Page 71 of Four Times Forever

Groaning, I jumped to my feet.

My pulse raced on the way to get my hiking shoes. It was how I found serenity before, but now the thought of leaving the house on my own had my heart beating in incomplete rhythms. This place we were at was more remote than the places we'd stayed before, so I didn't have my more familiar hiking spots. It was okay though; all I needed was a long walk, alcohol excluded. I could do this.

By the time I left the Airbnb, the landmarks had started to light up in the not-so-far distance, along with the street lights, turning the river and moats into liquid gold. The night was awake with tourists and residents. Through the restaurant windows, couples on dates sipped wine, and I zeroed in on their glasses. One sip of that stuff and I'd be one more step away from earning Lily's trust back. So, I pushed forward.

It was harder with every step.

Each time I thought I was okay, I spotted a bottle of wine or patrons stumbling out of bars, and my brain convinced me that I was missing out on something they had, something I needed.

I was more exhausted than ever, having walked a couple of miles less than I was used to. When I returned to the house, I collapsed onto the sofa. My snoring woke me up, and I opened my eyes to the outline of a person. Convinced it was one of the sleep demons that had been haunting me, I let out a yell.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Lily jumped back, holding a blanket. "I just thought you might need this." She tossed it and began to hurry away.

"Wait! Lily. Please." I called after her, wanting to kick myself. "You don't have to be afraid of me."

Fuck, it broke my heart.

She hesitated, and I held my breath as she turned on her heels to face me, hands folded across her breasts, clavicle bones popping with the straightening of her shoulders.

I wasn't sure why I stopped her, and I struggled to find something to say. "Uh...how are you?"

"Pretty good. Tired. You?" she asked, her nails digging into her arm.

With careful movements, I got up off the couch, praying she wouldn't run away from me when I got close. "May I?" I reached for her.

She gulped. Her eyes reddened. She nodded.

Covering her hand with mine, I pulled her fingers away and soothed the bruised skin with my thumb. She exhaled.

"Thank you for the blanket," I swallowed.

"I thought you could use it." She sniffed, eyes off mine. Her brows creased, and she raised her head. "You don't stink of alcohol tonight." Her lips parted on a soft gasp.

"No. I don't," I agreed.

Her lips turned up a tiny bit. "That's good."

"Yeah." I smiled at her. "I want to be good enough for you again."

"Ryan." She shook her head.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." I sucked back the words that were begging to be released, to ask her if there was a chance for us, to convince... pressure her to take me back.

Fuck, the struggle was almost as bad as fighting the need for a drink, and my brain tried to get me to find some release somehow. I scratched the back of my head, my fingers trembling as I kept my feet planted in front of her, instead of bolting through the door and getting myself a bottle. I startled as her hand reached up to take mine, securing my fingers with hers.

"I do understand how hard it is, fighting an addiction. If you want to know a secret, I'm still fighting it now," she whispered.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't want my addiction to trigger..." I started pulling my hand away, but she kept hold of it.

"No, I know how to cope with my urges now." She smiled at me. "It took years to develop methods that help me. So, I don't blame you for being scared, or not knowing what you're doing. That's why I–" She sniffled and lowered her voice. "That's why I called the therapist. I was just trying to help."

Now, I took both her hands in mine. "I know. I'm so sorry. I was a fool."

"Yes. And you were scared," she nodded.

"Don't make excuses for me," I countered.

"Oh, trust me. I'm not." She flashed me a look. "It's just that I get it. I've been a fool more times than I can count when I was going through my addiction. Granted, I'm not with that person anymore, because we were bad for each other. But I admire you for trying. And I want to be here for you more, because I get it. And because you need a support system. I can tell that you and the guys aren't that close anymore."

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