Page 67 of My Vows Are Sealed

She nodded, but didn’t say anything else, and I figured that was my cue that this conversation was over.

I kicked off my shoes, then moved her off of my lap so I could get all the way on the bed. Apparently she wasn’t too upset with me, because she crawled over next to me and curled into my side, draping an arm across my chest and resting her head on my shoulder. I folded my arms around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she looked up at me with so much love in her gaze that it made my heart squeeze.

“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it was that had you so upset today?” she asked quietly.

I sighed. After what I’d just done, betraying her trust in me like that, it didn’t feel right to put my problems on her. But I also didn’t want to keep anything from her. She always told me everything that happened in this house. On more than one occasion during these clandestine visits, I’d held her as she cried after her father had taken a belt to her for some minor – or, in some cases, completely fabricated – infraction. And I knew that sometimes she felt like this relationship was one-sided, with me just supporting her and helping her through the fear and pain she lived with on a daily basis. She’d told me before that she wanted me to talk to her when something was going on with me too because she wanted to support me the same way I supported her. So I knew I couldn’t keep this from her.

“My mom shuffled Nate off on me again today,” I sighed. “I mean, I don’t mind helping out with him, but lately it seems like she’s actively avoiding having anything to do with him.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too,” she agreed. “He’s lucky to have such an amazing big brother who cares so much about him, though.”

I let out a humorless chuckle. “I’d do anything for him, and it’s like my mom knows that and takes advantage of it. Like today, I was in the middle of putting a base coat of paint on that cabinet I made in carpentry class so he and I could paint it together tomorrow, and she faked a headache just so she wouldn’t have to drive ten minutes away to pick him up from a play date. The thing had wet paint all over half of it, I had an open paint can and dish of water, and there was this huge plastic tarp spread over my whole bedroom floor so I wouldn’t get paint everywhere, and she acted like it was the end of the world for her to go pick him up and guilt-tripped me into stopping what I was doing to do it for her. I asked her what she was going to do when I was gone in a year and a half, and she basically said that her entire plan was for me to go to college locally and stay at home so I could take care of him.”

“What?” she gasped. “Oh, my gosh. I mean, even if youdidstay living at home to save on expenses, college isn’t high school. You wouldn’t be home as much.”

“I don’t even think I’m going to college. I’ve been talking to my Uncle Paul about taking an apprenticeship with him at his construction company after I graduate. I told you I’m not letting you stay here a second longer than you have to, and part of that is finding a way to support us. I can’t do that if I’m going to college or living in a dorm.”

Darla pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. “Brendan, I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me. If taking that apprenticeship is whatyouwant, then do it. But if what you want is to go to college, then we’ll still make this work.”

“You’remy dream, Dar,” I murmured. “When I think about what life holds for me after high school, the only thing that matters is that you’re with me and that you’re safe. I don’t care about the specifics. I care aboutyou. So, yeah, taking that apprenticeship is what I want, because it’s going to let us start our life together.”

She smiled and gave me a kiss, and for a minute, I let myself drown in it. I let myself get high on the way it felt to connect with her like this. But I stopped it before I could let it go down the same path we’d just been on a little while ago. No way in hell was I going to let that happen twice in one night.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too. So much.” I tightened my arms around her. “And I kind of went off on a tangent. None of that was even what made me so upset.”

“There’s more? Because your mom telling you that she expected you to raise Nate was bad enough,” she grumped.

“Oh, yeah. There’s more,” I muttered. “So, I went and picked him up because I just wanted her to shut up. And when we got back…” I paused, taking a deep breath and trying to choke down the lump that rose in my throat just thinking about what he’d heard. “When we got back, my parents werescreamingat each other, and Nate actually heard them say that he was a problem and a mistake. And thank God he’s too little to understand this part, but…my dad was yelling at my mom about how she should have thought about how she was too old to be a parent again before she decided to be unfaithful. He’s not even my dad’s son. He’s my half-brother. I have no idea who his father is.”

I couldn’t help it. There were tears in my eyes by the time I got it all out. Thinking about it all was bad enough, but actually saying the words out loud was torture. I wanted to throttle my parents, to try to make them understand that Nathan was just a little kid and that he didn’t deserve for them to be using him as a scapegoat like this.

“Brendan,” she breathed as she sat up and moved to straddle my legs again, then pulled me into as tight of a hug as she could manage. “Oh, my gosh. I don’t…I wish I knew what to say. Well, I do know one thing. It doesn’t matter who Nate’s father is. He’s your brother and you love him. That’s all you need to know, and that’s allheneeds to know.”

“They’re such fucking hypocrites,” I sobbed into her shoulder, not even bothering to try holding back my tears anymore. “They go to church and they listen to your dad, the biggest hypocrite of them all, tell them bits and pieces of Bible passages that he doesn’t even give the right context for, and they just go around parroting what he says and spewing out the same bullshit, but then they don’t practice it. How can my mom say she believes in God and then turn around and cheat on my dad like that? I hate her, Dar. I fucking hate her so much.”

I was a little shocked to even hear myself using that kind of language, but I couldn’t help it. There weren’t strong enough words to describe my disgust toward both of them, but an f-bomb was close enough. I’d thought I already hated my mom as much as was humanly possible because of the way she dismissed Darla’s pleas for help, but what happened today had just stoked the fires of my fury.

“I know,” she whispered. “She’s not a good person. I’ve known that for a long time.”

“He’s only four years old. You should have seen his face when he heard my dad telling my mom that he was her problem, and my mom saying that he was a mistake. What kind of assholes take their hatred for each other out on an innocent little kid?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed, pulling back to look at me. “But you know what I do know? I know that he’ssoblessed to have such an incredible big brother who cares so much about him. Watching you with him…it’s one of the things that made me fall in love with you. Most guys your age would just ignore the sweet little kid who looks up to them and just wants their love and attention, but you’re so amazing with him. I think that’s why God chose your family for him. Not because of your parents, but because of you. Because He knew Nate needed someone like you to show him what a man is supposed to be. To model compassion and humility and love and respect and strength for him.”

“But what’s going to happen when I move out of the house in a couple of years?” I sniffled, voicing my fears aloud. “Who’s going to look out for him when I’m gone? Who’s going to make sure he’s still getting attention and love?”

“You are. I know you, and I know you’re going to stay close by. Just because you’re going to move out of the house and start your own life, it doesn’t mean you’re just going to forget him. I know you better than that. I bet he’s with you more often than he’s home. And he’ll still have everyone at church too. Me and Nay and Heather and Alex and Peter and Marie. We’re going to make sure he still gets all the love and attention he needs. Sometimes it really does take a village. I’m not going to lie and say this isn’t messy and ugly and screwed up, because it’s all of those things, but Nate still has so many people who love him, and we’re not going to let him suffer. We’re going to make sure he knows what an amazing and special kid he is and how blessed we all are to know him and be part of his life.”

How was it possible that hearing her say that just made me cry even more? But this time it wasn’t because I was upset. It was because I was that moved by what she’d said. It was because I didn’t know how else to deal with everything I’d been through in the past twelve hours.

“You know something funny?” I chuckled through my tears. “One of the things that made me fall in love withyouis how much you love him and how goodyouare with him. He loves you so much.”

She smiled. “The feeling’s mutual. I can’t imagine my life without the two of you in it. Actually…” She got up off my lap and went to her closet. “This Christmas present is really for both of you. I’ve been working on it ever since you told me that he was going to help you paint that cabinet you were making.”

Right. Christmas presents. I got up and located my jacket, pulling her gift out of the pocket. She came to sit next to me, holding a big,flat box that was wrapped in brown boarder paper and had a red ribbon tied around it.

I handed her a small white cardboard box that was tied together with a small piece of twine. “Ladies first.”

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