Page 62 of For the Love of Lily

It was late morning when I awoke. I glanced at my phone, but it seemed everyone thought I needed to be left alone.

Maybe Cassie was trying to sweeten me up - she’d furnished the granny flat with my favourite bubble bath, enough wine to soak my problems up and enough chocolate to rot my teeth. She’d also left beautiful notebooks and pens. Cassie was a big believer that a list could solve anything.

Perhaps if I focused on one of them at a time, some epiphany would come to me? I made a coffee and grabbed a chocolate bar for breakfast, covering the important food groups as I slouched down on the bed.

I creased the sharp edge of a new, blank page and began to write down memories about Zack that made me smile.

Zack

Super patient when we first met

The amazing first kiss at the train station

Falling in love slowly and deeply

The amazing build up to the first time we had sex, in a castle!

I love his family, his sisters feel like my sisters

We live in a beautiful home that we chose together

We have great jobs together

Our eyes are identical, like mirrors to each other

Makes me feel loved and wanted and cherished

This felt like progress, or at least it wasn’t doing any harm. Now onto Luke’s list.

Luke

Literally saved me from the hardest time of my life

The deepest friendship I could hope for

When I did fall for him, it was fast and hard

As was the sex…

He already feels like family

I could do anything, be anyone and he’d support me

Those blue eyes…

Makes me feel strong, indestructible, desirable - like the center of his universe

I looked at the pages side by side, therapeutic perhaps but no nearer a decision.

I was restless. Wandering to the house, I found that Cassie was out. I was alone with my thoughts… I rolled my eyes- fantastic.

And now my mind was empty.

Utterly empty.

I changed into my yoga stuff and leant my phone up against a tree trunk, heading to the YouTube channel of one of my favourite instructors. Figured I may aswell make the most of my empty mind.

Except, every time I moved to a new position and felt a muscle ache or stretch, I thought of Luke and the insanely good things he’d been doing to me.

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