Page 24 of Four Times Forever

"Bro, why don't you go take a walk and calm down." Eric stepped in between me and him. The hairs on my skin rose.

"Don't fucking tell me what to do! I'm tired of people telling me what to do! Ryan, do this, don't do this, say this, don't say this. I just want to..." He yelled and looked around him, his hands balled into fists.

He found the empty sangria pitcher close by, grabbed it and threw it without looking. It almost hit Eric, whizzed past my head and crashed to the floor behind me. My heart was beating outside my body and my breath became lost as I let out a scream, unable to control myself.

At that, the madness in his eyes left and he focused an apologetic gaze on me. I didn't want to look at him. Didn't want to be around him.

"What the fuck?!" Ethan and Matt grabbed Ryan by the arms. Eric marched up to him.

"That could have hit her! You've gone too far." Eric raised his balled-up fist, but instead of punching Ryan, he unfolded it and wrapped his fingers around his neck. "Lash out like that again, it'll be the last thing you do."

I couldn't cry out for them to stop. My voice was lodged somewhere deep inside my throat as Ethan and Matt dragged him from the room. Eric was panting when he turned around to look at me. As he approached me, I shuddered. Flashbacks of my past slammed into me, memories of my mom and dad. Is that my fate? Even when I think I've found a good one, am I destined for someone who will abuse me like my father abused my mother? Am I wrong about Ryan? Is he one of the bad guys?

"Lily. It's okay." Eric's voice attempted to break through the static, but I wouldn't let it. If I'm wrong about Ryan, does that mean I'm wrong about the rest of the guys too?

Murderers! My mother's voice echoed in my head, like an urgent warning, begging me to see sense once and for all. And for the first time since my mother's outburst, I didn't fight the possibility that she could be right.

Unanswered questions that I'd had floating around since I came home dominated my thoughts. Where did Eric really get that bruise from? When exactly did Terry and the other guy die? Were they with me? My head hurt as I searched through my thoughts.

Matt joined Eric by my side. "Lils? Can you hear anything we're saying? Are you okay?" he asked.

I stared blankly at the two of them. Were they acting suspiciously between the night I came home and the day I found out that they were dead? On the day I found out, they comforted me. Nausea overcame me at the thought of them being able to kill someone, not panic and lie about it without cracking, for so damn long. Well, except for Ryan. If they're capable of something like that, Ryan could be the only one with an actual conscience.

Worried I'd been living in La La Land for too long, forgetting the 'me' who was always cautious around men because these men managed to convince me otherwise, I ran from the room.

Chapter 18

Ryan

After Tyler's visit, my attempt at sobriety ended. I left the room, intending to go for a walk to cool down, but instead, I headed straight for my private stash. I drank a quarter of the amount I usually drank. I just needed a little bit to get me through the party, and I thought I had it all under control. No one would be the wiser. But I had been on edge ever since, needing my next drink. The deafening blood pounding in my ears was not loud enough to block out the moment I heard Lily on the phone talking about me to someone. I wasn't thinking straight; I just lashed out. And I almost hurt her.

"What the fuck just happened?" I was shaking. "I d-d-didn't mean it. I need to..." As I rushed toward the door, Ethan blocked me. I tried to get around him, but Eric grabbed hold of the collar of my shirt and pulled me closer to him until our noses touched.

"I will fucking knock you the fuck out if you ever step close to Lily in this state," he snarled at me. From my peripheral vision, his balled-up fist waited for me to fuck up.

"I'm with you on that one." Ethan folded his arms. His biceps bulged. They were my best friends, and we'd never fought before, but they were also Lily's men, and I had crossed a line. I deserved to be put in my place. It didn't mean the animal inside me didn't rile up, ready to throw myself into defense mode.

Matt's eyes were just as vicious. He turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me on my own with them.

"I can't just leave it like this. She has to know I didn't mean it." I broke down, and Eric shoved me backward. I staggered over the carpet and fell to the floor.

Eric curled his top lip. His disgust needed no words.

"It doesn't matter what you meant. What matters is what you did. You scared the life out of her. You think we're going to allow you around her after that? You're fucking crazier than you look," Ethan attacked.

His words stung, and worthless didn't even begin to describe the way I felt.

Like the sorry ass that I was, I broke down sobbing in a ball on the floor. Eric hissed, "Man, you need to get your shit together. I know what you're going through, but it doesn't excuse what you just did. The fact remains that, instead of letting Tyler kill you, you chose to live and took another life. You made that choice, and now you just have to live with it. Like we all do."

Fire burned through my eyes as I looked at him. "Don't you tell me what I should and shouldn't take responsibility for."

"Truth hurts." He cocked his head, and my chest thundered.

"You know what, you're right. It was my choice, just like it was yours. So, in the spirit of taking responsibility, you wouldn't mind if I go to the police, would you? Because I can't live with this guilt, the lying. And if I've already lost Lily anyway, what else do I have to lose?" I challenged.

I thought a part of me was trying to push her away to force myself into doing the right thing. And I might have succeeded tonight. The other part of me was losing control, and I was afraid of what I might become if I kept letting the toxins inside me break me down until I didn't recognize myself.

"You wouldn't!" Eric stormed toward me.

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