Page 72 of Four Times Forever

"Rightly so. Because of what I did," I interjected.

"I know," she nodded.

"Is that why you tried to put me and Matt together?" I asked.

She flushed. "Partly."

Our eyes met and my heart stopped. I wanted to ask her more. Find out if the other part of her request was out of the need for my body on top of hers, inside of her, because she missed me as much as I missed her. The game before, teasing her, attempting to drive her nuts until she begged me to fuck her, it was asinine. I deserved to be tormented by desire, driven mad by need, as punishment for my actions. Not her. Still, the thought that she might have been missing me that much, to invite me over, was getting me all hot again.

Listen to me. Was there a bigger narcissist alive? It was all a matter of mood and her having her fun. Nothing more.

"Did it work?" She smiled.

"My head is a clusterfuck of madness around you, Lily."

We both spoke at once.

"Uh, um." I cleared my throat. "Did it work? That's still to be seen, I guess."

"I should probably go." She struck a thumb out over her shoulder.

"Yeah." I nodded, before making another foolish decision. "Lily?"

She groaned. "Yes, Ryan?"

"For what it's worth...even if it doesn't mean anything..." I fought with the voice in my head telling me to respect her boundaries and not complicate things anymore, but damn it, this was the longest we'd spoken in so long and there was this distance between us that was wider than it was before. And I was terrified it would never be resolved.

"I know what I did might say otherwise, but you are the reason why I haven't given up on trying to be better, despite being tortured by my mind, day in and day out. You're the one I think about every second of every day and beat myself up for being such a fuck up because losing you was my biggest fear and I've committed the ultimate cr...ime." I gasped at the word choice and how eager I was to confess to her what I'd done and see whether or not it would be added to my list of unforgivable sins. I already knew the answer.

"I've committed the ultimate crime," I repeated and she stared at me in silence. "I've lost you. And I'm not telling you this so I can guilt you into taking me back. I'm telling you this, because despite the outcome of everything that I've done and how much I've royally fucked up, I love you. There won't be a day, a single second in the rest of my life, where I'll ever stop loving you."

We both took a breath.

"Your love. I'm not aiming to win you back, like you're the prize at the end of a cheap game. If there's a chance for me to earn your love back..."

She started walking toward me and I lost my ability to think, much less speak.

Lily

What was I doing? I shouldn't have come out here. Me and my idiotic ass wanted to see how he was doing, because I missed him. I should have asked one of the guys to bring him the blanket, which was what I'd been doing as of late. Asking them to do most of the talking for me, to avoid forgiving him as easily, letting him off the hook. Looking into his hazel eyes and melting without any effort on his part.

But tonight, he looked like Ryan. I'm not sure how to explain it.

He was a tortured Ryan, sure. But not the stinking drunk, unable to stand straight, vomit breath, ticking time bomb Ryan that had taken the place of the man I loved in the past several weeks.

We should have never kissed. If I had any sense at all, I wouldn't have yielded to him on the entrance to that private jet, and again, how many times? I'd lost count. Our kisses brought me back to the moment we did something unthinkable, when I kissed my boyfriend's best friend and knew that whether or not it was a bad decision, I didn't regret it.

I wondered now, as my feet were taking me in the opposite direction of where I should go, whether or not I'd regret this decision.

"You know, when people break up, they don't usually have to see each other twenty-four seven, living on top of each other," I said, when I was standing breast to chest with him.

Was that my heartbeat or his?

"Yeah. I don't know what I'm doing here. I should probably book another hotel." His eyes shimmered in the dim lighting.

"Yeah. You probably should." Okay, that's it, I directed myself. Turn around now and go back to your room where the three men you love, who love you back and will never put your safety at risk or do anything to hurt you, are waiting for you. Oh, stupid girl!

My hand lifted as if it was the object of a ventriloquist's attention, and rested gently onto his cheek.

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