Page 99 of The Bonus

“Gabriel, you need to understand, money means nothing to them. They don’t care what your job is or who you are, they just want their dad to love them, they just want a normal dad to love them back. They’re happy now, they aren’t constantly waiting for a visit from their dad because I know that once we tell them, they will be. They will want your attention all the time. Parenthood isn’t a part-time job. If you can’t be an engaged and present father, then for god’s sake for once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away.”

Her silhouette blurs, and I quickly turn toward the door. “I’ll be in touch.”

I walk down the stairs and out to my car.

That is not how I expected that to go. I sit in the car for a moment while I collect my thoughts.

“For once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away.”

She’s right, I really do need to think about this.

I’m being selfish.

On autopilot, I start the car and pull out onto the road. I glance back at the house as it disappears in the rearview mirror.

Fuck.

I didn’t even say goodbye to them.

I lie in the darkness and watch the shadows change on the ceiling.

Sleep…the elusive dream, I’m a walking zombie.

I haven’t slept in days.

Ariana is asleep beside me, oblivious to everything. Physically, I’m here with her, but the rest of me is not, it’s hovering somewhere over Greenville in Maine.

Gracie’s words keep going over and over in my head… For once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away.

I know she’s right. This isn’t about me; this is about my children and what’s best for them, and I know that I have to leave them be. I can’t be who they need, and it kills me.

I work so much that I’m hardly present in my own life. How can I be present for two small children who live on the other side of the country?

I have two choices: stay away and abandon my children but keep Ariana or…start a new way of life that involves living between here and Greenville with my children.

Grace…

One moment I’m thinking with my head and staying away and marrying Ariana.

And then like clockwork, my mind returns to Maine… With her. I see a vision of Lucy and Dominic, dark hair, olive skin.

They look like me.

I imagine them at a school concert with no father there to cheer them on, and it brings me such a deep sense of sadness.

Does it affect them?

Grace says it doesn’t, but it would have to, if not now then down the track most definitely. I know the situation is impossible, Grace won’t move to New York and I can’t leave.

Grace is right and I should stay away.

They won’t care, they never knew me anyway…the thought of that breaks my heart.

I get a lump in my throat at the situation I find myself in. I feel so cheated.

I’m at a cross roads in my life, and whatever road I choose to go down…I will miss something on the other side.

“I don’t give a fuck what he’s asking, pay it. Get me that fucking story,” I snap as I turn the corner in my car. My eyes flick up to Mark, who is following in the car behind me. I’m so wound up that I can’t even sit in the car with him.

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