Page 112 of Endgame

‘I know. I’ll be fine.’

‘Is there anything you need?’

‘No, I’m okay.’

‘I’ve been putting the rent for the flat back into your account. Jack’s covering the bills and is contributing enough.’

‘Thank you, Caleb.’

‘Are you still happy for me to arrive before you tell your parents? I’d like us to do it together.’

‘Yes. Of course. They’d definitely appreciate it more coming from both of us.’

‘I’m sorry I fucked up, Aari.’

‘I’m sorry I fucked up too.’ Me swearing puts a tiny smile on Caleb’s face before he sighs deeply.

‘Come here.’

He pulls my face towards his and plants a slow kiss on me. It’s tentative and unsure at first, but soon I surrender to my boyfriend. I love this boy, I really do – but how can we love each other so intensely, but hurt each other so painfully?

I stay, standing, comforted by Caleb’s hug, until we hear the taxi beeping outside.

‘Yes! Jasper did well.’ Lara walks into the hall of the beautiful home. She’s collected our keys from the next-door neighbour.

‘He did.’ As I step into the house, I feel a release of responsibility that I’ve carried since I arrived in Singapore fall off my shoulders. I don’t have to fight any more. I don’t have to prove myself. I don’t have to hold it together for anyone. And I most certainly don’t have to pretend to be the imposter I’ve been for the last year and a bit. In fact, I don’t have to do anything any more; and I don’t want to. I leave my suitcase in the hall and make my way up the stairs.

‘Where are you going? I was planning to nick the biggest en suite! Don’t you dare beat me to it!’ Lara laughs.

‘You can have whatever you want, Lara,’ I say quietly, then I find the tiniest bedroom, get under the duvet and cry myself to sleep.

It’s dark when Lara softly taps me awake.

‘Babe, you’ve been asleep all day. I brought you some water. Do you want something to eat?’

‘No thank you. I’d just like to stay here please.’

‘Do you want to take a shower? I finally figured out how to work the boiler.’

I shake my head, too exhausted to move.

‘Okay. Is there anything I can get you?’

‘No thank you. I’d just like to go back to sleep please.’

Thankfully, Lara lets me do just that. I don’t want to talk, think or move. I just want to sleep.

The next time I hear from Lara is the following afternoon.

‘Aari. Would you like something to eat? I went to the shops this morning.’

‘No, thank you.’

‘Please have something, if not for you, for Elsie.’

‘Don’t do that, Lara!’ I snap. ‘And stop calling it that. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lie here. Please leave me alone.’

I pull the duvet over my head and lie awake, feeling nothing, until I fall asleep.

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