Page 58 of Promise Me Never

Thank you, Amber, for insisting I get one.

Luckily the self-medicating works, and within minutes I’m drifting off to a deep and dreamless sleep.

Twenty-Two

LUKE

* * *

Steam rises in opaque tendrils from the coffee pot as I pour the entirety of its contents into my thermos. I didn’t even squeeze out my usual hour or two of sleep last night. I deserved the night of tossing and turning after I was such an asshole to Eli.

Every time I closed my eyes, I’d see that devastated and shocked look on her face. It guts me to think about it. I set the pot down in the sink and brace my hands on the counter, my head dropped between my shoulders. All it does is remind me of how I fucked her in her grandparents’ kitchen like an animal.

I stand up and scrub my hands over my face. I don’t deserve her. But I fucking want her. Not just want, crave. Every minute I spent with her just fed my growing obsession. A bitter laugh escapes me because it didn’t stop me from being a complete asshole.

Janey and Linda read me up one side and back down the other when I came back in from trying to chase Eli down and apologize. I haven’t gotten a verbal beat down like that in years, since before Mom died. Worse, I think Amy would be disappointed, too.

Seeing Eli sitting in the living room of the house I was going to start a family with Amy in shocked me. Maybe it wouldn’t have if I had known she’d been invited, but we’ll never know because I immediately morphed into the worst version of myself. Especially when I saw the photos they were looking at.

I can’t even look back at those photos; the only ones that I can bear to see are the ones on my walls. Even those hurt, but it’s like a daily dull throb, not the sharp, stabbing pain of memories that were once vivid but now faded like the pages of a book.

I don’t like to share anything about Amy. I hoard the moments and memories, afraid that spreading them amongst more people will filter them out like a diaspora and I’ll have less to cling to. It’s undoubtedly unhealthy.

Ask me if I give a fuck, and the answer is no.

I shake the thoughts from my mind and walk out onto my front porch. I didn’t see her headlights pass over the house last night, but the car is back. Thank fuck.

I tilt the cup to my lips, savoring the burn of the bitter black coffee while I watch the lavender light of dawn crawl up the rocky cliffs surrounding the ranch. A couple of squirrels chase each other up and down the Ponderosa Pines in the front yard. Usually this time of day brings me peace. Today all it brings is unease.

Apologizing has never come naturally to me. Even when I know how wrong I am. That doesn’t matter, though; I have to do it regardless.

An alert from the upper pasture trail cams comes through on my phone. I curse as I open it to a recording of the feed from early this morning. Looks like a mountain lion took down one of the cattle. I’m on my feet just as a text from Paul comes through. He just saw it, too.

I send Colt and Sam a message in the group text letting them know to join us as soon as they get in. By the time I grab my rifle and a couple shovels, Paul is pulling up in the four-wheeler to get up the mountain faster than the horses could take us. Plus the noise of the engine should scare off any predators so we can take care of the carcass.

“Did you see what it was?” I ask as I toss my things in the back and get in beside him.

“No, I barely watched the footage.” He hits the accelerator, and we take off. “Brady told me a few weeks back that his herd took a hit from a cougar.”

Their ranch is just on the other side of the mountain, so it could be the same animal coming for our herd. Either way, we’ll be setting traps at the very least. The trees blur as we drive past at just short of a dangerous speed.

I fight the urge to ask about Eli. I wonder if he saw her this morning. Or if he knows what she did last night. Or how late it was when she came home.

Obviously, I can’t ask him anything about her. It’d be too suspicious since, as far as he knows, we’re barely friendly. I honestly have no idea how he’d react if he knew I spent the better part of the past week buried inside his granddaughter. Would it be enough for him to finally send my ass packing? Or would he be happy? Or at least approve?

We’ll never know because it’s casual. There’s no future for us beyond August when she goes back to school. I couldn’t get behind a long-distance relationship, and she wants to experience college. There’s no future, only the present.

Vultures circle overhead as we draw closer to the pasture. All the cattle are grouped far from the area where what’s left of the calf is located. The metallic scent of blood fills the air as we walk up to the remains. Deep bite marks puncture the neck, definitely a mountain lion by the paw prints on the ground.

“Go check the donkeys and make sure they didn’t put up a fight and get injured,” Paul instructs. “I’ll start digging a hole for this.”

I walk slowly across the field, so I don’t startle the already on edge animals. It wouldn’t be safe for anyone if they started running away from me in fear. I call the donkeys over, hoping they won’t actually be stubborn asses for once. They come to the edge of the herd with their ears pinned back. I’m not in the mood for broken ribs and internal bleeding, so I stop my approach and check them as well as I can from here. There’s no blood or visible scratches on them, so they must be alright.

I walk back to Paul and grab my shovel to help him start digging. The sooner we get everything buried the better. When Sam and Colt make it up to the field, I send them to walk the perimeter and make sure there’s no broken fencing. Even if there’s not, we decided to bring the cattle back down to the ranch for a while. No point in risking the loss of another feeder-calf.

* * *

By the time I make it back down to the ranch, I reek of blood, death, mud, and sweat. I want to seek out Eli, but a shower has to come first. As I reach for the soap, I realize I never put my wedding band back on. The tan line is the only reminder left.

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