Page 119 of Forgive You

She winces at the c-word, probably more frightened of those six letters combined than I am. “Are they certain it’s cancer if they do find more disturbed cells?”

“No. But I’m still nervous.”

“Of course you are nervous.” She takes a big sip of her drink, the cubs ticking against the rim. “I’d be more than a little nervous. Jules, I’m so sorry. You’ve been carrying this around all by yourself?”

Well, actually, no.

“Jason knows.” I hide a little behind my cup.

His face pops into my head, my eyes drawn to my phone faced up on the counter.

Three missed calls.

My stomach turns, my inside spinning in it like a washing machine. You’re ghosting him, Jules.I’m not ghosting him.I just…I just…I don’t want to pretend with him.

I will call him tomorrow.

“Jason knows? Bros before hos, huh?”

It’s a joke, and I playfully swat her arm. “Shut up.”

“I’m kidding.”

“He came with me,” I mention carefully.

This is the moment where anyone else would use it as the go ahead to fire away a thousand questions about our relationship or whatever it is, but she just smiles.

“That’s nice of him. I’m happy you didn’t have to go by yourself.”

I nod, smiling with my lips closed. “Part of me thinks everything is fine.”

There are days where I don’t even think about it like all of today, or where I wake up in the morning and be like; this happens to thousands of women. I’m gonna be totally fine.

It’s just a precaution, and that’s a good thing.

Charlotte’s hand falls on my thigh, and I meet her gaze. “But the other part is throwing you back to all the hospital visits with my mom.”

Exactly.

“Yeah. Is that bad?”

She shakes her head. “I can’t blame you.” Her palm squeezes my leg. “You’re not my mom, though. Let’s just wait and see first. And I’ll be here no matter what happens.”

“Thank you.”

“So,” she drawls, and I smile, knowing what’s coming, “you and Jason are getting serious?

“I think so.”

I hope so.

I have to find a solution so I can tell him. I don’t wanna lie to him. I can’t lie to him. It’s bad enough I have something to hide.

“You look worried.”

I sigh.

The beating of my heart becomes heavier, as if the organ added a couple of pounds. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder if maybe he and I aren’t meant to be. Timing always seems to be off.”

---