Page 147 of Forbidden You

Jensen studies my profile. “How are you holding up?”

“Fine.” It’s the only word that pops into mind that doesn’t feel like a complete lie. For the last few days, I’ve been floating in purgatory, not feeling bad, not feeling good. Fine seems like the perfect word to describe it, but Jensen silently disagrees as he exhales loudly.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to see who it is.

Kayla.

She’s been calling me every day since my dad died. I’ve ignored her every single time. My heart is dying to pick up, knowing she’s the only one who can make me feel anything right now, but it’s also what I fear the most. I need to keep my distance.

Especially now.

Jensen shakes his head from the corner of my eye.

“Why are you not answering your phone, man?” The tone in his voice is filled with disappointment, sounding exactly like the voice in my head.

The one that’s asking me what the fuck I’m going to do self-loathing, and the one that’s scoffing at me, telling me I’m a moron. But the wall of fear around my heart is preventing me from picking up that phone and begging her to come back to me. It’s solidified, rooted the day my dad died. It’s too strong to break down, even if I did make an effort.

“I don’t want her pity,” I grunt.

“I haven’t said shit since I picked her up from the airport two weeks ago.”Don’t start now. “But this is bullshit, Bodi. She just wants to be there for you. Your dad died, and even you told me they hit it off. You can at least answer your fucking phone.”

“If I answer that, I’ll give her hope,” I spit, venom in my eyes. “I’ve ruined her enough to not give her anymore hope.”

“I get that you don’t want a relationship. It’s bullshit, but I get it. But I thought you two were friends.”

“We were.” In a short period, Kayla became my best friend, but before I realized, I blinked and she was so much more. She was everything I wanted and everything I feared.

“Bodi,” Jensen says my name with reprimand, contempt audible in every letter.

“It’s over, Jensen,” I hiss. The last thing I need is to make a scene at my father’s funeral, but him bringing up Kayla has me quickly raging like a madman.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“Yes. It does,” I bark at him before I cut the conversation short and reach out my hand to one of my father’s childhood friends. “Brent, thank you for coming.”

Brent takes my head, shooting me a coy smile. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Bodi. Your father was a great man.”

“He was.” I hold Brent’s hand in a tight grip while Jensen flies beside me, walking out of the venue where Hunter & Jason are waiting for him, both rocking deep frowns, and I suck in a relieved breath.Good. I don’t need his shit right now. I just want to get through today so everyone can fuck off to their own lives again.

Including me.

***

“Are you okay, kid?” I stop staring out of the window at the reception after the funeral, to face my uncle. The resemblance between my father and him is striking, and every single time today it has made my heart stop for a moment. He possesses the same green eyes and chiseled jaw, and even his voice sounds as warming as my father’s once was.

It’s another fucking mindfuck I can’t handle.

“I’ll be fine, Lucas.” I offer my uncle a smile with my hands tucked into my pants.

“You can fool the world, but you can’t fool me, Bodi. I know you too well.”

I fix my gaze outside again, staring at the birds that are enjoying the spring sun like all is well in the world, ignoring his comment.

My dad died, my girl is gone, my friends left when I yelled at Jensen to fuck off after another shitty attempt to get me to answer Kayla’s calls, and Monday I’m expected back at KPI to move on like nothing happened.

Nothing is well in the world. Or maybe it is. Maybe this is exactly how life should be and I just need adjustment. Who the fuck knows at this point. All I know is that I feel like a stranger in my own life.

“Thanks for coming,” I say, trying to change the subject.

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