Page 33 of For the Love of Lily

“Whatever happened, whatever it is… the two of you will come around to where you’re meant to be, I’m sure. Life isn’t simple, and people aren’t simple. Just trust in the fact that if something is meant to be, it will be. When it’s ready.”

I fled to the sanctuary of my flat. Hiding myself under the duvet seemed the only option.

A little while later I heard knocks at the door. Zack! I sat bolt upright. With all my upset I had forgotten it was Friday evening. I couldn’t let him know that I’d forgotten he was on his way over. I also couldn’t hide how upset I was. I was going to have to brave this, not mention that kiss until I understood it myself. I didn’t always feel like I understood myself at all where Luke was concerned.

I opened the door a crack, checking it was him. A small part of me thought maybe Luke had come rushing back. A wish…

When Zack saw me, his face dropped, and he pushed the door open wide. He enveloped me in a huge hug, which only made more and more tears fall. He helped me over to the couch and held me as I sobbed. My tears left wet marks on his soft t-shirt. “Was it that bad? Did he do something? Say something?”

I shook my head. “No… he just told me to be safe and be happy,” I shrugged, gulping down the lie. “It’s not nice saying goodbye to a friend, knowing you’re the one who forced them away.”

“You can’t blame yourself for this. You didn’t do anything wrong, you can’t be responsible for what other people feel and do. Don’t let him guilt trip you out of living your life, please, Lily.” He kissed me on the lips as I took deep breaths.

“I just… I literally don’t know if I’d be here today without Luke,” I sighed.

“What do you mean?” Zack looked concerned as he stroked my damp cheek and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I blew out a long, anxious breath. “I need you to understand why I’m so devastated Luke is gone. I don’t talk about this, ever. I told you about the cheating, the way my ex wouldn’t leave me alone. It got worse than that.”

Zack took hold of my hand. “You can tell me anything. If you want to. It’s your choice.”

“When I discovered what he’d done, I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to admit the vastness of it to my parents. I told them the bare basics. They’d booked this amazing three-week long cruise which they wanted to cancel, but I didn’t want them to miss out. I lived alone in a flat in a student building then, but it was summer, so it was deserted. Cassie was heavily pregnant and poorly. I’d lost loads of friends and my boyfriend, so I was about as alone as I could be.”

Zack handed me a bottle of water from the coffee table and watched me with concern as I took a drink and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

“Once I’d found out what he’d done, I dumped him. There was screaming and arguing, of course, but we didn’t live together, so other than maybe an awkward encounter if we bumped into each other, I didn’t expect to deal with him again. It started with messages, one after another. First apologising, then demanding I talk to him, and then when I still didn’t reply, calling me every name under the sun. Then it progressed to phone calls. The phone would ring and ring, so I ended up keeping my mobile off - which isolated me more. He rang work too. I was so scared of getting in trouble, so I didn’t tell anyone there.”

“I’m so sorry, Lily.” Zack looked so concerned, which pained my already cracked heart.

“One day on the walk to work, I could sense someone behind me, not super close but I could tell they were there. I looked back but couldn’t see anything. I checked again as I arrived at work, and he was standing there, unashamedly staring at me. It happened again after work. I ran most of the way home and locked myself in. I pressed a chair up against the door. I was so scared, and when I summoned up the courage to look out the window, he was over the road, watching me. It carried on, not every day, but most days.”

“A short while later, everyone else left work as normal, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I sat in the staff room and cried. I knew that when I went home, he’d follow me again. I didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to. Luke had been working there a few weeks, I barely knew him. I hadn’t even realised he was still in his office. He found me. Just having someone ask me what was wrong, sort of broke a dam. I ended up telling him everything. He was… incredible.”

“Luke drove me to my mum and dad’s place and stayed there with me. The next day, he started all the restraining order stuff and never charged me a penny for it. We went to the police together and reported everything. After about a week of Luke staying at my parents with me, I felt brave enough to go back to my flat. Hoping the police and the legal action would’ve scared him off, it had been a lot quieter.”

I took another drink, almost spilling the water due to my trembling hands.

“Luke was worried about it, but I was sure it was fine. He went out and got me a new phone so that even if I had to turn my old one off, I could still be in contact with him on a different number. I gave him a spare key to my flat. He made me feel safe. Luke came up with this system where he told me what he was having for tea.”

I smiled as I looked towards Zack, whether to reassure him, or me, I wasn’t sure. “Then he’d message me later in the evening to make sure I was OK. If he’d told me at work that he was having cottage pie, for example, I’d reply to his text and say, ‘How was the cottage pie?’ If I didn’t reply, or replied differently, he’d know I needed him. Like a code word that would change each day, so Luke knew I was safe. I got back to the flat, and everything seemed fine. The front door locked from the inside, so I left my key in the lock as normal. I’m sorry, this is the most convoluted story.”

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t you ever apologise for this. Take your time.” He pressed another velvet soft kiss onto my forehead as I continued.

“I’d glanced in each room when I got back, but it never occurred to me to check further than that. I went into my bedroom to get changed, and when I came back out, he was on the couch. He must’ve hidden. I didn’t even know he had a key. I looked at the front door, but my key was gone, so I knew I couldn’t open it. He was looking through my phone. He said that if I’d slept with someone that cancelled out what he’d done, therefore, we could get back together. He was calm. It was so eerie. To have been in love with a person, then feel scared to be alone with them. To feel like you don’t know them at all. Luke messaged me, as arranged, and when my ex saw the message, he got crazy mad. I felt like the only way to calm him down was to agree with him. So, I apologised, which made me feel disgusting. I said that of course I could forgive him, and we could get back together. I just wanted him to stop shouting, Zack.”

“I understand. You did what you needed to do to stay safe.”

“I was extra scared because the neighbouring flats were empty, nobody could hear what was happening. He went to kiss me, and I froze. I thought I could act, but I couldn’t do it. Then things got scary. He started screaming at me, his eyes all crazed. He pushed me over and I cut my head on the table, but he didn’t seem bothered. He grabbed at my arms and pinned me down, and to this day I don’t know what he was going to do, but I have horrible suspicions.”

“With all the chaos, neither of us had heard the door open. Before I knew what was happening, Luke grabbed him. They started to fight. Luke easily overpowered him, he was a scrawny little shit,” I laughed, but with no mirth.

“Luke punched him in the face, hard, and told me to go in the bathroom. I could hear Luke’s voice as he pinned him down, but he’s never told me exactly what was said. After about fifteen minutes, Luke knocked and told me to come out, he was gone.” I shivered. Almost done, Lily.

“Luke took me to a hotel. He stayed with me, making endless cups of tea. He told me that he was due to move into the flat above the office that weekend, but he wanted me to move there instead. It was safe. It had alarms and security cameras, and two front doors with solid locks. Then, even after I did move in, Luke slept on the couch whenever I felt jumpy. So basically, because of me not answering that silly ‘what did you have for tea?’ message, Luke knew I needed help. Without him turning up at my flat, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.”

“Lily,” Zack hugged me tighter than I’d ever known. “You kind of breezed over it when you first told me. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“I hate talking about it. I never even say his name. I didn’t want you to think of me differently, to feel like you couldn’t act normal around me. I know not everyone is like him.”

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