Page 70 of Love By a Landslide

Lucy lost her courage. “Never mind. It’s not my business, and clearly, you don’t want to talk about it. I am sorry for sticking my nose where—”

“No. It’s fine. I can talk about it.” Jonathan shrugged and then cleared his throat. “As I’d said, it was four years ago on a training day to prep newer guides for river runs. What I hadn’t mentioned, to you or anyone really, was that we’d been fighting earlier that morning.”

“About what?” Lucy cursed her curiosity and added that question to the growing pile of things that weren’t her business.

He paused, jaw clenching as he stared her down. “Kids. Starting a family.” He shrugged and let go of a big sigh. “It was a common argument for us. I was ready for the next step in our marriage, and she wasn’t. My parents were the best I could have hoped for and loved us so much. If I could’ve captured at least a fraction of that joy for my marriage—my family—I would have been content.”

“You weren’t happy?”

“There were times when I was.” Jonathan reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Cynthia and I had fun. We had a solid group of friends. Owned a successful guiding business and a home on some property. It was enough for her.”

“But not for you?”

Shaking his head, Jonathan said, “No. At one point in time, I decided to let the whole kid thing go. That maybe being a dad wasn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I could be happy being her husband and an uncle to any nieces or nephews that came along.But it felt . . .”

“Like settling?” Lucy’s thoughts drifted to Brodan. She cringed at the thought of starting a family with her ex. They weren’t the right fit. Obviously, their priorities hadn’t matched, and she never really felt like she could trust him. Some people feel trustworthy to their core; Jonathan, for example, fit into that box. She hadn’t even known him for four whole days but would be willing to put her life in his hands.

Shehadput her life in his hands.

Jonathan shrugged. “Something like that. We went through about six months where our marriage really struggled. She’d made herself scarce, and I even accused her of cheating when another guy’s name popped up on her phone.”

Lucy’s mouth popped open. “Was she?” Damn, she knew none of this was her business, but she couldn’t stop prying. The idea of anyone being unfaithful to someone like Jonathan was shocking. It made her agitated. Angry.

He gave a derisive snort. “No.” Jonathan sighed as he scrubbed a hand down his face. “It was an attorney. According to her, she was weighing all of her options.”

“She wanted a divorce?”

“She wasn’t sure. So, I dropped the family thing for a while, and things mellowed out. We got back to normal and, after a while, were happy again. Until . . .”

“Until you brought up kids again.”

He nodded, anguish in his amber eyes. “The morning she died.”

Lucy’s stomach dropped, and a knot formed in her throat. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but his bristly body language warned her off.

“Anyways, we hadn’t resolved anything, and I was still pretty upset about the argument, but we had to continue with thetraining. The start of the season was on its way, and I had at least six guides who’d never led a run.

“A lot like this year, that spring had been unseasonably rainy, and the river was more aggressive than usual. I led a raft with three newbies, one of my seasoned guides named Zac, and Cynthia. We missed a turn and were forced to go through the most dangerous part of the river. We only go through that section with the highly experienced because there’s a very strong likelihood of flipping. Cyn and I had different methods for tackling that particular run, and she was trying to tell me what she thought we should do, but I was the one leading. Which meant it was my call. And I did the exact opposite.”

Jonathan looked down at his hands as he wrung them together.

“What happened next?”

“We almost made it through. God, we nailed an extremely technical maneuver that we shouldn’t have been able to but we did.” He looked up, and the slightest glimmer of light sparkled off the subtle welling of tears. “Everyone started celebrating, naturally, I suppose, but . . . the danger wasn’t over. We came to a huge breaking wave that tossed the raft over like it was nothing.” Lucy flinched when he snapped his fingers. “Everyone went flying. Some of us were able to right the raft and crawl back in. Everyone was accounted for, except Cynthia.

“We paddled to the river bank. Eventually, we found her stuck in some debris and pulled her out. But it was too late.” A salty drop toppled over the edge and traveled down his cheek, wetting a trail through the dust and dirt that coated them. He lifted a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

Lucy’s heart pounded in her throat, thick and emotional. She closed the small space between them and placed her hand onhis forearm, squeezing gently while he gathered himself. It had been four years, and this man was still haunted by his wife’s ghost. She couldn’t imagine experiencing the loss of someone, especially a spouse. And at such a young age.

Jonathan ran his hands through his hair and blew out a rough breath. “I haven’t been in the river since. I refuse to lead another rafting trip.” He laughed at himself and wiped his nose. “How pathetic is that? I own an adventure guiding company but refuse to get in a damn river.”

“It’s not pathetic. I think it’s pretty understandable. You lost someone precious to you. I get why you wouldn’t want to be reminded of that day, of what you lost, by putting yourself back into that same environment. I’ve never been there myself, but I assume getting over the loss of someone you love takes a long time. You should cut yourself a little slack.”

“I can’t cut myself slack.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t.”

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