Page 31 of Rainstorm

Was it because I’ve changed?

But he has changed too.

And these feelings, the total and utter confusion, just keeps growing. Because all around me was perfection. Utter perfection. We had it all— didn’t we?

And he got tired of that?

He got bored living in our little bubble?

Or it was the prospect of having children that freaked him out? Damn it. He said he wanted to be a father. He said he was ready for the responsibility.

He said he wanted to see our kid growing inside me.

Was that all bullshit?

Just a few hours ago I thought our situation had a solution.

I thought I had everything and at that point I still did.

Until that word ended my world.

Divorce.

I’ve been living a fantasy. A stupid childish fantasy.

I don’t want to feel this pain.

I can’t handle it, it’s too much.

Shattering me.

Destroying me.

Damn Chase.

Until death tears us apart... what a lie!

I remain frozen by the car, unable to move, crying a storm, my heart torn and my head full of questions tormenting me.

I have no idea what my next step is going to be. But I do know that I need to focus and pull myself together, even if I don’t know where I’m going once I leave this parking lot. Maybe I should have accepted Chase’s offer to stay at the townhome, but I just couldn’t. I don’t think my heart could have handled that. Being at that house, spending my day being ghosted by what we had together would kill me.

A slow and painful death.

Is there any escape from this?

It would have been like living with a stake piercing my body. A bleeding wound, a constant dagger in my side not ever letting the pain recede, torturing and tormenting me.

Although I did not have any say in this break up, I will from now on. The days when I let my husband do everything for me are over.

No more.

It’s time for me to take control of my destiny.

But that is easier said than done.

Should I go to a hotel? Or should I call my parents and go back to Los Angeles to stay with them?

But I just can’t.

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