Page 143 of Forbidden You

“What the fuck am I doing?” I whisper to myself, repeating the words over and over again like a chant.

My eyes stay fixed on the broken shards, the frown on my forehead giving me a headache while it feels as if my heart is slipping from my chest.

I keep saying how I don’t want to end up like my dad, not willing to lose my mind. But the more minutes that pass by, I wonder if living without a heart is worse.

If this makes me lose my mind just as much.

Because I have no fucking clue what to do. I have no fucking clue what choice to make. But there is one thing that’s fucking clear; Kayla took my heart with her when she walked out the door.

38

Seven days.

That’s how long I’ve been back in North Carolina, but really it feels like one very long and excruciating day.

He didn’t text.

He didn’t call.

And his silence only fueled mine to do the same.

I showed him all my cards. Poured my fucking heart out, even though it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. The ball is in his court, and he’s clearly deciding the game is finally over.

It fucking hurts so bad.

He managed to erase me from his life completely, without any effort.

How does he do it?

I wake up crying every single day because I miss the warmth of his body next to mine. I miss how we shared our meals, and I miss how we used to banter with each other all day long. But his complete absence on my phone is like a repetitive slap on the face. The feeling is not mutual.

He made it clear from the start.He doesn’t date.But I let my silly little heart hope. I let her get excited about what could be. Because, maybe, just maybe, he’d think differently about me. About us.

God, I’m such a fool.

I’m staying with Rae & Jensen and I know they have been pussyfooting around me. Trying to comfort me with food and shit reality shows. I can’t even watch them anymore; Bodi completely ruined them for me. Every single time I start a new episode, I think about how he hated them, and I slowly start to hate them too, simply because they remind me of him.

Because they make me feel silly.

So instead, I sit outside with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders in comfort, even though it’s sixty-five degrees outside. I just stare at the grass of the backyard, sitting on a wooden stretcher that has become my favorite place when it’s not appropriate to be in bed.

“Look who’s here,” Rae says as she walks out of the house.

For a second, my heart jumps and my neck straightens, hoping she’s talking about Bodi, but when Julie walks out, I roll my eyes for my own stupidity.

“Hey, Jules,” I muse in a monotone voice.

“Hey, sweetie.” They both take a seat on the stretcher next to me, their feet propped up on the floor as they give me a look that makes me want to gag.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I let my eyes rake down their bodies that’re looking awfully springy and happy. Rae is wearing one of Jensen’s Hurricanes shirts tucked into her denim skirt, with her blonde hair in a loose braid, while Julie is looking like the epitome of real estate success in her pencil skirt and white t-shirt. Meanwhile, I sit here, looking like a troll with my unwashed poofy hair and plaid blanket.

I’ve never felt more like a teenager.

“Like what?” Rae frowns.

“Like you feel sorry for me.”

“Keeks.”

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