Page 119 of Endgame

Right. I’ll pick up some wine and chocolate then. See you in a few. I love you.

I don’t hesitate.

I love you so much Caleb.

On the day of the scan, Lara is the first to be ready, and she sticks by me so closely that they have to let the three of us into the room for the ultrasound.

‘It’ll be a little cold.’

I’m holding tightly onto Lara’s hand as the cool gel goes on my tummy.

‘Ready?’

I nod.

‘Wait,’ Lara says, letting go of my hand. ‘Caleb?’

She quietly swaps places with Caleb and he interlocks our fingers.

All three of us stare at the small screen. The hard roller presses down on my stomach until the baby comes into view.

‘It’s got Caleb’s head!’ Lara laughs.

For the first time, it hits me. This baby is real. It’s clearly unhappy that it has been disturbed and is wriggling around. The little heartbeat is what undoes me. The rush of love I have been praying, hoping, waiting to feel hits me all so once. It’s so forceful, I gasp.

‘Strong,’ the technician says, as she takes some measurements. ‘Would you like to know the gender?’

For the first time, I take my eyes off the screen and look at Caleb. He is in absolute pieces and can’t wipe the silent tears he is shedding, fast enough. The technician has to hand him a box of tissues with her spare hand.

‘Caleb, what do you think?’

It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Caleb unable to speak. His voice is inaudible as it quavers, but I manage to decipher that he doesn’t mind.

‘Lara?’

‘Yes please, but only if you want to. I can live with the suspense.’

‘I think so,’ I say to the technician.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I see Caleb nodding along too.’

‘Mum and Dad, you’re going to have a little girl.’

Caleb, Lara and I burst into tears that won’t stop as our daughter continues to entertain herself on the screen and the technician takes a few pictures for us.

‘From what I can see, everything looks good. Mum and Dad, we should get all the other test results soon. Congratulations.’

The three of us hold on to each other tightly, sobbing, until the technician leaves the room for us to compose ourselves.

Seeing our little baby switched something on in me. I would do absolutely everything to nurture, protect and keep her. I left that room feeling a renewed sense of purpose. In that one afternoon, I went from the sharp, anxious chaos that was going on in my mind to absolute focus, to create the best environment I could for her.

When Caleb and I get into bed that night, I lift his hand and place it on my belly, where it has always belonged.

THIRTY-TWO

CALEB

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