Page 46 of Lily, Unwritten

I didn’t need food; I had zero appetite, but I did need wine. Serious amounts of wine. I still hadn’t taken my jacket or shoes off so simply turned around and headed straight back out through the front door in the direction of the local shop. I made sure to give my box from the office a good kick in temper as I went.

The winter weather remained cold and bleak, but I put my sunglasses on anyway, not wanting people to see how hollow and red my eyes were. What an absolute mess I was.

I bought two bottles of wine and a pack of pre-mixed gin and tonic cans. That combination probably wouldn’t end well, but I was beyond caring.

I paused outside the shop to check my phone, in the vague hope that someone other than Cassie or my mum actually wanted to speak to me right now. Nope. No messages, no calls, nothing.

However, as I rounded the corner into my street, if I could still call it that, a very familiar car was parked outside.

I attempted to hold the plastic bag close to my side, hoping to stop the bottles clinking together as Lydia stepped out of the car, her face terse as she watched me approach.

“Hi…” I’d say I felt sick, but the nausea was with me constantly, regardless. Any trepidation about receiving a telling off from an angry mother just tumbled into the painful cycle of emotions that swallowed me up on an hourly basis.

“Can we talk?”

A heavy gulp seemed stuck in my throat as I headed up the path, fingers trembling with the key as I slid it into the lock. Lydia took a seat as I flicked the kettle on, hoping that mugs of tea would soothe the situation.

I could barely look at her as I placed the drinks down and took a seat opposite.

“I’ve tried to talk to him, I wanted to meet him, he just won’t have anything to do with me.” I began, my words shaking, my voice alien to me.

“Are you with this Luke?”

“No!” My eyes shot up and met hers. “I don’t want to be, I haven’t spoken to him, I haven’t seen him… This is what I’m trying to get through to Zack, that it’s only him I want.”

“One day, if you’re lucky, you’ll know how devastating it is to see your child in so much pain, and not be able to help them.”

“I love him, Lydia. Please believe me, I never meant to hurt him. I was trying to do the right thing, that’s all.”

“Zack logged into the Uber account. For me, it was proof that Luke returned right to the hotel. But Zack’s mind is in such a dark place, he can’t stop all these little intrusive thoughts that you faked that to cover it up. That you spent the night with him.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t…” I was so cried out that even as I sobbed, it was a dry, painful motion. Even my tear ducts appeared to have given up on me. “I lost my job today, my whole life is a mess, but the only thing I care about is getting Zack back.”

“That’s why I came to talk to you. We both love him, don’t we?”

I nodded, shakily reaching for the tea and raising it to my lips, praying it would soothe just a fraction of my pain. “Tell me what to do…”

“I need you to leave him alone. Every time you text him or reach out, it destroys him inside. I’m worried about him, we all are. I know he’s been sending you unpleasant messages, I’ve told him that’s not acceptable. Please, Lily… Leave my baby boy alone. Let us take care of him.”

At this point it was Lydia who crumbled into tears, and just as I’d thought I was at rock bottom, the entire floor gave way. How low I’d sunk… The people I’d hurt. I was disgusted with myself.

I sat opposite her, frozen. The most natural thing in the world would have been to dash over and wrap her into a hug. But I couldn’t move, her words were pressing on my mind. She wouldn’t have come here like this unless she was desperate.

“I’ll be gone from here in the morning, all my things will be gone. I won’t contact him again, I promise.”

“I wish things had worked out differently.” she said as she stood, wiping her eyes with a tissue pulled clumsily from her handbag. Her tea was untouched as she headed for the front door.

“I hope he finds someone who deserves him,” I managed to utter, my cheeks soaked with my grief.

Lydia took a deep breath, her eyes closed. “Goodbye, Lily.”

She didn’t look back once, just drove away into the night, to Zack, to her baby boy.

I sloshed an overly-generous serving of pinot grigio into a glass as soon as I was inside. Home - except it wasn’t really my home anymore. How horrible that felt. Familiar walls becoming alien. That contented happy feeling replaced by an urge to pack up and go before more of me was consumed by the negativity. I didn’t honestly feel like there was much of me left at that point. Every time I thought I’d gone as low as I could, another depth appeared. I didn’t know how much more I could take.

I spotted an envelope in the inner pocket of my handbag. The document from Margaret’s office. A hot guilt flushed up my body; I shouldn’t have taken it. I put it down on the coffee table and promised myself I would put it back in the post box tomorrow morning when I left.

Except one glass of wine became two, and insatiable curiosity itched at my fingertips. Doing the right thing hadn’t exactly got me very far in the grand scheme of life, had it? I surveyed the envelope, my eyes switched to my phone occasionally in case anyone messaged me – they didn’t.

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