I demanded.

“I don’t fucking know, alright?” Her bottom lip wobbled, her eyes brimming with tears as she looked at the ground. My heart broke as I took her in, seeing what I’d done to the strong woman I had fallen in love with all those damn years ago.

I never should’ve left her. I definitely should’ve never re-upped.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to keep secrets. I just…” With a sigh, my defenses fell, and when she looked up at me with those green eyes illuminated by the light in the kitchen, shining with tears that I put there, I couldn’t find it in me to continue with what I was going to say. All I knew was that I wanted to wipe that tortured look from her face. “Come here, baby.” Opening my arms, I waited for her to walk into my embrace. When she didn’t and she only stood there staring at me, I rushed forward and wrapped her up in my arms. Her body suddenly trembled with sobs.

“Every…” she sucked in a deep breath, her voice shaking, “night…I…” her words were hard to understand through her harsh breaths, “dreamed you had…” a loud cry of anguish escaped her lips, piercing my heart. I tightened my arms aroundher, “died.” Burying her face in my chest, her sobs shook us both. I was lost, reeling, knowing I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t fix the fear she’d been left with. Couldn’t erase it either.

I couldn’t take back the way I made her feel for all those months.

I couldn’t unbreak the strongest girl I knew.

I should let her go, let another man mend her broken heart, but she wasmine. And I would be damned if I didn’t fight for us, fight for our forever.

I might not have been able to fix this, but I would be damned if I didn’t do my best to make our future as bright as fucking possible.

Chapter Three

AMBER

Once the tears started, there was little I could do to stop them. Every bad thought that had been running rampant in my mind for the past year was finally rushing to the surface, ripping me apart and tearing down my defenses.

I prided myself on maintaining a strong front, never letting anyone see that I had moments of weakness. I kept my emotions controlled—except my anger, which raged without any means of simmering… all until I met Ryan. He broke through my heavily guarded wall when he kissed me for the first time. From that moment on, I just knew he was the only one for me. He wouldalwaysbe the only one for me. I knew deep in my soul that there would never be anyone else.

While Ryan was gone, I held on tightly to my perfect glass bottle. I didn’t tell anyone about the countless sleepless nights, didn’t mention to my best friend that my twin and I hadn’t spoken in months, that I’d been fired from my job because I didn’t show up for work because I was so damn depressed. I didn’t tell anyone that I was slowly cracking, and now, myperfectbottle had finally broken, and every fear, doubt, and insecurity was on full display for Ryan, who was my glue.

He was finally here, finally standing in front of me, finally holding me in his arms as he whispered everything I needed to hear, but it wasn’tenough. A pain like no other gripped my heart. I couldn’t breathe no matter how much air I sucked into my lungs. It only became harder with every strangled gasp. A wave of nausea washed over me, making me stumble out of his grasp and against the wall, trying to calm my racing heart. I couldn’t suck in enough air.

I was either going to throw up or pass out.

Guilt washed over me like a thick blanket, embarrassed for falling apart in front of him on the night that he made all of my dreams come true. I struggled even more to inhale. My heart pumped faster, squeezed tighter, and I gasped desperately for oxygen.

He must have thought I was so weak.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the pity that I knew would be in his. I sank to the ground, my chest rapidly rising and falling so quickly that itburned.

“You have to calm down, Amber,” Ryan pleaded. “Listen to me, baby. You have to inhale through your nose and exhale out of your mouth.” I could feel him crouching in front of me, his bigger frame shadowing my smaller one. His big, calloused fingers brushed away my tears, and I slowly opened my eyes to find his blue eyes peering into mine, concern turning them a shade darker than their normal ocean blue. His other hand was in my hair, holding my head upright so that I was forced to look at him.

Sucking in a ragged breath, I shook my head and struggled to suck in the next. My heart was beating loudly in my ears. His soft, soothing voice could no longer be heard over the pounding of my own heart. I gripped my chest and throat in my hands, trying to explain to him that I couldn’tbreathe,let alone calm down.

Both of his hands suddenly framed my face, his eyes wide with panic. I had no control over my actions. I wished he could understand that I was just as scared as he was. His touch wasn’t soothing away my fear. His voice promising me that he was here wasn’tenough.

Why wasn’t he enough?

I wailed.

“I’m here. I’m right here, and I love you. I love you, spitfire. I’m here, baby.” Pushing away from his touch, my head hit the wall hard. Pain flashed in his eyes as he reached for me once again. I shook my head, my arms pushing him away, even though everything in my head is screaming at me to hold him, to find safety in his arms.

“P-p-please d-d-don’t t-t-touch m-me.” My own voice sounded completely foreign to me as a sob rattled through my chest, shaking my entire body.

“Okay, baby, just watch me.” He was calm. I was panicking, and he was somehow so calm, as if everything was okay. “Inhale through your nose, and exhale out your mouth.” Mimicking his breathing, I closed my mouth, even though my head screamed at me not to, and took a quick inhale through my nose. Only then did I open my mouth to exhale.

I did his breathing exercise ten more times, and my racing heart finally slowed down until it was a steady thump in my chest. Dropping my head to his chest with a low whimper, I shed the rest of my tears. He didn’t move, allowing me to decide when I was ready for him to touch me. When exhaustion settled in my bones, my body went slack against his, and his arms finally wrapped around me. As he pulled me tight to his chest, I sank into him, letting him support me. His arms were strong and secure, his body hard and protective around me, absorbing all my pain. He dropped a kiss to the crown of my head. “I’m home. I’m here forever.”

I didn’t say anything. I just listened to his steady heartbeat and counted the beats until my tears stopped and my whole body finally settled down.

When I felt like I couldn’t hold myself up anymore, it was almost like he could read my mind, and his arms curled around me like bands of steel, lifting me from the floor to carry me to our bed. He laid me down first, stepping out of my reach for just a moment to pull the covers back, and then, he slid in and enveloped me like a warm blanket.

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