Page 40 of Rainstorm

Not one single thing in my entire life.

The pain is excruciating.

I need to keep the tears at bay.

I need to be able to breathe again.

I need my heart to stop bleeding long enough to allow the healing process to begin.

I have to ignore the relentless pain that threatens to crease me up into a tiny shrunken version of my previous self. I cannot allow myself to succumb to the black hole my life has become.

I have to keep going and make the most of this precious gift they call life.

Because like it or not, I’m still here, filling my lungs with air, even if I can’t breathe properly. I want to be able to feel the oxygen that fuels me.

Twenty minutes later, I’m still stuck in front of the mirror, staring at my left hand, where I’m still wearing the rings that symbolized our bond.

Our marriage.

Our forever.

So many memories to be buried.

Oh God. How can I go on?

“Come on, hurry up! They’re waiting for us,” Ariel’s voice calls from the other side of the door, jolting me out of my pity party.

But the sparkling diamond in my ring stops me in my tracks. So pure, so beautiful.

I have to get it off. I can’t bear looking at it.

The damn thing is laughing at me. The delicate gold band that was supposed to symbolize eternity mocks at my pain.

“I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you.” His voice resounds in my head.

Lies! You fucking liar, Holland.

I need to take if off. I have to.

But the frustrating part is I can’t. The band won’t shift, not even a fraction.

“...and with all that I am and all that I have, I honor you...”

Frantic now, I turn on the faucet, wetting my hands and trying again.

I’m breathless and agitated as my gaze blurs as the painful memories come flooding back.

“Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side and that I will always be a faithful partner to you.”

I want to scream but no sound leaves my mouth.

Soaping my fingers, I try again.

And again.

And again.

And nothing happens.

---