Page 32 of Operation: Integrity

The voice laughed at her, the sound filling her head until she couldn’t hear the pastor’s words anymore. Edwyn bumped her with a shoulder.

She glanced over at him, wondering what she’d done that he needed to point out she was doing anything? She’d been sitting there the whole time. He pursed his lips, conveying that he wasn’t happy with her. Grab a number and wait in line.

Kelly hung her head and closed her eyes.Are you there, God? Do I belong here?

The same mocking laugh of her grandmother grew louder. She tried to focus on anything but the sound, butthat only made it worse. God was stronger than her grandmother. That much she knew, so why couldn’t she hear God? Did He just not care until she was well-studied? Would He ignore her pleas until she’d read the Bible?

Rebecca reached over, threaded her hand through Kelly’s, and she whispered, “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Heat flowed up her neck to the top of her head. She had to have made a noise, something to let Rebecca know she was going through something. How could she have grown so weak in such a short time? Just a few months before, Nathan would’ve used any weakness, any hint at her feelings against her.

Kelly squeezed her hand then released Rebecca. The touch was too much. She couldn’t force herself to stay in the contact. If Sam was at her side, maybe. His touch carried a feeling of protection, whereas everyone else felt like they were trying to take something from her.

She closed her eyes tightly.Lord, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong with Nathan, either, but I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to the halfway house and I have no family. Please, tell me what to do.

The preacher’s voice broke through all the noise in her head. “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord rest His countenance upon you and give you peace.”

Peace. What did that even mean? Her thoughts pulled her in so many directions, but all of them pushed her toward one conclusion. If she couldn’t hear the voice of God when she called out to him and if Sam was embarrassed to be with her, then she didn’t belong there. She needed to run. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Kelly shot to her feet and raced for the door as othersslowly rose. She didn’t even care that it slammed behind her as she ran.

The banging doormade Sam swing around. Everyone around him was in shock, but he’d known the moment he heard it who it was. He searched for Kelly next to Rebecca, but there was only an empty seat there.

Go after her.

He really wasn’t sure if that was a nudge or just common sense, but he took off at a run for the door. Edwyn caught him and gripped his arm, almost slamming him into the wall.

“What are you doing? I can’t just let her run off like that?”

Edwyn looked him in the eye. “Whose mission are you on, yours or hers?”

He shook free of Edwyn’s grasp. “I’m on God’s mission. He wants to see her healed.” And that was the truth. He’d been told to pray for her. God wouldn’t have asked him to pray for her if she were totally lost. If her soul would never react to the Holy Spirit, God wouldn’t ask him to do what pulled him apart. Now he knew what Hosea felt in some small measure, though Gomer continued to choose her path, much like the Israelites. That was eye-opening, too, though. How much of Israel’s choice to follow other gods and be disobedient was actually human misunderstanding?

Pushing through the door, he searched for Kelly. There were very few places she would know to go. The kennel, where he assumed she’d left Zeus, was the first place to look. She could be in the barn with her horse, orback in her cabin. Connor had given him the key last night to the cabin he was supposed to share with her, and they were to move today. If he found her.

If she was too emotional about it, he couldn’t force her. Safety was important, but her fragile state was more so. Moving was another change. She’d had so much change recently that even that small thing might push her over the edge. If Nathan could hear her, he would use that against her.

“Kelly?” He didn’t want to yell, since the others would be pouring out of the chapel soon. He headed for the kennels. That was the most likely place she’d be and the place he went when he wanted time alone. No one ever bothered him in the kennels.

He slowly pulled the door open. “Kelly?”

There was a small sniffling sound in the back corner. He made his footfalls heavy so she should be able to hear them, but tried to make them noisy, not menacing.

Kelly was on the floor, sitting on Zeus’s dog bed with him. Her face was buried in the dog’s neck and Zeus’s eyes were wide, like he wanted to back away but knew he was needed right there.

“It’s okay, boy.” Sam lowered to his knees and gently pried Kelly’s grip loose from around the dog. She was shaking, literally shuddering, in his hands. Deep sobs turned her face red. “Kelly . . .” He held his arms wide to give her somewhere to go that wasn’t Zeus.

The dog dashed off, still uncomfortable with hugs. Kelly clung to Sam, and he slowly arranged himself so he could sit at her side, giving both of them a more comfortable place. If he was going to give emotional support, he might be there for a while.

“What happened?”

She shook her head, clenching her jaw tightly. Words weren’t going to get him far. He needed time and so did she, so he settled in against the wall and waited for her to tell him what was on her mind.

After about ten minutes, her sobs had slowed to sniffles. “I had to leave. Jesus would be unhappy with my thoughts. They didn’t belong in a church. Jesus would be angry with me.”

If Sam was going to break every rule in the book, he’d break the most important one, too. He brushed his fingers through her hair and felt her relax against his side. “That’s not how Jesus works. He holds out his hand to those who want to repent and move on. It’s those who are convinced they’re right in their faith but are wrong, that’s when he flips tables and brings out the whips. Kelly, Jesus loves you with a tenderness no man can match.”

Not even him.

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