Page 50 of Ours to Keep

My eyes find Tommy’s sympathetic gaze staring back at me in the mirror, and I shake my head, trying to dispel my disorientation, my body not feeling like my own.

Why did I not fight back?

Will I always be this—a victim?

Unable to suppress it any longer, I unleash an almighty sob that works up through my chest and throat, releasing my tears in the process.

My knees begin to buckle, but I don’t fall as arms envelop me and pull me into a solid wall of warm muscle.

“I’ve got you,” Tommy murmurs, his arms encircling me as I press my face into his chest.

He holds me, something I don’t take for granted, especially now that I know more about him and his past. His hand rubs soothing circles on my back, his warmth slowly seeping into my frozen core.

“I didn’t even try to protect myself… didn’t even try to fight back.” The omission is like a physical weight bearing down on me.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispers, but his words do nothing to erase my guilt and shame.

I pull back slightly, looking up at him through tear-filled eyes. “How can you say that? I should have at least tried to fight back. Wasn’t that the point of River teaching me self-defence?”

Tommy’s expression hardens, but not with anger, but something much deeper. “I think whatever hold Richard had over you for all those years prevented you from acting. It’s a physiological trauma response.” His hand stops at my lower back, sending a violent shiver through me. “It was about self-preservation in that moment, and deep down, I believe you did what you needed to survive. You can’t reason with someone like Richard.”

I close my eyes, wanting so badly to believe him. To draw from the strength he’s trying to offer me. But I fear it’s in vain. The persistent self-doubt and shame are still so much louder and more insistent.

“Lily,” he says, as if sensing my inner conflict. His hands cup my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You are not defined by what happened to you. It’s not your fault. You’re so fucking strong, and I’m here to help you see that.”

A small part of me wants to trust in his words and allow him to be my anchor. But another part is afraid to give in, like I need to hold onto the self-blame and anger, at least until Mia is back and safe.

“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper, my voice trembling.

“You can,” Tommy says, his eyes never leaving mine. “And you will, I promise. But it will take time. All that matters right now is that you’re here and you’re safe.”

“But what about Mia? While she’s with him, she’s not safe.” My voice cracks, saying that out loud is like a sledgehammer to my heart.

“He dotes on her, Lily. I think it would take a lot for that to change. And the guys are doing everything in their power to track them down and bring her back to you.”

I can’t help but nod, a fragile thread of hope stretching between us. If I can get through this darkness with anyone, I believe it’s with him, and if anyone can bring her back to me, I have to believe it’s them.

“I just hate the thought of her being alone with him, saying the wrong thing or asking the wrong question. I couldn’t live with myself if he hurt her because of me.”

Letting out a long, shaky breath, I go to step back, but his hold on me doesn’t falter.

“Sunshine, none of this is on you. Agonising over something you have no control over will eat away at you. But I know Mia needs you to be strong because when she comes back to you, and she will, she will need her big sister.”

He continues to hold me, rubbing comforting circles on my back while he rests his chin on my head. I bury my face into his chest, his familiar scent enveloping me and soothing the nerves that have been running through my body.

I feel safe in his arms. If I’m being honest, I feel safe with each one of the guys, and it only makes me want to get to know them all even more.

“Can I ask you something?”

Tommy pulls back and studies me. “Yeah, sunshine, you can ask me anything.”

“Do you think you’ll ever tell me what happened, why you fear being touched?”

I swallow, aware that it’s probably the last thing he expected me to ask, and as much as it may not be any of my business, I want to know him better. I feel as though he’s seen the worst parts of me, and I want to be there for him the way he’s been here for me.

He sighs and takes a deep breath.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, Tommy. But if you ever want to talk about it. I’m here.”

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