Page 44 of Shadows in Bloom

“I don’t give up easily.”

“I am beginning to realize that to be true,” I sighed. “I spoke with Kaz about switching partners because I wanted to avoid you. I—” I paused to look at him. “I, um—oh, don’t make me say more than that. I am not good at these things. You are a terror—teasing me like this!” I pressed my lips into a thin line, my cheeks flushing against my will.

Alandris laughed at the sight. “I would not have made it easy to avoid me.”

“No?”

His grin gave way to a gentle smile. “No. I had long since decided I wanted to terrorize you, as you put it.”

It did warm something in me to hear that perhaps as long as I’d been overwhelmed with thoughts of him, he’d been similarly unsettled by me.

“When I first saw you, I knew there was something more to you. Something which captivated me,” he continued. “There was so much of your personality, your thoughts, you hid away from everyone, but little by little, I began to see pieces of who you were. Then you told me your story, and I thought it was impressively brave of you to consider turning away from everything you’ve ever known. I wanted to help you because of your conviction and because your story—it reminded me of myself. Though, in hindsight, I suppose that was merely an excuse that I told myself to justify why I couldn’t stay away from you.”

I turned away, unable to face him for what I wanted to say. “Alandris, you are the first person who let me be myself, even when I wasn’t sure who that person was. I am uncertain of my identity even now, and you still accept me. No one had ever done that. I was alone, even when I wasn’t. I was never more than a Saintess.” I mustered enough courage to look him in the eyes. “It scared me. I wanted to start over—completely over—once this was all done. You made that… complicated. But I won’t avoid you anymore. You are a complication I am willing to figure out.”

He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. I could feel him smile against my skin. “A complication? I think I enjoy the sound of it.”

“Now, if you are done forcing me to confess to you, we should finish up here. We are losing the daylight.”

“I was rather enjoying it. It is not often I get you to myself, Nairu.”

“We have all the time in the world.”

“Yes, after we fulfill Amorphael’s request, we shall spend that time.”

I should have experienced bliss in that moment, especially after hearing everything Alandris had told me, but it only caused my chest to tighten and my palms to become slick with sweat. There was more than just Amorphael’s quest to worry about. There were Kallistra, and Lyandril, and countless other things that could keep us apart. To think about a peaceful future only made me realize how far from it we truly were. It hurt more than living my life as a puppet, with no dream of my own—to dream and to understand that it may never come true.

Alandris’ voice snapped me out of my daze. “Those look edible. Should we grab some?” He pointed to a bush with tiny, purplish black berries. Highly poisonous berries. He had a knack for that.

“Absolutely not.”

We were the last to return to the campsite, savoring the extra time alone together. Sneaking kisses and touches that we couldn’t have in the company of our companions. Both bittersweet and thrilling.

Kaz had once again failed to catch fish, but Kallistra and Zorinna had gotten incredibly lucky and snared a couple of fathares. The savory scent of roasting meat was already permeating the air, making my mouth water. Zorinna was manning our makeshift spit. I tossed her the bag of watercress and knelt down beside her to help with the cooking.

“We are close to where we need to be,” Zorinna muttered, turning the hare. “I’ve had enough travel for the remainder of my life. I never thought I would crave the comfort and warmth of my own bed so much.”

“Do you miss home?” I knew little about Zorinna’s life. I’d garnered that she lived a fairly luxurious life, given the quality of her clothes, the jewelry she wore, the confidence and regal air with which she carried herself. She was most out of place here, with the least to gain.

Zorinna scrunched her nose, distaste evident in the way her eyes twitched. “I do not. I admit this would not be my first choice of escape, but I needed a break. When I return…” She looked at me, as if debating whether to say more. Evidently, she’d decided to trust me as she continued on, “I will be expected to fulfill my parents’ wishes and pursue a political marriage.”

I swallowed, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry.”

“Yes, I am as well.” A sad smile rose on her lips. “My brother was meant to take on the mantle of the head of our family. He should have been the one to marry and work in service of the King. He decided to fuck off to the other side of the continent instead, leaving his darling sister to take on the burden which was intended to be shared. I had to learn everything in his place, except I didn’t have hundreds of years to do it as he had.” Shesighed. “And now, I am expected to tie my life to someone else when I feel I’ve barely had time to live as myself. I know it is odd to consider, since you are human, but as Elves, as immortals, we do things much slower. I feel as though I’ve only just started my life.”

“Have you ever considered… not?”

“Not obeying my parents’ wishes?” She laughed bitterly. “You sound like my brother. Like Alandris, too. Our family has served the King as advisers for thousands of years. It is my responsibility to ensure the power which comes with that is maintained. There is no one else. My brother ensured that when he fled.”

If Zorinna had knowledge of my plans, she would hate me at worst, or think me selfish at best. She was following the path laid out for her for the sake of her family. I was turning away from the one laid for me, at the potential cost of an entire village of people. I didn’t know what purpose my pilgrimage served in saving them, nor did I know exactly what plagued them, but I knew they had poured everything into me acting as their savior. I was a stranger to most of them, an untouchable Saintess, yet I still felt indebted to them. The two halves of me, one craving freedom and the other burdened with a sense of guilt, were tearing me apart. Zorinna’s story was a painful reminder of that.

“There is no one else,” I repeated in a near whisper.

“Hmm? What’s that, Nairu?”

“Is it possible to have both? To help the people who gave you everything while still being true to the desires in your own heart?”

Zorinna frowned, and my eyes followed her as she turned her head, her gaze falling on Alandris. “I do not know. It is something I am still trying to figure out.”

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