Page 57 of Promise Me Never

“Half of these are mine; the other half are Luke’s that he just claims he doesn’t have space for.” She rolls her eyes. “But if he’d take down his shrines to Amy, he would have plenty of space.”

Shrines to Amy?

That must be why he shot down my idea about sneaking out and going to his place at night. Is he not over her? The night he took me into town I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring for the first time since I’ve known him. It must not come off often based on the white ring left in its wake. The tan line was a stark reminder that even if he removed the ring, he’d always feel just as bound to Amy in death as in life.

“Have you seen the inside of his cabin?” Janey asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Oh, no. I haven’t wandered over that way.”

“Well, just as well. When I say it’s a shrine, I mean it. Their wedding photos are still on the wall, and he even keeps her skis propped in the corner of his bedroom. It’s like he enjoys emotionally torturing himself.”

It makes sense why he can’t sleep, surrounding himself with memories like that.

“Why don't we open up one of the albums?” Linda suggests. “I haven’t seen pictures of the two of you as little kids in so long.”

Janey grabs an album off the shelf, and they settle in on either side of me. I don’t know how much time goes by while we look through album after album of happy memories of Janey and Luke. Her first time swinging on her own, with a gap-toothed Luke in the background smiling proudly. Luke standing beside his first truck, Amy tucked protectively under his arm.

She was beautiful and willowy, a model’s type of body. Tall with long, blonde hair and brown eyes. They look so good standing side by side, like a perfect pairing.

“What’s going on here?” Luke’s voice fills the air harshly. “Sunday dinners are forfamily.”

His words hit me like a slap.

“Jesus, Luke, don’t be an asshole.” Janey stands.

I follow suit, and when I turn around, I don’t recognize the man before me. The sharp lines of his face that I could paint in my sleep are now hard and unyielding. There’s a coldness in his eyes I haven’t seen since the first week I was here. My ears ring as we lock eyes, and I see nothing in his but a void of the man I’ve come to know.

My nose stings, and I know if I don’t get away quickly, they’ll see the tears start to fall. As it is I can feel pieces of my chest caving in, one at a time like dominoes. I stumble over the coffee table in my haste to get away. The pain of the impact is nothing compared to the hurt inflicted by just a few words.

“I, I’ll go,” I hate the stammer in my voice. I hate that I look bothered and weak, but I know I have seconds before I lose it. “Sorry.” My eyes dart to Janey’s with apologies and immediately tear up seeing the surprise in her eyes. I give Linda a half hug before practically running out of the house.

I didn’t spare Luke a second glance. I couldn’t. What the fuck was that?

As I start running for my car, I hear him yell my name. The sound of heavy footsteps running after me makes me increase my speed. Just as I pull my door closed, I hear him yell my name again, but I lock it and gun the engine before I even have time to put my seatbelt on.

I send Grandma a text telling her I had to head into Crested Butte for a few things and not to wait up. I hit a scenic pullout and use it as a place to stop and let all my tears out. Surrounded by jagged rock, I let his jagged words cut me open.

* * *

It’s after one in the morning when I get home. I make sure to turn the headlights off as soon as I pull onto the driveway. Luke doesn’t sleep, and I know he can partially see the road from his front porch. Hopefully between the full summer foliage and my lights being off he won’t notice me. That is, if he even cares.

The entire drive up to the city my phone blew up with notifications that I ignored for the most part. I sat in a McDonald’s parking lot and texted Janey that I was fine so she wouldn’t worry and then turned my phone off. I was chased out before I could even get Sunday dinner, so I ordered a large fry and diet coke.

After that I roamed around the downtown shopping area, buying some handmade soap and chocolates. I even hit the dispensary and got myself a few gummies. I walked past an inn which was advertising a vacancy, and the thought of just booking a room for the night seemed so enticing. Then I remembered that I have to be saving as much money as possible.

No one calls out my name as I cross the yard, walking through the grass instead of on the gravel, just in case. I don’t turn any lights on as I walk up to my room. As soon as I close the door behind me, Charlie raises her head, her tail thumping against the wall happily.

I pat my bed in invitation, and she leaps onto the mattress. She licks me, her body vibrating with joy that I’m home. At least someone is happy to see me.

I walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth quickly before tossing on a pair of pajamas. It’s not until I pull the covers back and am assaulted with Luke’s lingering scent on my sheets that I’m hit with the loss. A week of him sleeping and fucking in my bed has left his indelible mark.

I think about the times I would wake up after he’d left to start work and bury my face in the pillow, greedily drinking in the smell of his shampoo. Not tonight, I think to myself as I rip the pillowcases off all the pillows. I grab an old, moth ball smelling and scratchy blanket from the closet and rip the top sheet and duvet off the bed as well.

I had been so excited to see him tonight. Counting down the minutes until he got back. I knew there was a slim chance he’d make it to dinner with Linda and Janey, but had I known how he would react to me being there, I never would have come.

Now I have to avoid him tomorrow at all costs. What he did was hurtful. I don’t want to listen to his explanations. The shitty thing is that I know if he corners me tomorrow with an apology, I’ll end up accepting it. A people pleaser to my core, I can’t hold a grudge. I take everyone’s side but my own. It’s my biggest character flaw and easiest weakness to exploit.

I consider plugging my phone in to charge, but the last thing I want to do is check his text messages. I know he sent some earlier while I was driving, but I know I won’t have the willpower to not read them now. So instead of pulling my phone out, I reach into my purse and pull out the bottle of sleep gummies I bought. Thankfully I had my California fake ID on me.

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