Page 80 of The Light We Lost

I let out a breath, feeling feverish beneath my skin. This was either going to end brilliantly or terribly. I’d done visualization before, both in therapy and when I’d played baseball, but never like this. Not with the sweetest temptationon my lap. “Alright, try and visualize what it is you want. What you’re trying to carve,” I told her, keeping up the ruse. It was easier this way. “You got it?”

“I think so.”

Her voice shook, and something in me clenched. She was afraid. But there was hope in her voice too. She wanted to be where I was, feel what I felt—she just didn’t know how to get there. How to find her way back to herself. Back to us.

I raised my arm, curling a hand around her hip. “Is it alright if I touch you, Indy?”

I couldn’t see her. But I felt every bit of her as she rasped, “Take what you want, Nolan.” Fire raced through me, and I muttered a low curse. She’d given me permission, and I was done waiting.

Needing more space, I opened my eyes and stood in a rush, and Indy gasped as I lifted her off my lap and onto the edge of the table. I stepped between her legs and closed my eyes again, slipping into a world where only we existed.She’s mine.“Good. Now take that image, that thing you want. And I want you to hold it. Don’t worry about how you’re going to make it, or how you’ll get there.” I set my palms on her thighs, emphasizing my words. “Focus on how it feels . . . Is it smooth? Coarse? How does it make you feel inside?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s alright,” I soothed, hearing the quiet frustration in her voice. “I’ll tell you how it is for me.”

Slowly, I let my hands crawl up her thighs, my calluses snagging on the material of her jeans. “Warm, so warm and intriguing. And strength . . . there’s a lot of strength.” I followed the curve of her waist. “The quiet kind, the kind that withstands and keeps going. It makes me want to keep going too.”

Indy’s fingers brushed the outside of my thigh, and I hissed a breath, clenching my jaw. Her hand trailed upward and around, and I might’ve laughed when she touched my ass if I wasn’t close to coming undone.

“Sturdy.” Her fingers pressed into my back, and I said a silent prayer that she’d leave a mark. “Scary. And when I hold it, I’ve never felt more vulnerable. It makes me feel both strong and weak.” Her breaths were short pants, her ribs risingand falling beneath my hands. “Sometimes it hurts,” she choked. “Sometimes it hurts so bad because when I look at it, it reminds me what’s missing.”

My stomach dropped, and I waited for Indy to let go, to walk away. But her hands were on me. She was holding on. “More than that . . . it makes me feel alive. Makes me want to do things I never thought I would again. Gives me a reason to keep going. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it brings me joy too.”

Our breaths were ragged; I wasn’t sure who was breathing harder. Our hands roamed freely. I couldn’t get enough of her, enough of how she made me feel. What she was to me. She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I bowed over her, my forehead against hers.

“More.” Her voice was hoarse. “You make me want more, Nolan.”

“I know.” I slipped a hand into her hair. If either of us cared we’d dropped the ruse, we didn’t let it be known. “Let me give it to you.”

“Yes.”

Hearing the plea in her tone, I opened my eyes, surprised to find hers open. Her lips were parted, her chest brushing mine with every rising breath, and I was leaning over her like we couldn’t get close enough. Our clothes were still on, but I felt Indy’s touch everywhere, and I knew she felt mine. I didn’t know how long her eyes had been open, but she wasn’t hiding from this. No longer denying what we had, what we could be.

“I want more too.” I slid my nose along her throat. “Will you give it to me?”

Her throat bobbed. “Yes.”

The curve of her lips teased mine, and it was a miracle I didn’t kiss her then. But I’d meant it when I said I wanted more. I needed it. And I needed to know this was more than lust, more than physical need.

I wasn’t just going for one win; I wanted them all.

I must’ve paused too long, as Indy closed the distance, her lips finding mine. I tightened my grip on her hair, letting myself enjoy the taste of her sweet gasps before I pulled back. “Tell me what you are to me,” I whispered before she could reach for me. “Tell me you’re my wife, Indy, and I’ll give you everything.”

Her eyes widened, and I was relieved to see the flicker of annoyance there. It was better than fear. “Just kiss me.”

I wanted to. I wanted to lose myself and find myself in her again. But I wasn’t doing this half-assed. I didn’t want to hear our kiss was a mistake again. And I definitely didn’t want to wake up in the morning and realize I was nothing more than a one-night stand. I wanted her now. I wanted her always.

Even if that always was nothing more than a few more weeks.

“I’m a married man.” I curled my fingers deeper into her hair. “And I’m not kissing anyone but my wife.”

Her arms banded around my neck. “Your poor wife. I bet you drive her crazy.”

I nipped at her ear. “Not half as crazy as she makes me.”

Smiling, Indy ran her fingers through my hair. She was toying with me. Little did she know, I didn’t mind that she wasn’t giving me what I wanted. She was having fun, flirting, teasing me. Touching me.

I was a starving man. I shouldn’t be greedy.

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