Page 25 of Yours, Truly

This on and off bullshit was exhausting. This time it ran deeper than just sex with us, there were feelings involved now whether he wanted to admit that or not.

“No, let's not leave it,” I said, a little more annoyed now. My blood was boiling and I didn’t want to have this argument with him again. “This is the problem Nate. You push me away, hide things, get angry, there is no communication. You were right… this was a mistake because I can’t keep getting hurt by you.”

“Gi, I'm sorry I hurt you,” he said, "but Itoldyou not to get tooinvolved. I didn’t want to hurt you like that.”

Hehadwarned me and it was my fault that I was hurting, I had let it go too far.

“It’s too late. You have hurt me. I can’t help that I care about you, that I love spending time with you… that I… have feelings for you,” I confessed, letting the tears fall silently into the night sky. I had nothing to lose now and I couldn’t keep lying to myself, to him, I needed to come clean once and for all. I could hear him on the other side of the phone sighing in defeat.

“Gi, please don’t. I told you not to,” he said, softly.

“Too late I guess,” I whispered, as the tears continued to stream down my face while my heart ached.

“You don't know me, Gi and you wouldn't like me if you found out the real me.” There was a pause. I had nothing else to say.

I had confessed my feelings to him and he still wouldn’t admit his own. I knew they were there, he was scared. He wasn’t even close to his family so how could he get close to anyone else, to spill his heart and be vulnerable? If he couldn’t be like that around them, he sure as hell couldn’t around a stranger. “I can't give you what you want. I'm not that person”

“So, why call me? Why waste even more of my time?”

My voice was shaking. I wanted this call to go a different way but instead it was worse than yesterday. I was in too deep. I lowered myself onto the childhood swing to stop from falling to the ground. I fiddled with the hem of my jacket as I sat on the swing, gently pushing my feet on the ground, swaying as I looked back at the house. I longed to be a kid again, how easylife was then.

“I didn't know what to do,” he admitted, his voice shaking too. It sounded like he was crying but I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t listen to this. I couldn’t be pulled further into the blackhole that Nate had created. I wasn’t going to be crushed. He had made it very clear; I wanted more and he didn't. There was nothing more to discuss. I sniffed, wiping my face with my sleeve.

“I think you do, Nate. You have made it clear every time we have a conversation. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” I hung up the phone and cried into my hands.

My Dad had been watching from the kitchen window. He knew something was going on, so while Mum was in there cleaning up, he came to watch over me. As if on cue, as soon as he saw the phone in my lap, he ran outside, placing a blanket over my shoulders. He came to comfort me, not saying a word, just being there and letting me cry into him. Just as I had so many times as a child and when Kyle and I broke up.

My Dad and I had such a close bond, the intuition he felt when I was hurting was something that couldn’t be explained. He was the only person on this earth that knew my concealed signs.

We stayed there until I felt ready to return to the house, settling into my childhood bedroom. I thought of the memories I had made in this room, when life was simple and all I had to worry about was doing my homework. I left my phone on the pillow beside me, the soft vibration against my head pulling my attention back to it. I sniffed back the tears I had been cryingsince I climbed in, focussing on the message appearing on the screen in my line of vision…

19

NEW YEARNEW CHOICES

I spent longer with my parents than originally planned. I welcomed in the New Year with them, after Brie and James had gone home following our family Christmas.

I had returned to work and was meeting Ivy this weekend for our girls day, the first one of the new year and the first time seeing her after the Christmas Day chaos. She knew something was going on. Just like the last couple of times we had met, I was quieter than usual, but not just in person now. I replied to her messages when they arrived, but when it came to her calls I sent them to voicemail as I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. I knew I would break. But I didn’t want my situationship with Nate to ruin the real friendship I had with Ivy. So I forced myself to still meet up and prayed that, when I saw her, I was able to make sure she was the centre of attention, despite the topic being Nate.

The moment she saw me she apologised for Christmas, once again, which I shrugged off, before she asked aboutBoxing Day with my parents. I couldn’t exactly tell her the whole truth, that I’d got pissed after a ‘break up’ from my secret situation with Nate, drowned my emotions, got sarcastic comments from my sister, then cried myself to sleep after a very real and emotional conversation with her brother. The man I had fallen in love with, letting me down in the gentlest way he knew how.

So, instead I settled for “Yeah, it was okay, same as usual.” That was the best I could give her without bursting into tears.

“Brie?” she asked and I chuckled, nodding at the usual conversations that were the reason for any drama at my family events. Ivy knew all about Brie and her belittling by now. I had to return the favour and check in with her after the explosion at Christmas dinner that I had witnessed.

“How are you doing since yours?” I asked her, remembering how upset she had gotten.

“Erm, Mum's pissed at Dad, so they didn’t go on holiday. Nate won't spend time with us anymore. He won’t answer any of our calls, just when he was trying to come back.” Her eyes glazed over. “I'm kind of worried he's gone back to his old ways, getting drunk in a bar and making dumb choices,” she confessed. I think since I had now witnessed the situation first hand, she could finally openly talk about it.

“Dumb choices?” I asked curiously, trying not to pry but I cared about Nate and if he was in harm’s way I needed to know.

“Reliving his teen years, drinking, partying, women.” The last word shoved a knife in my heart and it took every ounce of self-control not to react. “That’s how he used to cope. As you saw, him and my Dad would argue a lot. This was his copingmethod when Dad made him feel like shit or worse. He would try to numb the pain; with women and alcohol and sometimes… narcotics. He would try and feel better by losing himself. My Dad would then step in and pull him from going too far. It’s kind of twisted.” The conversation between Nate and his Dad was making sense now. “I shouldn’t even tell you this but I have no one else to talk to. Mum doesn’t know about Nate’s narcotic episodes, I’m mad at Dad and Jude is away for work again”

All of this was swirling around my head…narcotic episodes!? What the fuck did that even mean?My heart sank at the thought of him getting intoxicated, paying attention to other women, potentially taking the odd drug fix or two to keep the party going. Did he do it until the point of blackouts, hospital visits, or worse, the brink of death? How far is too far before his Dad eventually stepped in?

Questions flew around my head so fast that I felt sick. Was this why he called me on Boxing Day? For me to save him? My anxiety was bubbling up inside and I wanted to confess everything right here and now if that meant Nate would be safe.

“And what about the fighting?” I asked her and she looked at me, confused as to why I was suddenly more interested. “You told me he got into a lot of fights. Was that something that happened during his episodes?”

---