Page 51 of Beyond our Forever

In the end neither of them could resist the charm of their new baby sister, and a few hours later, the two of them had given her a million kisses, unable to keep their hands off her. We almost had to tear her away so she could sleep for a while.

Kids!

Now that we had three, we decided to close up shop with regards to baby business, although it was hard to convince Bruce, who argued that we had plenty of room along with plenty of love.

“Then find someone else for the job,” I argued exasperated, my husband could be very frustrating.

And he still is. Stubborn as a mule.

“I’m only interested in the children I can have with you,” he sighed, and with that the discussion ended in my favor.

???

Time waits for no one, it never stops its pace, it implacably marks every second and each one counts. I was the mother of three precious children, the wife of the increasingly renowned architect Bruce Leighton. The owner of a perfect house in which everything worked with the precision of a Swiss watch.

However, I felt increasingly hollow and empty.

I was finding it harder and harder to find myself.

And finding time to be alone with Bruce was an impossible mission. Talk, yes we talked, about the children, the school, the check-up appointments with the pediatrician and the dentist, about the next vacation to Disneyland, about the upcoming payments. We didn’t even fight, unless it was for the remote.

So what the hell was happening to me?

What the hell was happening to us?

One night in particular, something hit me especially hard, and sucked all the air out of me.

Bruce and the boys had gone out to the store to buy some goodies that the three of them wanted. Ava and I stayed at home, getting dinner ready. Time passed, the food got cold, and no sign of them.

After seeing my girl yawning for half an hour or so, I helped her bathe and put on her pajamas, following the usual nighttime routine. Ava fell asleep, and they still hadn’t come back. Where the hell had they gone?

Around ten o’clock they came in as if nothing had happened, as if we had not been home waiting for their return, without even having the consideration of calling to tell me what was going on.

“Dinner is in the oven,” I informed them, knowing they’d be unable to go to sleep on an empty stomach.

“We already dined at St. Elmo,” Noah answered happily.

“You dined at St. Elmo’s?” My amazement grew, or rather, my outrage.

“Dad said we should hang out together,” he added with a shrug, as if it was nothing important.

Hang out together.

And when would he find the time to hang out with his wife? Adult time!

I was obviously far too inconsequential, so just leave me in the house where I belonged.

I was unable to say another word, silently swallowing the lump of tears that tightened my throat, so I went and took a long shower where I could cry silently.

There I could try to compose myself, to once again raise my defenses, to cover that hollowness inside me with the heavy mask of feigned happiness.

Maybe I feel so empty because I pawned my soul for everything I used to love…

I had bet everything and nothing had turned out as expected.

???

“Last night we even got undressed, Emilia,” I complained to my friend, the guardian of my secrets and frustrations. “Until Ava came in and ended up sleeping with us, hanging on her father’s neck. Between the two of them, they virtually pushed me out of bed, so I gave up and went to sleep in the guest room.”

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