Page 106 of Cross the Line

Alec is quiet, the metallic tang of blood in his mouth the only thing stopping him from running.

“You…you love someone else. I heard you.”

“You heard us talking about you,” Alec confesses, unsure why his voice sounds so calm when inside he’s falling apart. “Charlie is the only one who knew I was still in love with you. He was trying to get me to move on.”

“Still? As in, since you were fifteen?” At Alec’s silence Theo curses, tugging on his hair. “Alec?”

“Don’t look at me like I’m pathetic.” Alec’s chest heaves as he grabs his pants off the floor and tugs them on, unable to handle having this conversation naked. He’s not even sure where his underwear went, but at least his dick isn’t hanging out. “Yes, I’ve loved you since I was fifteen. Earlier, probably, if you really want to know. That was just when I told you.”

“Fuck, Alec.”

“Stop acting like someone loving you is the worst thing in the goddamn world,” Alec snarls, scrambling to find his hoodie on the floor. He yanks it over his head, the need to hide damn near overwhelming. “I’m not asking you for anything, okay? I know you don’t feel the same and I don’t expect you to, so you don’t need to be freaking out about this.”

“You should have told me.”

Why, so you could stop being friends with me again? Alec thinks bitterly, shoving his hands into his pockets and fighting back the rising nausea. The worst part is that he can’t even hate Theo. He knew this would happen, knew Theo would freak out. He doesn’t want Alec like that, never has and never will. What did Alec think, a few weeks of rekindling their friendship and a fuck, and magically Theo might suddenly consider dating Alec? He was such a fool.

“Alec.”

“It’s fine,” Alec grits out. Hands hidden inside the front of his hoodie pocket, he twists his fingers. He will not cry in front of Theo. He won’t.

“It’s not fine.” Theo’s expression is tight, the hunch of his shoulders making it clear that Alec was delusional thinking that telling Theo the truth might be alright. It was just sex. That’s what Theo said. He likes Alec’s body and that’s all. Alec was a goddamn idiot to think he could survive the way that feels. “I took advantage of you.”

“Bull-fucking-shit,” Alec snaps. “I knew what I was getting into. I’m grown and I can make my own choices.”

“I shouldn’t have fucked you, Alec.”

“Shouldn’t or wish you hadn’t?” The second the question comes out, Alec wishes he could take it back. He doesn’t want to know the real answer.

“Alec.”

That’s as much of an answer as Alec’s going to get and a definitive one at that. Theo wouldn’t have fucked him if he’d known Alec still loved him. He probably wouldn’t have let Alec get close enough to become friends, either.

“You’re terrible at keeping promises, you know,” Alec whispers.

Theo doesn’t say anything to that, instead dropping his head into his hands as if he can’t even bear to look at Alec any longer. Everything about his body language is defeated and Alec has the most ridiculous urge to comfort Theo, but he’s pretty sure that’s not what Theo would want right now. Not that Alec knows what Theo wants. Hell, maybe he doesn’t know him as well as he thought since he dropped that bomb on him for a second time.

A soft meow catches Alec’s attention. He looks down to find Rio butting against his leg, clearly agitated and wanting attention, but Alec can’t hold her because Alec can’t stay here. He can’t stand another moment in this room, the scent of sex still heavy in the air as he stares at Theo naked in the bed, where Theo just took his virginity. He can’t stand the sight of Theo upset because of Alec, because once again Alec’s feelings are too much for someone. He’s so tired of being too much for people.

“I should go,” Alec says so quietly he’s not sure if Theo doesn’t hear him or ignores him.

Either way, Theo doesn’t look up when Alec leaves the room. He doesn’t come out while Alec grabs his phone off the couch and slips his shoes back on. The only one to follow him is Rio, who tries to sneak out the door with Alec.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, wishing he could promise to come visit her, but he’s unsure if Theo will even want to see him again. He can only hope it won’t be another six years.

A very stupid, pathetic part of Alec entertains the possibility that Theo might chase after him. He even imagines that he might tell Alec that even if he doesn’t feel the same, they can still be friends.

He doesn’t.

Standing at the street corner, Alec accepts that Theo is not going to come after him. He takes off running, the street lamps lighting his way. He’s never been out for a run in the middle of the night like this, and it’s strange. There aren’t any cars in sight and the unnatural quiet is eerie. The only sound is the heavy thud of Alec’s sneakers as he sprints until his chest aches and his eyes burn.

He stops when the tears blur his vision, making it too hard to keep running. He stops at the intersection, collapsing against the stop sign and pressing his cheek against the cool metal. Struggling to breathe, he squeezes his eyes shut and cries harder than he has since he was fifteen. The ache of losing Theo is so much sharper now. He’d been so sure he knew what he was getting himself into, so confident that he could handle the inevitable pain, but he can’t. He has no idea how he’s supposed to play in the game tomorrow, how he’s supposed to go to classes all week and pretend to be okay when he is anything but. It is insurmountable that life is supposed to go on when Alec feels like he’s dying inside.

Alec struggles to catch his breath as he cries, lungs burning. It’s a long time before he stops weeping, and longer still before he musters the energy to wipe away the tears.

He knows he’s got to be pretty close to campus, but he was in too much of a daze to pay attention and ended up in a residential neighborhood he doesn’t recognize. On a good day he could make it back to his apartment if he kept going, but tonight that’s more than Alec feels like he can handle. He’s so very tired, his body spent from crying. All he wants to do is crawl in his bed and stay there for a week.

Turning so his back is against the metal pole, he digs his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, swiping through his contacts. He could call Antonio. He’d come if Alec asked. Riley’s got a car and would come pick him up too, but neither of them are who Alec needs right now.

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