Page 85 of Perfect Imperfections

Charlotte nodded, her little nose scrunching up as she squinted her eyes. “I’m fine, Daddy. Are you okay? Your face looks funny.”

Funny? If clenching his jaw to the point of cracking a crown just to hold everything in was funny, then he supposed he did look funny.

“I’m okay.”

She tilted her head, staring harder. Sullivan tried to scrounge up a smile, to prove he was just fine and dandy when nothing could be further from the truth. Suddenly Charlotte jumped off her chair and ran from the room, exclaiming,

“Be right back!”

He rose from his crouched position, confused by the sudden move, wondering where his daughter had taken off to. The sounds of heavy footsteps pounding up the stairs, followed by the crash of her bedroom door hitting the wall, carried down to him. He winced but tried to remember he’d just laid a lot on her and shouldn’t reprimand her for slamming doors. She was eight. They were working on it and frankly, tonight, he could give her a pass.

The thumping footsteps sounded once again, and he wondered how a tiny child could make such a racket. And then she was there, standing in front of him again, hands holding something behind her back, a sweet smile on her face.

“Here, Daddy.” She brought the object out from behind her back, thrusting it toward him. “You can sleep with El tonight. Whenever I get sad or scared, El makes me feel better. She’s great at snuggles.”

He reached down, taking the soft, stuffed elephant from his daughter’s generous, caring hands. Her gesture struck him like an arrow to the heart. She was worried about him? That wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Parents worried over their kids, not the other way around. As he cuddled the fuzzy animal with the ridiculously big googly eyes, he felt his heart pound with so many emotions: anger, grief, fear, love.

“Thank you, angel. I’m sure El will make me feel much better. You sure you don’t need her tonight?”

“No. I can cuddle CC.”

CC. The stuffed penguin Cam had given to Charlotte on their last zoo visit. At this rate, his daughter could open her own stuffed zoo in no time.

“Okay, time for bed then.”

They headed up the stairs—quietly this time—and went through Charlotte’s nightly routine. He tucked her into bed, kissing her softly on the forehead.

“Goodnight, Charlotte. I love you.”

“Night, Daddy. Love you too.” She gave a jaw-cracking yawn, tired little eyes closing as she muttered sleepily. “I like it when Ellie tucks me into bed. Why did she leave, Daddy? Tomorrow is pancake day. I like the funny shapes Ellie makes.”

Sad little eyes glanced up at him, sleep creeping into their depths as she waited for his answer. A low burn started in his chest. He rubbed at the spot, recognizing the pain for what it was.

Guilt.

Ellie left because he told her to. Because he all but pushed her out the door. His brain had been about to explode, and he couldn’t contain all the rage and despair inside as she stood there offering to help. Sullivan had been the head of his family for so long, the one everyone came to when they needed help. He’d forgotten how to ask for it himself. He didn’t think he would even know what to do with the help that someone offered. The help Ellie offered. So he’d pushed her away. Hurt her.

Nice going, dickhead.

He’d been so consumed with how this news affected him and Charlotte, he’d completely disregarded Ellie. Treated her like she didn’t matter, like she wasn’t a part of their lives, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Maybe since mommy is gone, Ellie can be my new mommy.” Charlotte said, her eyes drooping closed.

The words trailed off as she slipped off to sleep, but he heard them loud and clear. He had no idea what to do with them. He cared for the woman deeply. Might even say he was inching off the cliff into full-blown love. But after what he’d dealt with tonight, what he learned about his ex, the bottom of that cliff was filled with razor sharp rocks, just waiting for him to fall, and be impaled.

How could he trust in love when his own ex-wife not only abandoned her child—the one human a person is supposed to love unconditionally—but also never made contact once she gained sobriety? Could he take that leap, knowing Ellie might eventually leave? Her leaving would affect Charlotte on a deeper psychological level, considering she would be old enough to remember it. How could he risk his daughter’s happiness?

Liar. It’s not about Charlotte.

The words echoed in his head. Telling him he was full of shit. It wasn’t his daughter he was worried about, not entirely anyway. He was worried about himself. Sullivan was afraid of putting his heart on the line again. Afraid of opening up, confessing his love and devotion only to have it thrown in his face, tossed to the side of the road like trash. It hurt when Claire left. More than he let anyone know. He’d sucked it up because he had to, because he had to be there for Charlotte. If he let himself love Ellie and she left him or she died….

An icy cold chill skated up his spine.

He couldn’t handle that. It would break him, and he couldn’t afford to be broken. Not when the people in his life depended on him. Gavin and Charlotte. That’s why he pushed Ellie away tonight. He knew if he let her comfort him, their relationship would take a turn, one they couldn’t come back from, and he couldn’t handle that right now. Perhaps ever.

He clutched El to his chest, knowing the kind, caring woman who gave this to his daughter deserved better than a man like him. A man who, for all intents and purposes, appeared to have his life together. But he didn’t. Deep down, he was broken. His jagged edges would only end up hurting Ellie in the end. She deserved more than him, better.

But I don’t want to give her up.

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