Page 47 of For the Love of Lily

The colour drained from his face, his eyes wide. “What do you mean? What have you done?”

“You remember not long after we met. When Luke told me that he loved me. I told him I wanted to be with you.” I couldn’t meet his eyes as I spoke.

Zack stood up. “Fucking Luke, I’m sick of hearing his name. Did he upset you? This is going too far. I’ll sort it out, I’ll-”

“Zack, stop,” I pleaded. “He turned up at Cassie’s the other night.”

His eyes flashed with rage. “Why would you not tell me that?”

“I’m telling you now. I should’ve said before, but I knew you’d react like this.”

“How do you expect me to react?” he shouted. I needed to diffuse his anger, but there was no way. “So, come on then, what did you two besties get up to?”

“It’s not simple, Zack. When he told me how he felt and I chose you… I don’t regret that because I love you so much. I love our life here together,” I said.

“So, what’s the problem?” he demanded.

Nausea was bubbling within me, but this needed to be said. “I think I love him too.” Zack stared me down. I couldn’t judge what was going through his mind.

“Love him like your best friend, which I’d expect, or you are in love with him?”

I spoke quietly, my eyes trained on the floor. “I think I’m in love with him.”

“You told me you were in love with me.” The quiver in his voice was tearing me apart.

“I am. I am in love with you. I adore you. I feel the same about both of you, and it’s so hard, Zack,” I began to cry again.

“Are you expecting sympathy here? I don’t even understand what this is. Are you breaking up with me?” He sat down, his head in his hands. I reached for him, but he shrugged me away. Anger emanated from his whole being.

“No, Zack, no. I love you. I don’t want to split up. I need you to try to understand how I feel.”

“I don’t understand, Lily,” he bawled at me. “You love me, but you love him, but you don’t want to break up? That makes no sense. And you haven’t answered the question about what you got up to?” He turned away from me, obviously dreading the answer.

I took a deep breath. “We kissed, and it was then I realised…” My words were cut off as Zack swept the two plates off the breakfast bar. I watched them spin and smash into pieces on the floor, like they represented my life falling apart right now.

“Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?” Zack demanded as his fist banged down on the worktop.

“Zack, I-”

“Did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?” Zack repeated himself, his tone angry and insistent.

“He kissed me,” I looked down in shame. “I’m so sorry.” Zack had tears in his eyes.

“He always manipulates you. Why can’t you see it? Not anymore though. You’re not seeing him again, Lily. I’m going to go see him. He can’t just turn up and kiss you and expect you to drop your whole fucking life and run to him. He only wants you because he didn’t get his own way.”

“That’s charming. You think nobody would want me just for being me?” I screamed back.

“That’s not what I said, for fuck’s sake. Don’t have a go at me when you’re the one kissing other people.” He glared at me.

“Also, you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do. You can’t ban me from seeing my friend!”

“Actually, when that friend is trying to fuck my girlfriend, I think I can. Screw this, I need some air.” He grabbed his phone as he stormed away from the house, slamming the door so hard the walls shook. The car seemed too noisy, too furious, as he revved the engine and sped away.

I threw a cup down with the smashed plates and screamed. I was so mad. But also… so messed up. What the hell was I doing?

Seventeen

It’s scary how long the night-time hours feel when you’re alone and your mind refuses to shut down. Zack hadn’t come home and his phone was turned off. I’d given up on even trying to sleep, spending the time examining every inch of our bedroom ceiling. Remembering an impossible number of nights in here with Zack, then remembering every touch Luke had placed on me. Was Zack asleep somewhere? Drunk somewhere? Just thinking of him caused my insides to twist up in pain. Was he out shagging a random girl to teach me a lesson? Was he throwing himself off a bridge? I had no idea.

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