Page 5 of Embracing Trust

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“When I came home at Christmas…that first year. I felt bad. You hadn’t been answering my texts or calls. I even wrote a letter and—”

“I was upset. I felt alone” My heart hammers in my chest.It will be a miracle if I can get through this weekend without having a damn heart attack.

“But. . .” he holds up his index finger as if he’s made a discovery. “I came over to your mom’s house on Christmas and—”

“You came over?”Thank goodness I have this wall to lean on for support.

“Yeah. And I saw you leaving with some guy.”

“And?” I look down at my shoes. I can feel his icy stare on me.

“It was that guy, wasn’t it?”

I look him in the eye. “Yes. It was Jeff.”

Ryan shakes his head. He uncrosses his arms, looks down at the pavement as he shuffles his feet. “I fuckingknewit. I told you.” His voice is low and seething. He stares at me, waiting for my response.

“I thought he was my friend.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

“I told you that guy wasnofriend.” Ryan says, looking down as runs his shoe across an old cigarette butt on the sidewalk “You sleep with him?”

I gasp. “That isnoneof your business.” I try to walk around him to get back to the entryway and he moves in front of me, blocking my path.

“You know what?” Ryan is inches from me, practically bumping his chest into mine. “It doesn’t matter. Are you still with him?”

I sigh. “No, youwereright. He acted like myfriend, got what he wanted from me, and moved on.” I don’t need to admit that Jeff dumped me after I gave him my virginity. One and done. It was just another disappointment and a reminder that I can’t trust men. Not only was it the most devastating event of my time in college, but it’s also been one of my biggest lapses in judgement.

My eyes are hot. I can feel the tears as they build. One more word and the flood barriers will release and what I’ve managed to hide—especially from Ryan, maybe even from myself—will be revealed. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of myself, my actions. My friendship with Jeff started even before Ryan decided to join the Army. I made the mistake of trusting Jeff and confiding in him what was going on with Ryan. Of course, my doubt and then my anger with Ryan’s choices to join the military only gave fuel to the fire. Jeff was able to ever so subtly plant seeds of doubt in my head about my future with Ryan. I was feeling insecure at the time and confused. Jeff had no problem opening himself up to me. I was a fool.

I cover my face with my hands.Don’t cry. You can’t cry here.

“Please just let me go back inside.”

Ryan lets out a groan. He gently takes my wrists and calmy pulls my hands away from my face. His face softens and he holds out his arms. I let him gather me in his embrace. He feels warm and his shirt smells fresh like laundry soap and him. I forgot what it felt like to have his arms around me. I’m lost for a moment and going back in time. Suddenly I’m sixteen again and I’m in love with him. He holds me for a minute, neither of us speaking.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Me too.”

He releases his embrace and I almost feel cold even though the temperature on this Texas evening is balmy.

“I want to get past this,” I say, looking up into his beautiful blue eyes. “I want to have a good weekend with our friends.”

“Agreed.”

He steps back, motioning me to lead us back into the restaurant. My body shivers when his hand rests at the small of my back as we go inside to rejoin our friends.

Maybe the pastisn’tover yet.

Chapter Four

Ryan

A huge weight has lifted. We each have our right to be pissed for all the shit that went down, but at least we can get through this weekend. As much as I hate to admit it, this woman still has a hold on me. Pretending I didn’t want to kiss her while she was wrapped in my arms would be a lie.

I’ve got a long way to go before I can handle any kind of a relationship. I saw too much in Afghanistan and with the nightmares and panic attacks, I can’t put her through that. I need to focus on what’s in front of me now.

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