Page 37 of Sideline Play

“I bet you looked stunning.”

“Thank you. I felt so pretty. At least until he knocked on my door. When I opened it, the first thing he said was, ‘You should change.’ Looking back, I should’ve slammed the door in his face and called it off, but I didn’t. I shrugged and told him if he didn’t want to be seen with me that was fine but I was going as I was, and he could take it or leave it. He quickly apologized, said he only meant my shoes might become uncomfortable with all the walking, and because it made sense to me, I forgave him. He was always so sweet, so why should I hold one poorly executed comment against him?

“So we went together and like I said, it was awkward. I was awkward. I had never done this before and I just kept thinking, ‘this isn’t how it is in books or on TV; maybe I need to lower my standards.’”

“Never,” Remi stresses, adjusting himself to look at me head on, his hands cupping my face. “And I meanneverlower your standards for anyone. If any man isn’t meeting your expectations, communicate them clearly, and if he still isn’t, he’s not the man for you. Whether you’re with me or someone else, promise me Scar that you won't ever think that again.”

Leaning into his touch and kissing his palm, I respond, “I like that about you. I don’t know if it’s because you’re older or were raised by a single mom or if it’s just you, but I like how… healthy you are.”

Kissing my forehead, he sinks us back into the daybed and murmurs, “No one is perfect, but if he’s not trying every single day, he isn’t worthy. And Scar, if your feet are ever sore from wearing your pretty shoes that make me want to do absolutely filthy things to you, I’ll carry you.”

“I wish I could have experienced everything with you first.”

“No. I wasn’t ready for you then. My head was screwed up over the loss of my ma and I still needed to come to terms with who I was, what I liked, and what I wanted. I needed thattime so I could be ready for you now. Besides, first isn’t what’s important; it’s last.”

Pushing aside the sudden and far too soon idea that Remi could be my last, I continue telling him about my first date and all the signs I missed.

“At times I had fun, but this feeling of it not being right kept lurking. I was stupid though and kept chalking it up to inexperience. We did several of the rides, wandered the booths where I probably took too long and bought too many things for it being a date, ate until I was stuffed on funnel cakes, cotton candy, and tacos, and then we went to do the games. And looking back, this was when I realized I should have called things off and asked Roman to come get me.”

Feeling anxious, I sit up and turn around to face Remington, shoving my fingers through my hair and pulling until my scalp stings.

Quickly letting go, I defend, “I didn’t know. I had never done this before, and dad always said I never needed to dim myself or be anything less to appease someone else. Plus I mean, hello! Castor was playing D1 baseball and living with Ro. It’s not like it was some big secret that our dad isColt Jones.It should’ve been a forgone conclusion I would kick his ass, but I didn’t know girls were supposed to let boys win.

“You know the game with the bottles stacked on the table and how you not only have to knock them all down butoff?” Not even waiting for him to nod, I keep going. “Well, I love that game. I kick ass at that game thanks to dad. I was so freaking excited to show Castor how good I was, so when we played, I didn’t hold back.

“But the nail in my coffin wasn’t beating him. It was when I stupidly came up behind him and started critiquing his throwing and guiding him through what he was doing wrong. To be fair,I hadn’t meant to ‘emasculate’ him. He was the one who asked how I kept beating him.

“He wassopissed off. I mean livid. He shoved me off of him and I can’t even really remember what he said, just that it took everything I had not to start crying.” Curling my hand over my left tricep, I start to grip the muscle as if the pain is still there and I’m trying to rub it out. “I just remember thanking the vendor for my prize, collecting my bags, and Castor grabbing my arm and dragging me out of there saying we couldn’t stay after I made him look like such a fool.

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell Ro or how I let Castor talk me into another date with him, but after numerous flower deliveries, surprises of coffee and my favorite candies, apologies and promises, I did. I continued going on dates with him.

“All I can come up with is that I was too afraid of throwing off the team’s dynamic if things didn’t work out, so I made them work. Which you don’t have to tell me is stupid because I know Roman would have never,eversaid anything remotely close to that if it hadn’t, but especially under those circumstances. I guess I just kind of convinced myself that since he promised not to hurt me again, it would be okay.”

Falling forward so I’m tucked under Remi’s chin, I wrap my arms around him, sliding my chilled hands under his sweatshirt and up his back.

Holding me close, he kisses the top of my head and murmurs, “Scar, you’re not to blame for any of this. It’s how abusers work. Using your fears against you, giving you just enough of their good side to keep you ensnared. It’s not your fault.”

“I know,” I sniff. “Logically I know that. I just feel so stupid when I think about it. I’m intelligent, have my own resources, a great support system, am well adjusted, and yet somehow I let this happen to me and I kept letting it happen. I knew it wasn’t right, but I was too embarrassed to say anything. Tooafraid to be a disappointment to my dad and Roman. And God I feel ridiculous even saying this, but Castor could be so kind and sweet and caring. It would completely eclipse everything else and it made it so easy to ignore the bad, even make excuses for it.”

Taking in a shaky breath, I reach over to begin petting Winnie, my fingers roaming across her fur in time with Remington’s hand along my spine. When I feel less on the verge of breaking down in his arms, I sit back up. Turning over so I’m looking out at the mountains and more importantly positioned so I can’t see his face, I sigh.

“After it all, when I was giving dates to the police, I was surprised to see how little time had actually passed. Living it felt… endless. Like I was trapped, dying the slowest death imaginable. When it was all said and done though, it’d hardly been more than six weeks. Time’s funny like that I guess. Six weeks with you feels like the blink of an eye, and six weeks with him felt like a life sentence.”

Playing with Remi’s hands, I waffle over what exactly to say next. I’m sure there are details from those weeks that may come up in our day to day life, but it’s the physical that keeps me in a chokehold. The forgone conclusion, at least for me, that I’ll be attempting to have sex with him despite the blockades still existing in my head. That’s the trigger of indecision, fear, and what ultimately he needs to know most.

With a deep breath I rush out, “I wasn’t raped.” Then quietly add, “So all of that is still… um… yours… if, if you know, you want it.”

“Scar…”

“I know, Remi,” I quickly interject. “I know that’s probably not really important, but… it is to me. It’s actually really important to me and when it um… was really bad in the first days and weeks after, I clung to that. That maybe I would one daystill get to have that moment with a man I would be in love with or could fall in love with or even just met. That that moment, however it came, would happen on my terms. Reminding myself of that was instrumental in getting me not to give up. So me being a virgin may not ordinarily be something of importance, but it has become something of significance to me.”

“Okay,” he quietly nods behind me, kissing my head, my temple, my cheek, and down the line of my neck where he rests his lips on my shoulder. “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. Just know–”

Patting his hand, I whisper, “I know.”

With my head resting against his, I say, “I tutored athletes while in undergrad. Callum Cutter, the Carolina quarterback, was actually one of them. Brilliant creative mind, terrible with science and math. So I saw him a lot. Not thatanyoneknew because he and Ro had been feuding since their freshman year and I was not about to have my loyalty called into question. Plus there was that whole getaway car incident the following semester. Not a good look for Callum’s tutor to be the one aiding and abetting those who committed arson.”

Springing free of Remington, I turn around and point, “But you did not hear any of that! Got it?” Chuckling as he pretends to zip his lips, I smile. “Good. I have my good girl reputation to uphold after all. Besides, arson is such a strong word. It was a baby fire at best. Totally controlled.”

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