Page 111 of Endgame

I don’t have much to say either. All I can feel is the fog around me getting thicker, pushing me deeper into myself. I’m returning home in a state that I never could have imagined. Single, unemployable thanks to the pregnancy, with no idea what the future holds. Everything is destroyed and it’s only a matter of time before my relationship with Caleb deteriorates too.

The only shining light is that we are creating something beautiful, but the devastating truth that I dare not tell anyone is that I feel nothing for it. From everything you see, watch,read and hear, I’m meant to be beyond awe and over the moon, but I’m not. I feel nothing. Caleb was the socket of love, power, excitement and joy that I plugged into, and now it’s gone. The most frightening thought that is currently lurking, is that there might be a future where I won’t love this baby, and it makes me feel guilty, anxious, overwhelmed and vulnerable. At the same time, to admit that out loud would be almost blasphemous; so I have no choice but to carry these feelings silently.

My thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell as I sit on the couch alone.

‘I’ll get it,’ Caleb calls from upstairs as he dashes down.

‘Is she still here?’ I hear Lara ask and I turn to see her push Caleb aside.

‘Hello to you too. Hey, Honey.’

‘Oh phew. Good.’ Lara sounds out of breath.

‘Hey. What’s going on?’ I ask her.

‘Honey and I talked about it. I’m coming with you.’

‘What? No, I’ll be fine,’ I protest. Lara and Honey just got together and she’s still looking for a job.

‘Shut up, Aari. I’m coming. Just to help you and Elsie settle in, and then I’ll be back.’

‘Honey?’ I stand to find her.

‘She’ll be back soon, don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Caleb.’ Honey shrugs in that sweet nonchalant way she does.

‘Hear that, Caleb? I’ll be back soon! I will kill you if you give my room to someone else.’ Lara points at him.

‘What room?’ Caleb looks confused.

‘I’m moving in with you when I get back and you can’t say no because I’m unemployed and about to assume responsibility for the most important things in your life. You owe me. You can pay me back in rent-free accommodation. And no bills. I’m poor.’

The speed with which Caleb grabs Lara and pulls her into a tight grateful hug makes my heart melt.

‘Yuck. Ew. Ew. Ew!’ Lara tries to detach herself but he holds on. ‘Still a lesbian, you idiot. My girlfriend is literally right there! Honey, beat him up for hitting on me.’

Honey laughs and approaches me for a hug.

‘You’re going to be okay, Ariella Mason.’ The way she says it is so reassuring, I believe her, and a tear escapes.

‘Please look after MsPat,’ I beg.

‘I will. She’s already thrown out half of my kitchen cabinet and is replacing it with healthy fruits and vegetables. And she’s demanding a day a week off to sort Caleb’s life out.’

All of us laugh.

‘When do we head out?’ Lara asks, pointing at a suitcase I didn’t notice initially. I look at my watch.

‘About an hour?’

‘Okay, great. Come on, Honey.’ Lara grabs Honey by the hand and leads her out to the patio for some privacy, leaving Caleb and me in an awkward silence.

I pretend I need to go to the bathroom to get away from him, and ascend the stairs to avoid the route that allows me to see through to the patio. I sit in stillness on the cold toilet lid, wishing the time away. After a little while there is a soft knock on the door.

‘Aari?’

I flush and wash my hands before I open the door to Caleb. I let him lead me into our bedroom and shut the door.

‘I’ll be over in about a week.’

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