Page 27 of For the Love of Lily

Zack looked a little shaken. I moved to the seat next to him. “I only want you,” I kissed him. “Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad at you. It’s not your fault. I did feel there was something weird that night we went out. I was envious of the way he was with you, making it obvious he knew you so well and bringing up all your happy memories,” he blew out a long breath. “Are you one hundred per cent sure that this is what you want?”

“One hundred per cent, Zack.”

“I can’t say it’s my perfect scenario that you work with him five days a week, but I trust you. I love you. Promise me you will tell me if anything else happens, or if he starts being weird or bothering you?”

“I promise. I love you, Zack.” I meant it wholeheartedly.

From there we tumbled wholeheartedly into a serious relationship. Spring blossomed into a beautiful summer of long days and warm nights. Zack and I were together every weekend, and I ended up changing my working hours so I had Wednesdays off because frankly, the week felt too long without each other. One of those nights, Zack had urgent work to finish and was tapping away on his laptop in bed. I lay next to him, my head rested against his side as I read my book. We were both so quiet, doing separate things yet completely together. It made my heart swell that we felt this good.

We spent time with friends, we met each other’s families, and I found myself with four amazing new friends in his sisters. It was like a honeymoon period. We still couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It felt like I’d been having sex all wrong in the past because it had never been anything like this. My mind was blown. Cassie and Luke continued to be close, and I know it made it difficult for her that our friendships had segregated, but we rarely spoke of it. I don’t think any of us could see a solution. Life had just changed.

My mind was about to get even more confused. At the staff meeting one Friday, Luke announced that he had arranged with the partners to take a twelve-month career break to go backpacking around the world. Everyone was so excited for him, telling him about Vietnam, Malaysia and a multitude of places to visit. The excitement was a blessing for me, it allowed me to stay in the background. Luke’s eyes met mine as Petra told him a horror story about her neighbour’s nephew in a youth hostel. I tried to smile, but I wanted to cry. I knew he loved to travel, but he also loved his career. Was he only going to get away from me? Or did I think too much of myself?

As I locked up the office that night, I heard Luke finishing his phone call to a client. I knocked on his door, opened it cautiously and saw his expectant face glance up at me.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Luke replied.

Silence ticked by.

“Did you need me?” he asked.

“I wanted to say the travelling sounds amazing. I bet you’ll have the time of your life.” I bit the inside of my lip hard, wanting to distract myself from the tears that threatened to appear.

He shrugged. His eyes barely met mine. “Seemed like a good time to go explore what the world has for me. Anyway, I need to go, sorry.”

He stood and brushed past me to get out the door. No amount of lip biting was going to stop the onslaught of tears now.

“You don’t have to hate me, Luke. I can’t bear you hating me,” I sobbed, taking giant, ugly gulps of air.

Luke sighed and tilted his head back, before placing his hand on my shoulder. “I could never hate you. I just can’t do this. I see how happy you are with Zack, and I’m glad it’s working for you, but I don’t want a ringside seat, it’s destroying me. I’d love to think we can be friends again one day, but that won’t happen when I do this every day,” he gestured at me in his office. “I could never hate you. If you had any idea the depth of love I have for you, you wouldn’t even think that.”

“I miss you so much, Luke. Can we go for a drink one night? Try to be friends again? That can’t all be gone, surely?”

So many emotions flashed through his eyes as he looked at me. I wanted to reach out and help him through this, but I couldn’t. He’d changed from being the ultimate happy-go-lucky guy to carrying a sadness with him. “Maybe next week. I’ll think about it over the weekend, Lily. Have a good one.”

He walked away as I tried to pull myself together. I was selfish. What right did I have to be crying when he was the one so hurt, so rejected? I hated myself in that instant.

Upstairs, I climbed into the hottest shower I could handle, trying to singe away the tears, tension, and distaste at myself. I jumped into yoga pants and a long sheer top, before I heard an enthusiastic knocking on the door.

I loved opening the door to Zack on a Friday evening, it was like letting a bundle of energy, enthusiasm and love into my home for the weekend. He wrapped his arms around me and planted kisses all over my face, making me laugh. “It’s been so long since Wednesday,” he complained dramatically, running my damp hair between his fingers. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I noticed the shopping bag full of wine and treats for a weekend of romantic hibernation indoors. For once, we had no plans this weekend and the two of us alone sounded like heaven.

Zack grabbed me and pushed me towards the large corner section of the couch. “I mean it,” he whispered to me. “Wednesday was so, so long ago. I have withdrawal.” He was on top of me, kissing me in ways that made my head spin. His hands tickled my stomach as he tugging my pants down, I reached for him to do the same. His strong hands pulled me up by my wrists, kisses trailing down my side as he stopped and bit at the fleshy part of my hip just a tiny bit harder than normal, leaving a beautiful tinge of pain. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, as he needily pushed my legs apart.

I closed my eyes and let out a deep, long breath, I knew where this was going. Did I mention that I loved Fridays?!

We lay on the couch together afterwards, warm and naked. “Just imagine,” Zack pulled a warm throw over us both. “If you hadn’t said yes to that coffee, we could’ve missed all of this.” He kissed the top of my head.

Instantly, images flew through my mind of what life would be like if I hadn’t said yes to the coffee. In the blink of an eye, I imagined Luke coming back from Uganda and confessing his love to me. I imagined us becoming a couple. I imagined what had just happened on this couch but looking down and seeing Luke’s blond hair between my legs. I imagined his bright, blue eyes looking into my own as he moved up my body to kiss me. I wondered what his skin would smell like, feel like. I bet he tastes amazing…

I sprang back to reality as Zack clicked his fingers. “Hello… Sleepy head?” he laughed. “You still with me?”

I blushed and shook my head to clear the images. “Sorry! Long week,” I smiled as I stood up. “Do you mind if I go sort my hair out? Then we can get food?”

“Sure.” He stretched and yawned, happily. “You look gorgeous as you are, though.”

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