Page 13 of Broken Bonds

I’m not even sure what to think.

I collapse into the chair, my eyes fixated on the small coffee table in front of me. A lone coin glints and beckons to me. A dime. A symbol of duality and uncertainty. I snatch it up eagerly, fingers trembling as I spin it between them, lost in contemplation. The coin represents both sides of every story, and I am desperate to uncover the truth despite the looming doubts and unanswered questions. But deep down, I fear that once I do find out, everything will come crashing down like a fragile house of cards.

Chapter 6

“There are many things I’ve never told you,” I whisper, taking one of his hands between mine. One of my fingers tracing the line of his tattoo. This is the only consolation I find these days, knowing he’s here, fighting. The smell of alcohol and disinfectant in this place is starting to make me dizzy.

The doctor told us they’re reducing his medication, so we are just waiting for Lionel to decide to wake up. “Although I tried many times, our time together has always been so short. I’d rather not spoil our little time together with arguments. I know you and I’m certainly aware of how you’re going to react.”

As I sit beside his hospital bed, I try to fill the silence with silly stories and jokes. But today, something inside me is nagging to be said. The truth that I’ve been keeping locked away, too afraid to speak out loud. My mother has warned me, and deep down I know it’s true. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling of my own dreams tugging at my mind. It’s a constant battle between what others say and what my heart desires. And though I often find myself laughed at for my ambitions, they always resurface, begging to be fulfilled.

“I haven’t bought the study guide, but I want to, Lionel,” I continue with my story. “I want to go to college and learn new things to grow my business. You’ve told me many times the information is available for free on the internet. But I long for more. I want to live the complete experience. I know you have your vineyard dream, but that’s your dream, not mine. And I feel like I can’t live on borrowed goals my whole life. In the end, I would end up miserable. What’s wrong with not settling? What’s wrong with wanting everything? I’m not going to live halfway.”

In response, I hear the sound of his breathing, and the heart monitor beeps. I want to listen to his voice again, saying that he loves me while his strong arms are around me, holding me tight.

Lionel’s a young man, his life can’t end here. I refuse to believe it.

Don’t think about it, Stella, he’s recovering.

I know it’s selfish to think about myself now, but I even miss our fights. The warmth of his smile, our late-night phone calls when I was in bed already.

I take a deep breath before continuing to speak—I need to. I hope he’s listening to me, that he will think about it and decide to support me.

“As you know, I enjoy beekeeping, taking care of them, but I also want something else. I’ve read a lot about the growth of the organic industry, and I want to expand my business. Maybe one day I can leave the stand. I’ll continue helping my mother, of course. But not having to depend on the weather, tourism, or the season. I want more than just staying home and waiting for you to come back. You know I want a family, but I want to be more than a housewife.”

I caress his hand, carefully touching his fingers, the place where his wedding band should be, but now it’s missing.

“Someday, we will have children, and I will love them with all my heart, Lionel,” I say as a tear rolls down my cheek. He has been insistent about getting me pregnant, but I know there is more. And I want to experience it myself. “But why not give us a chance to be just you and me? Look what happened, I know very little about you. When they said you were here in Los Angeles everything became foggy. You can’t imagine what went through my mind when I saw on the news that you’re a tycoon.”

At this point, I can no longer stop the waterworks.

“Why did you lie, love? I would have fallen in love with you anyway. You made it easy for me, remember? There are so many questions I want to ask you, but as you can see, my mind continues to wander.”

I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands in a vain attempt to compose myself, but it’s pointless.

“Please, wake up. We’ll sort this mess out together but to do that you have to heal, babe, please.”

I hear someone clear her throat, I look up to see the slender figure of Alexandra, who looks at me with eyes full of tears.

“Sorry,” is the first thing that comes out of my lips.

She opens her mouth but seems to change her mind about what she was going to say.

“Johanna is outside waiting to see Lionel,” she tells me, and I reply with a nod. “Ethan is here too. He wants to speak with you for a moment.”

I get up and go to the door where I find Lionel’s mother, dressed in navy pants, a white and blue gingham shirt, and a long light blue cardigan. She looks like she just walked off the pages of a fashion magazine. The woman exudes sophistication, although I bet this is one of her most informal outfits.

Alexandra leads me by the arm toward a corner, where Ethan is waiting.

“Ethan has arranged for you to take a shower and get some rest,” she tells me while they both stare at me.

I almost feel like I’m being judged by my appearance.

“I don’t want to go anywhere. What if he wakes up and I’m not next to him?” I counter.

My willpower keeps me in place, I’ll be in this hospital until my husband leaves.

And when that happens, we will do it together.

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