Page 65 of For the Love of Lily

I kicked him in the shin, thankful again for the Gucci’s, which seemed to connect nice and hard. “What the fuck was that for?” he cried out, clutching his leg.

“When did I ever give you the impression that I wanted you to kiss me?” I shouted.

“You have been giving me the eyes all night,” he said, standing upright again.

“I have not! I thought you liked talking.”

“Yeah…because talking to girls is my favourite hobby,” he said sarcastically.

He started leaning in towards me again, and I held my hand up to his face. “I can’t believe you. Definitely not happening.” I rushed towards the large doors of the main bar, ordering an Uber as I did. My mouth felt disgusting.

“Unbelievable,” I muttered to myself as I climbed into the car, staying composed all the way back to Cassie’s, before locking myself in the granny flat, feeling more tears springing from my eyes as I realised I’d been an idiot once again. Why was my judgement of people so off? He wasn’t interested in helping me, he just thought I was an opportunity for no-strings sex. I didn’t want meaningless excuses to sleep around. I wanted love, but which was the right love?

After brushing my teeth and swilling the mouthwash multiple times, I felt hygienic again. Cassie had left me a fluffy dressing gown, all parcelled up at the end of the bed like in a posh hotel.

I rubbed my temples and opened the notepad again. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. Thinking about the past hadn’t got me anywhere, I needed to think about the future and what would happen with each of them.

Zack

We could be great together again

Wants a promotion and then we can buy a house together

I think he’d propose soon

Huge wedding, massive family, crazy celebrations

Honeymoon somewhere luxurious and exclusive

He’d want babies straight away – even more reason to keep my eggs to myself!

Life would be full of friends and family and love

Our home would be the center of it all

Luke

Wouldn’t need to forgive anything, jump straight into our ‘real’ relationship

His house already feels like my home

I think he’d propose, but would be low key

Get married on a beach, just us, perhaps not even a legal ceremony but symbolic

Honeymoon would involve travelling

Would he want babies? Would we adopt babies?

Life would be adventure, exploring the unknown

How could you choose between those two equally amazing but utterly different lives? Still, it was progress, vague progress…

A thought occurred to me that maybe a long, late-night phone call would help. A bit like the old days. I didn’t even know if either man would be free. I had started all my lists with Zack first so got cosy in the bed, filled my glass up with water and hoped he’d answer.

He didn’t let me down. “Wasn’t expecting to hear from you, everything OK? It’s late.”

“Yep, all fine,” I replied. “Just wanted to hear your voice. Are you busy?”

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