Page 76 of Cuts Like An Angel: Part 3

When she went to turn away from him, he grabbed her arm, made her face him. “Rosie, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“I’m okay,” she said. “Honestly.”

“No. You’re not. I can feel it. Should we come back tomorrow? Do it when you’re feeling in the mood for it?”

He feared for a moment she might say yes. Not that he wouldn’t take her home if that were what she wanted. But maybe that would spoil something. Like seeing a gift and knowing what it was before opening it.

“No. I want to do this now.”

“Then pick the biggest one, Rosie. Pick the one that makes your heart feel it.”

He took her hand in his again, needing that contact with her. She let him, though. “We can decorate it together. Just for us?”

“We can decorate it any way you like.”

Each aisle of trees had decorations on the end, held on carousels. William watched Rosie as she fingered at the decorations nearest to them. “Do you think we could start a tradition? Maybe we can pick a decoration each year. Something special. Something that means something to us for the year, and then we’ll have loads of them when we’re fifty. We could do it with our children too. Buy them something each year, and then when they’re old enough to move out, give it to them, and they’ll have a box of memories. Something from every year of their lives?”

“We could …”

“You don’t like the idea?”

He didn't want to say no because he loved the idea and didn't want to throw her mood away and back to what it was a moment ago. “What if we don’t have any children?” he asked in the end.

“You don’t want children?”

William took a swig of his hot chocolate and stared at Rosie as he did. He was walking along a tightrope with her. “I don't know,” he said. “I mean, there are so many children in the world. So many unwanted and starving kids. Should we add to that?”

“But our children wouldn't be starving or unwanted.”

“I know. I just …” he paused, trying desperately to figure out how to get off this slippery slope he’d manage to get himself on. Why hadn’t he just shut up and said yes to her? Why did he always do this and turn it? “I guess I’ve never thought about bringing children into the world, and it’s kind of scary. Every time you turn on the news, someone has been raped, murdered, and I have my mother with me all the time. You know what she’s like. What kind of world is this to bring a child into?”

“I don’t know. I just thought …”

He kissed her forehead. Deflect. “Should we get the tree?” This was maybe a conversation for another time. Another time that wasn’t now. Another time when he’d had time to think about what he wanted.

“So, you’re saying you won't be having children?”

“Rosie …”

“I want to know.”

“Why? We can talk about it. I just never thought about having kids or wanting them. Does it matter right now?”

He was snapping a little. He knew that, and he also knew it was him who’d ruined this trip, destroyed this moment he’d wanted to keep so special for them. He downed his hot chocolate and threw the cup in a bin.

Rosie held her cup low by her side, and she hunched herself up. But she raised her eyes to meet his — those perfect eyes.

“Come on Rosie. We can talk about this later. Okay?”

He held his hand out to her, but she didn’t take it. Instead, she stayed where she was. “I’m pregnant, William.”

For a second, every working organ in William’s body froze. His brain went into a sort of spasm that he wasn’t sure he could explain, and something bloomed inside his chest. “Pregnant?”

Rosie nodded. “I can’t get an abortion, William. I don’t believe in them.”

“Abortion? Who said anything about abortion?”

“You don’t want children, but if this means you don't want me …”

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