Page 54 of Surrender

“Because it’s what we all deserve,” Hal said, “every last one of us, even if we made mistakes in our past. You think I haven’tscrewed up? I was a fucking disaster in my early twenties. I treated men like shit, because I was terrified of letting anyone get close to me. I’m not proud of that, but I’ve changed. I’ve learned and grown. You have, too. I know that for a fact, because I can see how upset you are about all of this.”

“Even if I’ve changed, I’m still afraid of hurting Ever.”

“I know you are. And you’re afraid of being hurt, too. Right?” I nodded, and Hal said, “Every new relationship is scary, and every single one comes with the risk of getting hurt. But I’ll bet if you ask him, he’ll tell you he’s willing to take that risk. The question is, are you?”

“You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel,” Embry said.

He was right about that. A conversation was long overdue. “I will. I’ll talk to him tonight, over dinner. We’re going out to eat, because it’s our anniversary. Sort of.”

Embry looked confused. “Is it?” Then it dawned on him, and he exclaimed, “Oh! The anniversary of the day you two hooked up, and—” He plucked the celery from his Bloody Mary and took a big, crunchy bite out of it. Hal, Vee, and I flinched so hard that the parakeet flew off my shoulder and returned to the Ficus tree.

“It’s also the anniversary of the day we met,” I pointed out, the same way Ever had pointed it out to me. “That’s the part we’re celebrating.”

“It sounds like the perfect opportunity for the two of you to have a nice, long, heart-to-heart conversation.” Vee poured himself a drink and raised his glass. “Here’s to finding the right words and saying what you need to say.”

I held up my glass and murmured, “I’ll drink to that.”

Over the next couple of hours and two more rounds of Bloody Marys, my friends signed up for a dating website, and we worked on their profiles. All of them were skeptical it would actually produce results, but it was a way of supporting each other and a step toward getting back out there.

Then we spent some time helping Embry come up with job ideas and updating his resume. His dream job was to be a cake decorator, but he’d been fired from pretty much every bakery in town, so that was problematic.

After we finished up, I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I had a lot to think about, and I barely noticed my surroundings as I made my way across town.

I’d been holding back with Ever, both physically and emotionally. A lot of that came down to fear—of hurting him, of getting hurt. But that was no way to live my life. If I told Ever how I felt about him and he didn’t feel the same way, so be it. At least I’d know I tried.

There was something else, too. I wanted him to fuck me. Scratch that—Ineededit. I’d spent my whole life denying that part of myself, thinking it would make me feel too vulnerable. I had no idea where I’d gotten that idea, but it was time to let it go.

Actually, that was true for a lot of things. The only way Ever could be my future was by letting go of the past.

I had no idea if he actually wanted a future with me, but that wasn’t something I could control. All I could do was talk to him, openly and honestly, and let him know how I felt.

Now that I’d made up my mind, a sense of calm settled on me. I looked around and discovered I’d stopped right across the street from a drug store. That was perfect, because I needed to pick up some supplies. My plan for tonight was to offer Ever all of me, in every sense of the word.

There was no reason to hold back. I really did trust him, and it was okay to feel vulnerable. That didn’t make me weak. It just made me human.

I started to get embarrassed at the idea of bringing a douching kit up to the register and basically announcing exactly what I had planned for tonight, but I quickly pushed that aside. I couldn’t worry about what anyone thought of me, including some smirky cashier. I gathered my confidence and went to do some shopping.

I spent all afternoon getting ready for my dinner date. After stopping off at the drug store, I found a barber shop and got a haircut. Then I went home and tried to figure out what to wear. I wasn’t sure what I should be shooting for though, so I texted Ever and asked how fancy this restaurant was.

He replied:It’s pretty casual. I’m wearing a polo shirt and jeans. Feel free to help yourself to anything of mine if you need something to wear.

I went to Ever’s bedroom, picked up the sweatshirt he wore most evenings, and buried my face in it. His clean scent was comforting and familiar.

I returned the sweatshirt to his bed and found his V-neck, royal blue sweater, which I took back to my room with me. It smelled faintly of his cologne, which was the next best thing to his natural scent.

I started to put it on my bed, but then Phil and I exchanged looks. He was curled up on my pillow, but I just knew he’d move to the sweater the moment my back was turned. I said, “I don’t think so,” and hung the sweater over the back of a chair before continuing to the bathroom.

The douche was… an experience. Next up was a long shower, followed by my complete self-care routine. The sum total of that included a comb, a razor, my toothbrush, and some deodorant. Wow, I really sucked at primping.

I wrapped a towel around my hips, found my phone, and texted Ever again with:Would you mind if I borrowed one of your haircare products?

He replied right away:What’s mine is yours. Help yourself to anything you want.I sent back a thank you and once again headed to the other end of the apartment.

In the bathroom off the main suite, I was reminded how very different Ever and I were. He had an entire collection of expensive-looking tubes and bottles, including multiple face creams, a different moisturizer for every body part, and several things I couldn’t even identify.

After I used some hair gel, I took a picture of something that looked like a pink razor, except that there was a stone roller where the blade should be. I sent it to him with a question mark, and a few seconds later, my phone rang. When I answered the video call, Ever smirked at me and said, “You’ve never been in my bathroom before, have you?”

“I’ve never had any reason to. What the hell is that pink thing?”

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