Page 71 of Love By a Landslide

“But . . .why?”

“Because it’s my fault she is dead! Mine.” His words peppered out in broken agitation, volume increasing with each syllable. “I didn’t listen to her. But I knew, I knew she was right. I knew we should have veered left; it would have been safer. But I, like a raging jackass, did the opposite. And why? Because I was mad at her? I let that anger cloud my judgment, and because of my decision, someone died. She counted on me—herhusband—to keep her safe, and I let her down.” His eyes were frenzied. The usual warmth of golden brown turned dark and dull as guilt and torment swirled through them.

Lucy wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed. Her entire chest collapsed in on itself, his agony nearly breaking her. It wasn’t that he was still hanging on to the memory of his wife.He was hanging onto thedeathof his wife. And he had convinced himself that he was the one responsible. Carrying around that level of guilt had the power to destroy a person. It was amazing that he was willing to guide at all.

Jonathan curled his arms around Lucy’s shoulders and settled his face onto her messy bun. She refused to rush him. Hurrying wouldn’t help. As much as she wanted to get back to town, he needed to feel and process the anguish more. Emotions and trauma never stay buried.

Then, something sparked in her mind. Lucy pulled back and looked up at her beautiful, baggage-wielding guide. “Is that why you were so apprehensive to take me out on this trip solo?”

He blinked once. Twice. Nodded. “Yes. Janet only puts me with larger groups. Straightforward trips that tend to go off without a hitch. I’ve never openly talked with her about it, but she seems to know that I struggle with anything else. I haven’t guided solo since before . . .” He shook his head, banishing an intrusive thought. “I planned for two, and having you show up on your own flashed me back. It made me run through all the worst-case scenarios in my head, so instead of working it out logically, I tried to send you packing.”

She wanted to stay there and hold him. This man, strong and masculine, was broken. He didn’t trust himself. He was unwilling to allow anyone to get close enough to rely on him.

“Jonathan. I’m sorry that you experienced what you did. But you aren’t responsible for what happened. And, like it or not, I’m relying on you out here. But you’re relying on me too. You and I . . . we’re a team, and wewillget through this together. Survive together. I trust you, and I hope you trust me too.”

He gave her a slight smile. “We’ll get through this together.”

“Good.” She nodded as Jonathan started to turn back around and carry on, but first she stopped him with a hand onhis arm. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like something you carry daily but don’t ever talk about.”

He gave a mirthless laugh. “You would be right.”

“So, is the whole ‘not being responsible for others’ thing the reason you haven’t dated seriously in the last four years?”

Jonathan thought about that for a moment. “I suppose that’s a big part of it. But . . .” He paused, mulling over the idea as if he’d never taken the time to do so before. “But I guess the main reason is I hadn’t found a woman I wanted to date seriously.”

“That makes sense.” Lucy did her best to paste on a smile. Was she among those ill-suited women? Was their connection all because of the situation they found themselves in? Perhaps she was getting ahead of herself and all this could boil down to a passionate fling.

“You are still going to let me take you to dinner when we get back, right?” he asked, the charming grin back on his face yet tinted with weariness.

Later, she thought,I can worry about what everything means later.“Yes. Under one condition.”

“Name it.”

“I require a hot shower and some beauty rest in a real bed first so I don’t feel like such a troll.”

He chuckled, perusing her from head to toe. “You, sunshine, could never be described as a troll.”

“Considering how wrecked I probably look at this very moment, I take that as high praise.”

Jonathan leaned in for a brief kiss. But just as their lips parted, a fat raindrop fell from the sky and landed on Lucy’s forehead. Pulling apart, they looked up and groaned in unison.

“Shit.”

Chapter thirty-six

Lucy

Lucy must have screwed up big time in a past life.

There was no other way to explain the level of punishment she was experiencing and had unwittingly drawn Jonathan into. The wind blew so hard that the rain pummeled them sideways. While the trees were close enough together to create a fun-house illusion—look between two only to find more lined up endlessly behind—the sparse foliage did little to act as a canopy. The deluge dumped through the branches while sweeping gusts plowed around the trunks, launching plump drops straight at them like tiny battering rams. Lucy’s face burned and stung from the percussive hits and the engulfing cold.

Then there was the mud. Thick and squelching, enough to suction a boot in and add a few metric tons of resistance to every stride. She almost felt the need to tug each leg up with her hands manually but was already using them as windshield wipers so she could see where to safely embed her next step. Tying her boots painfully tight was the only prevention against losing them altogether.

Lucy looked ahead, eyeing her guide with a splash of scorn for his graceful gait. His long, muscular legs made quick work of the slop that slowed her down. Though he faltered periodically, Jonathan handled the trudge, unphased, like it was a freaking stroll through the park.

He’d offered to help her a few times by taking some of her supplies, but she was determined to pull her own weight. All they needed was for him to tweak his back again and be stuck even longer in that miserable squall. After his fourth offer, Lucy lost all sense of politeness and snapped at him to back off. Unoffended, he obliged. But thankfully slowed periodically—under the guise of checking his map or compass—so she could catch up.

Lucy had no clue how long it had been raining. Could have been three hours or thirty minutes for all she could gauge. They were soaked through, and while she couldn’t hear her stomach over the downpour, she could feel the sharp pangs and rumblings of hunger.

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