Page 57 of Matched

As I walk the mile back to my house, my throat tightens as questions continue to bombard my brain. Especially because I don’t know how to answer any of them. With a huff, I open the door to my place, walk in, and head to the bedroom, where I collapse on the bed. Immediately, the sound of a soft scuffle against the wooden floor fills the space, as Simon’s little feet shuffle down the hallway. What an easy life he must have.

I groan and cover my face with a pillow as the ache in my chest ratchets up a notch. I don’t know where we stand. Tony claims signing up for the program—and being matched to me—was the biggest mistake he ever made. No matter what, I don’t feel the same way. I haven’t for a long time now. I can only hope that was just his anger talking.

There’s so much good to Tony. He’s kind, and he’s hilarious and snarky in a way that makes talking to him fun and playful. He’s so helpful, supportive, and willing to learn and grow, both in the bedroom and outside of it.

There’s also a lot that makes being with him so hard—the exact things that just reared their ugly heads at the park. He’s blocked off his family because he is unwilling to work through his pain. And he even shuts me out. But I’ve fallen hard for him, regardless. Even with all the difficult parts, there’s still a list of things we can work through.

But no matter how much I’m willing to try, this relationship could fail, just like all the marriages that failed for my mom. That’s why I try to be open, try to communicate. I try to do things that I know will make Tony happy.

I plop my hands on my face while I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. Truth is, I’ve been working so hard to avoid becoming my mother that I haven’t stopped to think about what I want. I’ve only focused on the things I don’t want. I don’t want a failed marriage. I don’t want to be closed off. I don’t want a husband who is like a roommate. But I’ve gotten it all backward.

I need to focus on what I do want, on what makes me happy. I have been so fixated on not being broken that I haven’t focused on doing what makes me whole. If I spend my life doing things because I’m afraid of failing, then I am not actually living my life at all. I’m just living entirely in fear. And that isn’t okay.

Everything that happened today was because I ignored what my husband needed and focused on what I believed he needed. How can we have a real relationship if I keep thinking about what I should do dictated by a set of rules that has nothing to do with me and Tony as a couple? We are in this together and have to figure it out together. I can show Tony that I can be the wife he wants and, more importantly, I want to be that person to him. But between how hurt he is and his commanding officer witnessing the blowup, I’m not sure if we’ll ever get the chance to make it up to each other.

All I know is that my heart demands I at least try.

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