Page 35 of Footlights and Forever

“What do you mean?” The muscle in my back tensed, preparing for a fight that I did not want to have.

“What I mean is,” he wandered into the house with me following close behind, “are you even thinking about Dylan in all of this?”

Okay now I was pissed. “Explain,” I bit out through clenched teeth.

“What I mean is, from what you have told me, you were a bit of a player in high school before you nabbed Dylan.” I didn’t know if I liked where he was going with this.

“And?”

“And it seems as if Dylan didn’t get that opportunity to explore that side of himself. He went from no relationship history to basically having a husband in the blink of an eye.” That ball of dread began to grow. “Are you worried at all that maybe you are holding him back and in return, maybe he is holding you back?”

“Dylan is not holding me back!”

“Maybe not.” He shrugged, stooping down to pick up the keg from the patterned marble floor. “But can you honestly say that when all is said and done, that Dylan won’t resent your relationship in the future? He is only in college once, Austin.” And with that I watched him lug the keg down the hallway to the wide-open spaced kitchen.

Is he right? Am I being so selfish holding on to Dylan when he should be using this time to have fun and explore his sexuality?The mere idea of Dylan with his hands or anything else of his on another person had me clenching my hands until the nails embedded themselves in the soft skin of my palms. The thought that in the future, he might look back on this time as something that had been wasted was possibly worse.

Would I start to resent Dylan if he grew bitter towards me? It was something I just couldn’t picture, me and Dylan in our home in the future bickering and yelling at each other about failed opportunities and wasted lives. That is not the future I wanted for us, or even just for Dylan.

I moved quietly through the frat house until I found myself in a large open living room. Two large couches faced each other in the center of the space with an open fireplace at the head of theroom. A couple of armchairs and some fold-out chairs had been placed around the room for people to crash on later. I slumped down into the cushions of one of the overstuffed couches and let my feet rest on the corner of a wooden coffee table in the middle.

“That’s antique wood you’re resting those boots on,” a voice sounded from the doorway.

I pulled my feet off the wood quickly and wiped at the edge with the corner of my shirt. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” I heard a chuckle which had my head snapping up to meet Kevin’s mischievous grin. “You’re fucking with me,” I mumbled.

“I mean, it will be antique someday,” he shrugged, moving to sit in the couch facing me. “Right now however it’s fairly new and from IKEA.”

“Asshole,” I muttered.

“So, what’s with the sad puppy dog face?” He toed the sole of my boots with his own sneakers.

“I don’t have…” I started, but stopped when he gave me a pointed look.

“Austin…”

“Fine,” I huffed, “your brother just got in my head a little and it’s made my head spin.”

“You know you shouldn’t listen to Kyle,” he waved me off, “he usually only thinks about himself or clothes, and he can’t think straight when the focus is off himself. I wouldn’t let whatever he said worry you.”

“He said I may be holding Dylan back from experiencing college,” I sighed.

“Well…” He didn’t continue, and I looked up to see his gaze wandering the room.

“You agree with him?”

“Listen, it’s not for me to say.” He moved off the couch to stand by the window overlooking the street. “It’s really not my place.”

I had no idea why, but I stood to move close behind him. I laid a hand on his shoulder and moved him around to face me. “But I’m asking for your opinion.”

His breath stuttered and my gaze immediately tracked down to his mouth. I felt a tug in my balls as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

“It’s not fair for me to say,” he continued.

“Why?”Don’t ask that question, you fucking idiot.

“Because I’m not unbiased in this situation.” His hands came up to rest on my chest. I didn’t move them. “I’d be serving my own self-interest to tell you to hurry up and dump him. So I’m not going to do that.” He pushed me back slightly and moved around me, walking towards the door. “I’m not going to tell you to stay with him either,” He threw into the room before walking out the door and leaving me stranded with my guilt.

I found Kyle in the hallway moving some boxes with the other frat brothers into the kitchen and joined in to get ready for the party. Idle hands.

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