Page 114 of Cross the Line

“I’m so sorry,” Theo repeats, as if he means to keep saying it. As if Alec needs to hear it again when Theo being here means more than those three words ever could.

“Theo.”

“I don’t know how you could ever forgive me, but I want to try to make this right.”

“Theo,” Alec tries again, exhausted by the effort of speaking after confessing his secrets to his brothers. All it’d taken was Charlie whispering how are you, Ally? and he’d spilled his guts. Much as he wishes he could blame his heavy meds for the breakdown, the truth was it was a long time coming, and though it’d been difficult, physically and emotionally, to get the words out he’d managed. He’d stared at the ceiling, whispering about hating school and not being sure if he even wanted to play soccer anymore, and being in love with Theo. He knew his brothers wanted to interrupt with questions, yet they’d remained silent except for their tears.

Now all Alec’s got left is the deep desire to pretend that his future isn’t a giant Jenga tower, one wrong move from crumbling beyond repair. He doesn’t have the energy for this right now, but, unfortunately for him, Theo is not paying attention.

“I don’t even know how to prove to you that I mean it,” Theo barrels on. “I think, no, I know, that I need therapy. And you’ll have to be patient with me sometimes because I’m probably gonna screw up at some point. When that happens I might piss you off, so you’ll have to tell me. I don’t want you to be afraid of me pushing you away again and?—”

“Shut up,” Alec says with as much energy as he can muster, before grabbing the call button from beside his hip and tossing it at Theo to get his attention.

Alec is so goddamn exhausted he wants to cry, but crying makes his ribs hurt and his face ache and he’s not sure there are any tears left, anyway. Everything hurts. Everything.

“Oh.” Theo blinks. “Should I leave or?”

“Stay,” Alec manages, glad at least his stupid arm isn’t broken so he can hold it out, his fingers upturned in a wordless plea. Theo seems to understand, slipping his much larger hand over Alec’s and cradling it safely. The last of Alec’s fight goes out of him, exhaustion and pain taking over as he squeezes Theo’s hand as tightly as he can, his grip only loosening when he finally passes out.

“You awake?”

“Not by choice,” Alec mutters, head pounding, ribs throbbing, and his skin sensitive to every movement he makes. As a result he lies very still, only opening his eyes once he’s sure he’s not going to vomit.

Last night was hell. The nurses had to ply him with Zofran for nausea and meds for the excruciating pain, which meant when his brothers had shown up at exactly eight in the morning for visiting hours, he’d been worn down and high as a kite. He can’t actually remember what happened, but he’s pretty sure the nurses warned everyone not to touch him too much, which is probably a good thing given his pain level, but also makes Alec want to scream.

All Alec wants is for Theo to throw his arms around him and hold him tightly, to hold on and never let go. He doesn’t want Theo looking at him like he’s made of glass, like he might break if Theo so much as breathes wrong. Exhaustion is etched in Theo’s face, worry evident as his eyes roam over Alec as he tracks his every injury. When they land on Alec’s leg, his entire face twists up in a way that makes Alec want to throw up.

“You know, if you keep looking at me like that, I’m gonna think you don’t wanna be here.”

“It’s not that,” Theo assures him, leaning over the bed until he’s so close to Alec that if he closed the distance, he’d be lying on top of him. Alec’s nervous system has been stripped raw and of all the things he wishes he could have right now, being crushed under Theo is at the top of the list. “I feel guilty. This is all my fault.”

“Don’t,” Alec interrupts.

“Why, you going to tell me to shut up again?” The hint of a smile plays at Theo’s mouth and though it’s small, it’s enough to ease the knot of tension in Alec’s stomach. “Or maybe you’ll throw something at me again. Should I go find you something?”

Alec laughs, immediately regretting it when his ribs scream in protest. It takes a solid minute for him to regain his ability to speak through the pain. “Sorry, about last night. I was just?—”

“Exhausted,” Theo finishes.

“Yeah,” Alec whispers.

“Pretty sure being run over by a car can do that. It’s okay if you weren’t ready to talk, or if you’re still not today. Like I told Jason, I’m not going anywhere. Unless you ask me to. Otherwise, I’ll be here.”

“M’never gonna tell you to leave,” Alec murmurs.

“That makes two of us,” Theo says, letting his fingers brush some of the hair gently off Alec’s forehead. It’s the lightest of touches, but it soothes the raw, aching part of his sensory system desperate for contact.

“Where are my brothers?”

“They went to get food when you passed out. They let me come in while they were gone. I can call them if you’d rather they were here.”

“No,” Alec says, sliding his right hand towards the edge of the bed. “You. I want you.”

Theo’s jaw trembles as he reaches for Alec’s hand, linking their fingers and bringing it to his mouth. He kisses the back of Alec’s hand before pulling their joined fingers against his cheek. “I can’t lose you, Alexander.”

“M’not going anywhere. Literally. Can’t even get up to piss.”

The joke falls flat, wetness falling against the back of Alec’s hand.

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