Page 58 of Matched

Chapter Twenty-Five

Tony

Iturn the steering wheel and guide the car into the long driveway that leads to what is now no longer my home. I shift into park and cut the engine, my chin dipping and my hands reaching to cradle my face. My heart races and my hands start shaking.

The whole day had been building to something great. I really did want a life together. Now there’s no way that could ever happen. Not when this stupid program has cost me my dream. I open the driver’s-side door and my feet find the asphalt. I walk up to the house without thinking about where I’m going. The keys are still in my hands and I slide them into the front door lock. I can’t make myself move any faster. I open the door and walk inside.

Inara greets me right away. “Tony, I’m glad you’re home. Look, I just need to say—”

I hold up a hand. “I don’t think I can talk about this. It’s been a shit day.”

“I just want to say that I’m really sorry.” She keeps going and it takes everything in me not to just turn around and leave through the door I just walked in from. “I should have waited until we got home to talk about the fundraiser. And though I was only trying to help, I understand I overstepped and caused you pain.”

After the meeting with my commanding officer, mentioning the fundraiser is like another defeat slapping me in the face. The empanada-off was such a great experience. I hadn’t cooked those since my mom was around. My chest had ached to share the experience with Inara as soon as she’d mentioned it because I thought it would bring us closer, and it did. After winning and sharing our empanadas with everyone, I was so happy.

Wewere happy. And then Inara had to go and ruin it all.

My legs are heavy, and I have to drag myself down the hallway to the bedroom. Once inside, I bend down and angle my head to see where my duffel bag is beneath the bed. Of course, it’s shoved all the way in the back by the wall, and I have to get on my chest and stretch to reach it.

Inara’s feet are almost silent as she steps into the room. “Look, I am sorry, Tony. What more do you need?”

After pulling my bag out, I stand and turn toward my wife. Her arms are crossed in front of her. A part of me regrets the pain this is clearly causing her, too, and the pain that is yet to come. But my mouth is dry and I don’t even know what to say. Instead, I walk over to the closet and start shoving hangers apart, digging around for the clothes I have to take with me to training.

Inara sits on the bed, just above where my duffel bag is. Instead of acknowledging her, or speaking, I keep focused on packing. I find one of my boots in the bottom of the closet behind all Inara’s bright tennis shoes and high heels. I chuck it over my shoulder toward the bag. I reach for the other one and do the same.

“You’re not going to even look at me, Tony?”

“I’m leaving for training.”

“So, you’re going to leave and not say anything else?”

I grab shirts and throw them into the duffel, not even bothering to fold them, which will cause wrinkles, but at this point I don’t care. I move over to the dresser and start pulling out briefs, socks, shorts, while Inara just stares at me, her lips barely parted.

“I don’t know what to say.” I bend down to add the socks to the bag, then stand up and sigh. I have to tell her about the meeting, but on top of everything else and having to leave, it’s like the weight of giant tires stacked up on my back, like any second they will just topple over.

“Look, I’m out of options. Our fake-turned-real relationship is over.” Not exactly the truth, but she doesn’t need to know they gave the choice to me. Especially since it was a shit choice. I mean, go to counseling and talk about my feelings on the off chance that they’d let me stay in the IPP, while I kiss OCS goodbye? What would be the point? No, better to pack up this charade before anyone gets even more badly hurt.

My heart twists, but I ignore the pain. I bend down and lift the duffel to toss it on the bed next to Inara. The zipper is tiny in my hand and I pull it with as much force as I can without ripping it off. I swing the bag over my shoulder and move toward the living room, my shoes squeaking as I turn out the bedroom door.

Inara follows me and when I get near the couch, darts between me and the door, blocking my path. “Sit down,” she says with so much force, my spine automatically stiffens. “Please,” she adds in a softer tone. “I want to know what happened.”

One glance at her glassy eyes makes me comply. She sits on her knees in front of me and places her hands on my legs, and I can’t look anywhere but at her big brown eyes. Will this be the last time I gaze into them?

“So, what does this mean?” Her lips are tight, and the words come out slow.

“My application to Officer Candidate School has been rejected.” I barely manage to spit out the words. OCS is what I have wanted for years, the big dream I had for myself. I chose to be a SEAL because that’s what seemed right at the time, like something that would pull me out of the pit of depression I’d slipped into. But now I’m ready for more, to be more than just a supporting member of the team. I want to lead and train my fellow SEALS. I’ve been preparing for OCS for years and it was all taken away from me in one afternoon.

“I’m sorry.” Inara rubs my leg with her hand, her lip quivering as she says the words. She didn’t want things to go like this today, but there’s nothing that can be done now.

Not for OCS, or this sham of a marriage.

I grip her hands and lift them off my legs. Her eyes turn downward, and a single tear falls down her cheek. She pulls her hands into her lap and stands, moving away from me. My legs are tense, and I fight the urge to shake them by standing instead. I throw the duffel bag over my shoulder again and walk to the front door. I turn and face Inara one last time before leaving. I take in a deep breath. “You know, I thought we were good, Inara. I really thought we could work as a couple, keep things light and fun. But you had to keep pushing. Put yourself into parts of my life where I didn’t ask you to go.”

Her lip trembles again. “I don’t even understand what that means, Tony, or why you’re acting this way. This is just a misunderstanding. We can work through it.” Simon crawls on the floor near her feet, and she bends down to pick him up.

I choke out a harsh laugh. “Work through it? My entire career just went down the drain, the career that was the only thing making me stick to this marriage in the first place. What is there to work through?”

As I talk, the helpless flood of anger resurfaces, pulsing up through my body and out my mouth. “Look, I tried, Inara. I really did. But you didn’t respect my choices. If I’d wanted you to meet my dad, or make plans with him, or have you anywhere near that part of my life, I would have told you. You have no idea what it’s like to lose a parent, what it does to you. You treated me like a pity case, not a husband—which is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you about my past in the first place.”

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