Page 36 of For the Love of Lily

I licked my lips without meaning to as I contemplated how to describe it. “It took me by surprise. It was full of love, like I could actually feel the love in it. It was intense, incredibly fucking sexy. It went on a lot longer than a goodbye kiss should have. It was… troubling for many reasons. I feel awful about it when I think of Zack, but I didn’t instigate it. I couldn’t help but respond to it, to him.”

Cassie looked worried. “You couldn’t have figured out you fancied the arse off him before this point?”

“Everyone fancies the arse off him.”

“You know what I mean. Have you spoken since?”

“No, he seems to want to be left alone. I have this amazing opportunity with Zack, who I also fancy the arse off, by the way,” I sighed. “A big part of me doubts that Luke will even come back, so I can’t sit around moping. It was a kiss, just a kiss.”

“Hmm,” she didn’t look convinced. “Let’s look at houses. You’re going to be all posh and Cheshire!” And with that, the sparkle returned to her eyes.

Thirteen

Two months later, I realised that leaving my old life behind wasn’t quite as easy as anticipated. I cried buckets when I handed my resignation in, despite the whole team being so supportive of my decision. I followed Luke’s example and decided against having a leaving do, much to everyone’s disappointment, but with promises of invitations to our housewarming party.

Cassie heaved giant, snotty tears as if the world was ending when she left my flat for the last time, despite me reminding her I was only an hour away and had a spare bedroom for her. I promised her that Zack and I would come and stay soon, and I’d still plague her with messages chronicling my every move.

Standing in the flat on that final Saturday morning, I felt detached from myself. All of my possessions had already gone in a removal van, including the big heart frame, even though I was sure it couldn’t go up in the new house. Zack was there already, at our home. Our home!

I felt out of sorts. One single memory kept flicking back into my mind. Moving in, the last time this flat had been so empty. Newly single, with a restraining order against a narcissistic ex and only Luke to keep me safe. This was meant to be Luke’s flat, but he’d given it up for me, to give me a safe place. I shivered at the thought of what might’ve been without him, and what, perhaps, could have been our future if he’d spoken to me before I met Zack.

“Goodbye…” I whispered to nobody as I closed the door for the last time.

On a crisp, autumnal Friday evening a few short weeks later, Zack and I arrived home from work together. I’d adjusted to this new life quickly, almost as if it had always been this way. I’d settled into work, and the extra responsibility was nice, plus the extra pay of course. The house was looking good, with a splendid mix of my furniture, Zack’s possessions and new items we had bought together in fits of giddy excitement. We’d splashed out on gorgeous, tall bar stools for the kitchen-diner. Whilst one of us cooked, the other would sit and chat and pour the wine. My cosy corner sofa was in the living room, and we’d framed beautiful black and white photographs of us for the wall. Zack had been so right, not having to say goodbye anymore was beautiful.

It was the best time for the housewarming. We bought ridiculous amounts of booze and snacks, acting like giddy kids all day, waiting to show off our happiness to our favourite people. It was going to be a squash, but I didn’t think anybody would care. We’d even invited the neighbours, in case the noise annoyed them.

Everyone who arrived brought more drink and gifts. My heart felt so full of love and happiness it might explode. Both sets of our parents were there, Cassie and Guy, Zack’s sisters, all the bunch from Draper & Hughes and then some of my new work friends, plus Zack’s own best friends who were more and more part of my life.

Zack’s sisters were hilarious. They were all individual characters, and I adored them. Isabelle was the eldest, then Hannah. Zack was the middle child, of course, followed by his baby twin sisters, Leah and Maisie. Isabelle and Hannah had two children each, so I was now an Auntie by default, which I loved! Leah and Maisie were still young and not ready to settle down. From the first time I’d met them all, they’d welcomed me as if I’d always been part of the family. You could tell they all doted on Zack, the only boy of the family, and were made up to see him happy. As I poured drinks for us all, I heard Petra and Fi chatting in the small, back garden over a cigarette.

“Did you see the photos he sent through on Wednesday?” Petra asked Fi.

“I did,” she replied. “It looks stunning. I’ve never seen him so well. Where was it again? Laos? It looked incredible, so did he.” They both laughed, and I rolled my eyes. From that one comment I knew they were talking about Luke.

Luke wandered through my mind on a daily basis. I didn’t think I’d ever stop yearning for that friendship back. Our random Monday night replayed itself often too. It unsettled me because when I’d asked if he was taking me to bed; I meant it, I would’ve done it. I felt like I was slightly insane. I wanted to know what he felt like, tasted like. I shook my head, trying to get the image out of my mind as I continued to listen.

A thought struck me… What if that kiss hadn’t been a goodbye, but an appetizer?

“I wouldn’t blame him if he never came back,” said Fi.

“I thought they’d get together,” Petra sighed. “Anyway, probably not the right time and place to bring that up, is it?”

I wondered what she meant, did she mean me? Did she know what had happened? My thoughts were interrupted as I heard Zack’s booming, drunken laugh alongside my dad’s. They were two of a kind, got on like a house on fire. Every now and then, I would imagine a future where Zack had a matching shed to escape to, just like my Dad. I smiled at the thought and grabbed the drinks, handing them out before heading to Zack for a kiss and a hug.

“I hope you two aren’t laughing about me?” I asked as Zack put his arm around me. My dad looked away as Zack’s hand rubbed over my hip with slow strokes.

“As if,” smiled Zack. “I was preparing your dad for the football rivalry that my dad is going to bring up any minute.”

“Well, as much as I love football talk,” I placed a kiss on Zack’s cheek. “Think I’ll go see your sisters instead.”

The evening was glorious, and everyone seemed to have a great time. Cassie was crying once more when she left, sobbing about how much she missed me. Guy rolled his eyes at me as he put her in the car and said they would see us next weekend. As it grew late and the last guests started to drift home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation I’d heard. Just seeing people from my old life had brought Luke to the front of my mind again, which was crazy when I was celebrating my new life with Zack.

The party had been everything it should have been, joyful and happy and full of promise for the future. The house was perfect, our literal love nest. Well, maybe not perfect right now, covered in empty glasses and crumbs, but that could be fixed. An utterly gorgeous man who adored me was sound asleep upstairs after way too many shots. I’d spent the whole evening surrounded by friends, family and colleagues, all of them celebrating our move and our future. How could the absence of one person hit me so hard?

I knew that Zack felt relief that Luke was gone, and the ‘complication’ wasn’t there for the two of us. I never admitted the way my mind wandered back to happy memories, silly TikToks, movie nights, hikes. The way Luke’s eyes crinkled up when he was laughing with me - always with me, never at me.

It felt like grief in many ways. I’d go to message Luke on my phone and realise I couldn’t, or at least shouldn’t. I’d see a gig advertised and want to invite him. All of me missed him. I thought back to that night in his back garden and what would’ve happened if he’d taken me up on the offer.

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