Page 37 of For the Love of Lily

I’d already had too much to drink, but drunk brain was on form. It wanted me to pour another large glass of Pinot Grigio and obsess at Instagram.

Luke’s travel photographs were stunning. The lifestyle worked for him. His blond hair was now longer, and it suited him, brighter against his tanned face. Freckles that were not noticeable before were now sprinkled across his nose.

One particular picture was so good it didn’t look real. Luke was next to a magnificent azure ocean with crashing waves, and I swear his eyes matched the blue of the water to perfection. I shook my head again, trying to chase the thoughts away. What are you doing, Lily? Scrolling back, I saw another of him laughing as he waited at an exotic train station. I knew he would have the crinkled up, sparkly eyes underneath his sunglasses. My breath caught as I looked at his sunglasses and saw the reflection of the person taking the photograph. She seemed as happy as him; long, blonde beach waves in her hair and a wide smile as she held her phone up. I suppose he had time to make up for. He deserved to be happy…

I put the wine down and closed my eyes, searching for the rational part of my brain as a wave of nausea washed over me. Luke was a good person. The best person, he should be enjoying every minute of it. He’d always been there for me, his strong arms giving me the tightest hugs every time I needed them. Not now, though, not tonight, not anymore.

I swiped back to the main page of his Instagram account, the highlights showing that beautiful ocean, those exquisite eyes. My finger moved to the word ‘Message’ almost without thought. I’d liked a few of his photographs over the past weeks and had posted bright and breezy comments, but there hadn’t been any response, and he hadn’t done the same to my own feed. I blamed it on the constant travel, the lack of wi-fi, the time difference, but in my heart, I knew he was trying to get away from me. Sometimes the internet made the world feel too small.

That kiss was everything…

I pressed send then turned off the phone and went to bed, leaving the mess and chaos of the party for the morning. I didn’t look at Zack as my head hit my pillow. The spinning room wasn’t the only sensation making me uneasy.

I awoke to the sound of the shower running. A heavy guilt settled on top of my hangover. Perhaps the best course of action was to keep the phone off and stay busy. Quickly putting on a comfy yoga set while Zack finished in the bathroom, I began to tackle the empty wine bottles, the crushed Dorito’s in the carpet and the mountain of shot and wine glasses waiting to be washed. I sensed Zack enter the kitchen and felt his warm arms wrap around me as he kissed my neck on each side.

“Good morning beautiful,” he murmured. “You’re busy for a girl who drank so much wine last night.”

“Ha!” I laughed. “Says the person who pretty much passed out after every form of shot possible. Did I even see our mums join in at one point?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “I won’t be popular this morning. Was such a good night. You’ve still got loads of presents to open later too. I don’t need presents, I have you, that’s all I need.” He twisted me around to kiss me, and I held my bubbly hands in the air, not wanting to get his clean clothes wet. “I don’t care about the bubbles,” he smiled as he squeezed me, and I let my arms wrap around him. He was so warm from his shower. Everything was fine, everything was perfect. How lucky was I to be in this house, with this man? This would’ve felt impossible twelve months ago.

“I’ll join in the big tidy up, but I can’t function until I’ve been to Costa. Want me to bring you back a Vanilla Latte? Almond Croissant? Or is the hangover so bad we need to go straight to chocolate brownie?” Zack asked.

“You choose,” I replied. “I don’t feel so great. I might nip back to bed for a bit.”

Zack looked at me with concern. “Do you need me to get you anything? Not like you to feel so rough?”

“No, I’m OK,” I replied. “Got enthusiastic with the wine last night. I’ll have a lie down while you are out, and I’ll feel better, I’m sure.”

He pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head, taking a deep breath of me in. “I’m going to walk, so I’ll be about half an hour,” he smiled down at me. “I love you, even if you are rubbish at hangovers.”

I smiled and kissed him on the lips. “Love you too. Bring me something nice.”

I climbed the stairs back to bed as my mind raced. Safely tucked up under the covers, I switched my phone on. Notifications began pinging, messages from party guests home safe, hungover selfies on Insta, tags in many drunken photos from the night before. I couldn’t see the notification I was looking for though. I opened my message to Luke from last night and was almost too fearful to look. There were four little letters under the message - seen. Luke had read the message, and not replied, that told me all I needed to know. Tossing the phone onto the empty pillow next to me, I held my head in my hands. What was I doing? I must be losing my mind because this made no sense at all. I could’ve screamed with frustration at myself.

Ping

I felt sick. I knew that ping. I didn’t want to look at the phone. I couldn’t not look at the phone. Just pick the phone up, woman!

Is something wrong? Are you OK?

I’m fine, promise

Do we need to talk about what you had for tea?

God no, nothing like that. I wanted to let you know, it was on my mind, the kiss …

Why Lily? What’s gone wrong in that perfect world that you and Zack seem to inhabit?

It’s hard to judge a person’s mood from a message, but it seemed as though his anger burned down the phone. I guess he had every right to be mad but then, didn’t I too? How was it my fault my best friend kept his feelings secret from me for so long?

I know you had a housewarming party last night, I’ve seen people’s pictures. Was this message a drunk mistake? Can’t believe you’ve moved in with him already, you know he’s just trying to lock you down?

Please don’t be like this. I miss you. Everyone but you being here last night brought that back to me. I miss you

I have to stop myself from missing you every single day, Lily! I have to force myself to not think about you. To not think about you and him. I’m at the airport, I can’t do this right now

I understand. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, I won’t message again. Safe flight, you look so well and so happy xx

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