Page 43 of Endgame

‘Cheers, Jack,’ Em says.

‘Please? Em, you have to try her cooking!’ he reinforces.

‘Do you mind?’ Caleb whispers and I shake my head. He squeezes my hand.

‘So now I’m curious.’ Em chuckles. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’

‘It’s been a while, but I’d love to.’

Em and I spend the next fifteen minutes going through her fridge, freezer and pantry. I settle on some simple salted garlic, thyme and toasted bay leaf lamb steaks, served with minted peas and honey-glazed carrots.

‘It’s so good to see you, Ariella,’ Em says as she grabs a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and tosses it on the counter.

‘It’s lovely to see you too. How have things been?’

‘Mixed. Prosecco?’ she asks. I nod and two glasses appear. ‘Tim is working a lot, the boys are growing up too quickly and, while Alfie still needs me, I’m beginning to realise that unless I want to have another baby I need to start thinking about who I am when I’m not a wife or mother.’

‘That sounds brave. Redefining the person you have been for so long takes a lot of courage. How long have you been feeling like this?’

‘I think the feeling has always been there for the last sixteen years, partly because we got married when Tim was twenty-one and I was nineteen. I was in my first year at uni when we found out that Seb was coming. Leo followed shortly after. Then Alfie much later. I suppose I slipped into a Wife and Mum identity and stayed there.’

‘What were you studying at university?’

‘Fine art,’ Em says with a frown on her face.

‘Would you consider going back to it?’

‘Not sure. Things are very different now.’

‘That’s true, but you’d be surrounded by people who are also trying to learn the same things as you. My suggestion would be to maybe start with something you know you love and navigate from there, but only if you want to.’

‘I could start a course from home? You and Caleb literally moved country and your worlds didn’t shatter. I can sit at a computer for a couple of hours a day.’

‘You could, and your world most certainly won’t shatter.’ I try to sound upbeat but I hear the break in my voice at the end. I really like Em and I feel privileged that she is trusting me with her inner thoughts. I really don’t want to make the conversation about me.

‘Ariella, are you okay?’ Em walks over and puts her hand on my shoulder.

The ball of fear, uncertainty and hurt I’m holding on to rises to the top and a tear falls. And then another. After that they are unstoppable.

‘Ariella, tell me what’s wrong,’ Em soothes gently, rubbing my back the way my mother would. It’s out before I can stop it.

‘Our world did shatter, Em.’

‘Oh, that. Yes. He told Tim and me.’

‘He did?’

‘Yes. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but he needs you to get through it. You’re so good for him, Ariella.’

‘I don’t know if I can get through it.’

‘You have to. For him. If you love him.’

‘I do, but I need to be able to trust him. He kept it a secret for so long, Em, and because he did…She’s going to get away with it.’

‘It makes my blood boil too, but it’s not his fault, Ariella.’

‘He was complicit, Em. He should have said something sooner.’

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