Page 30 of Rainstorm

I trusted. I gave all of myself. I invested the most valuable thing I had.

My entire soul.

No, it wasn’t an investment.

It was a bet.

And I’ve lost the bet.

Now I’m feeling like a big loser, a big failure. I’m defeated. I’ve lost the battle.

Leaving everything I had behind the closed door of my house. Bringing with me a suitcase full of nothing. Not a single thing in there is important. Just material goods. All irrelevant, replaceable. I could live without every single element in there.

What is the point of all these possessions, when the only thing I truly want, the only thing that can erase this pain, remains behind that door and does nothing to stop me leaving?

Divorce.

A word with the strength to break promises.

The capability to annihilate dreams.

The power to steal the air I breathe.

I have often heard people say that calm comes after the storm.

But, how do you survive while the wind parches your skin?

While you are there waiting in silence for the water to reach past your neck and drown you?

You own the sunshine, I used to say.

And everything changed when I found my sky reflected in the blue eyes of the man I fell in love with.

I built my home on the clouds. Foolishly trusting love would be enough to keep my world floating, flying. Our hearts soaring.

I set my life around him. Gravitating to him. He was the planet I orbited around. Now, I’m being pushed toward an immense black hole, and it’s sucking me in. Sending me to another dimension.

To a reality I didn’t believe existed. I still don’t want to believe it.

I want my life back.

What am I going to do with my life when I can’t even find the damn keys of my car in this stupid purse? My hands are trembling so hard that I can’t even undo the zipper to find them.

I’m lost in a whirlwind, a storm of questions.

Questions I don’t have the answers to.

Why has he changed this way?

What happened?

What did I do?

What didn’t I do?

Where did I go wrong?

Where did I fail so badly?

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