Page 66 of My Vows Are Sealed

I quickly hopped up on the ledge, then stepped into her room and shut the window behind me. And then I pulled her into my arms and crashed my lips to hers. The quiet gasp she emitted gave me the opening I needed to search her tongue out as I pulled her toward the bed and sat down, guiding her to straddle my legs.

This. This was what I needed. All the swirling thoughts that had been running through my head since the second I’d heard my parents arguing this afternoon were finally quieted as I poured everything I felt into this connection with Darla. She took it all willingly, kissing me back with just as much fervor and passion, and it was intoxicating. I couldn’t get enough.

I felt her hands wander under my jacket, wrapping around me, and I quickly shrugged out of it before tightening my arms around her. She let out a quiet whimper, but didn’t lift her mouth from mine. The sound made all the blood in my body rush south, causing my head to spin. Her hips rocked over me, and I let out a groan as the friction both soothed and aggravated the growing need she was creating.

When Darla broke the kiss, panting for breath, I still couldn’t stand for my lips to be separated from her body, so I moved them to her neck, gently kissing and sucking, but making sure I wasn’t going to leave a mark. The last thing her dad needed to see was a hickey.

“Brendan,” she whispered, digging her fingers into my back as she rocked her hips over me again. “Oh, God.”

I suppressed another groan as I claimed her mouth again, greedily drinking down her soft moans like I was dying of thirst and she was the last oasis in the desert. My hands traveled up her sides, and on impulse, I reached between us to cup one of her breasts. She gasped quietly, and I applied a little more pressure, and that made her whimper and rock her hips against me again, pressing down harder. I couldn’t help the moan that rose in my throat as the throbbing between my legs increased, and I arched my hips as I used my free hand to guide her to continue her movement.

I knew we were walking a fine line right now, and I knew going any further than this couldn’t happen for any number of reasons, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I needed this physical connection with her more than I needed to breathe.

When she sped up her movements and started to grind herself into me, I groaned so loudly that I was actually worried her father would hear.

Damn it. I needed to stop this. If we couldn’t control the amount of noise we were making, then no matter how good this felt, and no matter how much I needed her right now, we couldn’t continue. Nothing was worth risking her safety over.

I immediately pulled back, gasping for breath, and pulled her into a hug as I willed my heart rate to return to normal. She tensed up in my arms, like she’d just registered that her father could have heard us a few seconds ago.

“I’m sorry,” I panted. “I shouldn’t have—”

“I know,” she mumbled. “This was wrong. I should have stopped you.”

Shit.

Dear God, what had I done?

Her father had spent the past fourteen years drumming into her head that just kissing someone was wrong. Why on Earth had I thought that taking things this far this fast was a good idea? Just because she was okay with kissing me now didn’t mean that years and years of the partial scriptures and shame and “True Love Waits” teachings that had been fed to her for her entire life were just going to magically disappear.

I’d told myself – and her – that she was the one in control here. I’d told her I wouldn’t ask her for anything she wasn’t willing to give me. And what had I done tonight? I’d done exactly what I’d promised her I’d never do. I’d let my emotions and pain cloud my judgment and I hadn’t even stopped to consider that she might not be comfortable with what was happening.

Damn, I was a shitty boyfriend.

“Baby, look at me,” I whispered as I pulled out of the hug.

Darla’s head stayed down, her eyes fixed on my chest, like she couldn’t bring herself to meet my gaze. But I needed to look into her eyes when I apologized. I needed her to know how I felt about taking advantage of her like that. And I needed to know that she was going to hear every word I said about how the blame for this was all on me.

I put my hand under her chin and tilted her face up until she finally relented and raised her eyes to meet mine. Those gorgeous ocean-blue depths were as big as saucers, and I could see the war that was waging in her mind. I hated myself for being the cause of it. I’d been selfish and put myself and what I wanted first tonight, and it had ended up hurting and confusing her.

I couldn’t let anything like this happen ever again. The next time I did anything more than kiss her, it was going to be becauseshemade the move. Even if it took years. Even if it didn’t happen until I put a ring on her finger and a minister pronounced us husband and wife. If that was what she needed to feel comfortable being intimate with me, then that was what I’d give her.

“Iwas the one who was wrong, not you,” I told her. “You didn’t do a single thing wrong. I was upset and trying to distract myself and I didn’t think about you, and because of that, I ended up pushing you into something that you weren’t ready for.Thatwas the only thing wrong with what we just did. I tried to take something from you that you weren’t ready to give. And until youareready, until you don’t have even a sliver of doubt or hesitation about making that choice, I don’t have a right to ask for it. Even when you’re ready, I don’t have that right. Love – intimacy – is something that should be given freely, not taken or asked for. Your love is the most amazing gift I’ve ever received, and I amsosorry I took advantage of it, and you, tonight.”

“It’s okay,” she sighed.

I cracked half a smile. “No, it’s not. And if you’re ever not comfortable with something, if I try to take things further than you want to go, please don’t be scared to stop me. I won’t be even a little bit upset. I’ll be glad you said something. I wasn’t kidding that day in the carpentry room. There’s never been anyone else for me. I’m learning here too.”

Her eyes went wide again. “What?”

And there went another black mark on my record, this time for not making exactly how much I loved her abundantly clear. If she even thought I could possibly have brought myself to be with anyone else, I hadn’t done my job. I needed to spell it out for her.

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever dated. The only girl I’ve ever kissed. The only girl I’ve everloved, and the only girl I ever will love. You’re it for me. But the downside to that is, I’m going to screw up. I’m going to get carried away sometimes. And I need you not to be afraid to tell me when I do, because I can’t correct my behavior if I don’t know I did something wrong.”

“But what if I don’t realize it until it’s too late? Like now?” she said, barely audible. “I let myself get caught up in the moment too, and I didn’t even think about it until you stopped.”

I really felt like pummeling her dad for guilting and shaming her into thinking that allowing herself to enjoy being intimate with someone she cared about was wrong. But pummeling him wouldn’t change anything. This was where we were now, and this was the foundation we had to build on. And that was okay. It wasn’t like I was going anywhere.

“Still say something,” I said. “I don’t care if it’s the next day. Tell me you’re not okay with what happened, and I’ll make sure it never happens again.”

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