Page 73 of For the Love of Lily

Now, it was Luke making the sacrifice. I wanted to be locked in the temple forever with him, but I knew that would defeat everything he was trying to do for me.

This was it, but it didn’t feel real. I turned my phone off as I finished the last dregs of coffee. Once back in the car, I set the air conditioner to its lowest temperature and blasted it on full, wanting it to sting my face, to focus me.

It seemed like the longest drive home I had ever known, yet at the same time, as Cassie pulled over, I couldn’t remember it. I could see Zack inside through the window, he looked happy. I was numb.

I think I was in a kind of shock. I watched myself from the outside, not present in my own mind. I said goodbye to Cassie, who was watching me, ready to catch me as if I were about to collapse.

I saw myself go into the house, be scooped up in a gigantic hug by Zack and covered in kisses. He wrapped a blanket around me and rubbed my cheeks with a gentle touch, worried by how cold I was. Then I sat on the couch and he brought me coffee, asking if I wanted to talk.

“Zack,” I sighed. “This has been the hardest experience. It’ll be fine, I know it will. I need time to get to grips with what’s in my head. I’m sure you have stuff to work through too?”

“I thought I was never going to see you again.”

“What happened in Iceland-”

“It was nothing,” he cut me off. “Can we leave it behind us? I want to forget all of this.”

I didn’t have words to respond with or thoughts to comfort him with. I rested my head on his chest, feeling his arms wrap around me, knowing he wanted to make it all better. I knew we weren’t really addressing any issues, but I didn’t have the strength.

This wasn’t the same as the chest I rested against last night…

Later still, I watched myself soak in a long bath and go to bed early with a dreadful headache. I noticed how I checked my phone every five minutes, but the message I longed for was never there. I saw myself go to work, hold hands with Zack, eat sandwiches together at lunchtime. I watched life happen around me, not sure I deserved it.

I was very conscious that even after a week, Zack and I did no more than kiss. I couldn’t bring myself to replace Luke as being the last person who touched me that way. That last time we were together…

I turned up at Cassie’s the next weekend, as arranged, still numb and vacant. Guy had taken the girls to the park, Cassie and I sat in the living room. Her eyes were wary. I think she was expecting snot and tears, but I’d retreated into numbness. I think my mind was protecting itself, existing inside an empty shell was easier than living with the pain.

“All your clothes are in the two boxes by the door,” she said softly. “Some from Luke’s and some that you left here.”

“Thank you,” I replied, gulping the hot coffee she had given me. It was too hot to drink, but the distraction of the burning sensation on my lips was helping me. “Can you please do something for me?”

“Of course,” Cassie replied as she squeezed my knee softly.

I pulled two of the memory cards out of my handbag, the third one was hidden at home, at the back of my wardrobe. I didn’t know if I’d ever look at the contents again, but I wanted to know the option was available to me. “Can you please look after one of these forever for me, in case I ever need or want it?” Cassie nodded at me. “The other is for Luke, if he wants it. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t, please don’t tell me either way. Every photo and message of us I have from my phone. I can’t keep them there. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen either so…”

“I can do that,” she said. “Are you OK? I’m worried about you.”

I felt desensitised. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body suffering through the physical motions of this grief but my mind wasn’t in sync with it. I wasn’t sobbing or consciously feeling those tears, I was detached from them. “I don’t know,” I replied. “I’m not bothered about me, to be honest. Is Luke OK?”

“He will be. I’ll make sure.”

“I’m going to go now,” I said as I stood, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. Luke’s house was a few minutes’ walk away. I couldn’t be this close.

“Stay for a while. We can talk, eat full tubs of ice cream, whatever you need,” Cassie offered.

I shook my head and wiped the fresh tears away. “I need to go. I’m taking the clothes to the charity shop on my way back, I can’t take them home.”

“Not the shoes?!”

I looked at Cassie in confusion. “All of it, too many memories.”

“But they’re Gucci!” Cassie looked at me as if this fact would alter my opinion.

“Do you want them? You can have them, just don’t wear them when you’re with me.”

“Yes, you cannot send Gucci to the charity shop!” Cassie smiled, and a little, lonesome light came on inside me.

I smiled back, and she pulled me into a tight hug as I whispered to her, “You need to know, I had a lot of sex wearing those shoes.”

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